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I have been separated from my A for more than a decade, but we have stayed technically married so he can be on my health insurance. He has various health conditions that made it impossible to get insurance here in the US (think stuff like diabetes which would count as a pre-existing condition). The deal was that he could stay on my insurance, which costs me about $100 a month to have him on, and he would pay me $200 per month. He has never paid any child support, so this was also leverage for me to get child support.
But he's been sliding downhill in his addiction and stopped paying the $200 a month last year. He's also been more chaotic and unreliable. I told the story of how he got into my car and put a load of junk in there - not out of any animosity, just because he's off his gourd. So it's less pleasant to interact with him these days.
So I was thinking that with the chaos and the lack of payment, the insurance deal is over. And now with Obamacare, he can't be excluded because of a pre-existing condition, and with his poverty he can get a subsidy. And then I can finally get a divorce! Yay! And also maybe the courts can enforce child support where I can't.
So I told him all this, and he said he needed to see whether several health condiitions had degenerated. He has several things that can be life-threatening if he doesn't get them checked, and he's let it slide. But then he never made the appointment. And I'm guessing it's pretty certain that he won't actually enroll for any new insurance. Because his life is chaos and it would be a part of a longstanding pattern.
Although I don't think this bodes well, I would let nature take its course - if it weren't for our son. I don't want my A to die and leave my son bereaved.
So now I'm of two minds about whether to end the insurance thing. Without insurance, if any of his health problems get to crisis point, he'll be in very bad trouble. Any thoughts to help me think about this?
Mattie, I didn't want to leave you hanging but I don't think I have any advice nor do I think I can come up with anything that you most likely haven't already thought of. Can you help him explore the private insurance costs including Obamacare and see what happens? He can get all his tests done and maybe pick the brain of his doctor's office and see if they can point him to a good plan or something?
At some point, it's only fair that you get on with your life. I know that he may be able to purchase COBRA that would cover him for 36 months after the divorce from your provider. Have you checked into that? I know it's pricey but it would keep his coverage pretty much the same and he wouldn't have to worry about pre-existing conditions.
I hope others weigh in with their thoughts here, because I don't think I've been much help. Thinking of you and sending up positive thoughts your way!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
Thanks, Andromeda. I think the policy under COBRA would cost him around $1000 a month, but even if he could afford that, or the subsidized Obamacare insurance, the problem is that he may be too far gone to get off his duff and arrange it. I know the theory of "Let go and let God," but when my son might face losing a father, I'm more inclined to intervene. But I'd sure be grateful not to be tied to him any more.
I would struggle with this too. I mean, keeping him on it, is that trying to prevent a crisis? Maybe weighing it up, pros and cons would help. Check your motives and use how important is it? Is it important for you to get a divorce? Would it improve your life and own well being? If so do it. Wohld the mo ey help you and your son? If so do it. I think, as long as your motives are about you and your son and not as punishment for your ex then its ok.
Health insurance that he doesnt really use wont stop the progression of his disease and this may be a crutch in many ways for him and for you. Keeping these ties and connections, not letting go could have a negative impact on all of you, well, in my experience it was part of the dysfunction, it kept it alive and stopped me movi g on fully to embrace my life as a single woman. It was costly for me.
The reasons I kept connections with him was fear and guilt based. I was scared he would get worse and my kids would loose out yet again. I was guilty about leaving him, I had believed for so long that he needed me and felt sorry for him etc. Living, making decisions based on unhealthy motives has a huge impact on everyone. It stunts growth on all levels. When I got honest about my motives, I was able to end the relationship cleanly, over, done and im amazedat how far we have all came. Every one of us have got better. You cant keep taking care of him, it stoos him doing it. Its ok to let go, he will sink or swim quicker. You however, will reach new heights, so will your son.
I find it hard to comment because it's so far outside my realm of experience, but my first thought was of you trying to prevent a crisis too, and also that these A's seem to be a lot more capable of self-care when no-one else steps up to do it, even if they pretend to be completely helpless and at death's door. Plus he isn't living up to his end of the deal anymore so it doesn't sound like there is any benefit at all for you other than possibly preventing him dying which is probably out of your power really? But I know it isn't that simple and you know him a lot better than I do too.
Hugs anyway, it sounds tricky, I wish I had more insight. I hope it becomes clearer for you.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
If it were me I would let him go and release me from being hostage. It does not sound like he is caring for his medical needs with the health insurance you are keeping for him. Perhaps you could give him the option of helping him obtain insurance with the new plan available? My children lost their father when they were young, yes, it is hard. I had often wondered if I could have done something differently to save them from the pain of the loss. I know now I could not have...he lived recklessly and his death was a result of his recklessness. There are no easy choices here. One keeps you enslaved and the other freedom...with the freedom comes many unknowns, which can stir up the hornets nest.
On the surface this looks like a complicated and difficult decision but thinking it through further, it looks more simple. First I would ask myself what the facts are? Here's a fact.. he's an addict. The 3Cs might help with sorting that out. Another fact is that with his financial and health situation, he can get medical insurance without being on yours. He could be covered one hundred percent. He already owes you money. Your insurance may not cover everything and if he has no money are you the one who is going to pay for what's not covered? We're all going to die but only hp knows when and from what. Bereavement is not something we can protect anyone from experiencing (you're a loving mom, ((Mattie))) You want a divorce but your life is on hold because your A is on your insurance. You're spending money on him that could be spent on you and your son. Divorces cost money. Serenity is priceless.
Only you can get at the root of your involvement by doing an honest inventory of it. There may be an emotional tug of war going on because he's your son's father. I would take a closer look at my own personal boundaries and where my involvement has led and how I'm feeling as a result of it. Mattie... your well-being counts. Happy, joyous and free?
With unconditional love and support of you, TT
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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.
When my son got so bad and was rushed to the hospital...the hospital got him on Medicaid/Ahcccs ( AZ) also foodstamps. He's had it ever since until now that he's is prison and they dropped him. He will reapply when he gets out until he can get back up on his feet with a job and insurance.
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
This is such a tough decision- and I know this all too well. When I separated from my AH, I was required by the courts to keep him covered on my group health insurance coverage. I ended up changing us to an HMO because I couldn't afford the PPO rates once I moved out on my own. I really struggled with whether or not I would continue to cover him once our divorce was settled. My therapist advised me that this was more than just enabling, this was also a moral decision. I knew he had untreated diabetes and I knew that he had liver failure, yet he was doing nothing to take care of himself. I also know that alcoholics seem to find a way to find food, shelter and healthcare, whether we get involved in their issues or not. So again, this is a tough decision for you to have to make for the father of your child.
As you probably already now know, right in the middle of our divorce proceedings, my AH suddenly died from all of his health issues. I was relieved to know that he had coverage through my group health coverage and that he received the best care possible. And there were no medical bills since he was covered by our HMO. My daughters tell me now that they appreciated me taking care of their dad's healthcare, even though we were no longer together.
Sorry that I don't have more answers for you. Take what you like and leave the rest.
Thank you all for helping me think about this. I think I will not re-enroll him on my insurance, but I will bully him (I say "bully" because it will take some strong-arming!) to get his own insurance. Whether he has his own insurance should be none of my business, but I would be so anxious on my son's behalf. If he dies of one of his conditions, I don't want to be consumed with remorse and "what if"s. I have a little bit of leverage so I will oversee him as he signs up, and then whether he uses the insurance or not is up to him.
Mattie, alcoholism and his chaotic lifestyle and general poor self care will cause him to die early, not whether or not you keep him insured. Even if he had a serious problem medically as it stands while he is under your insurance, he will still drink through it and not adhere to doctor's orders. Also, his sister is enabling him to live rent free right? She can enable this too if she wants to be in that role so bad. I think you are within your bounds to take him off the insurance. The rest falls under step 1. If he dies young it will be by chance or his addiction. You are powerless over him making healthy choices.
Big hugs and a difficult situation if my XAH was on my insurance I would be asking him to be off of it .. here's the deal you don't want to go into divorce proceedings with him on your insurance because you will be required to carry him until the divorce is done .. in my case that was 3 years and the courts did not require me to pay anything towards that deal.
If he's got his own insurance it will be less complicated for you in the long run.
That's just my opinion based upon what I have been through .. I would just encourage you to think about what is best for you. I know I spent a lot of time and energy being concerned over what was right for my XAH, when he honestly never gave two thoughts as he couldn't about what was best for the kids and I.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Mattie He will always receive Emergency Medical care in an emergency with or without insurance .
As Cathy points out, if he is admitted the social workers will work to get him on medicaire and other assistance
I would drop the insurance.
The thing is that is has diabetes and a pre-cancerous condition, and neither of those are ameliorated by emergency room visits.
I know that ultimately I can't save him from himself. And heaven knows that in the past decade I haven't bent over backwards to be accommodating - did too much of that before. But I am going to force his hand to get him enrolled in new insurance. That's not for his sake. That's for our son's sake. Then I can wash my hands of it without worrying that I've kicked a leg out from under him. I basically think our whole insurance system ought to be a heck of a lot less complicated, and this is one reason why. So I'll do this one thing to make that one thing more straightforward. Then it's freedom for me!
When I was married, then separated, then divorced, it took me next to forever to understand that my life was parallel but separate from my AH. I kept ties until I became aware of how much it was affecting me and my serenity and my own health.
I sacrificed thinking it was the right thing to do, also saying that I didn't want my daughter having a Dad << that was in jail, that commit suicide, that died from overdose, that died, ..>>. The more I tried bailing him out, the worse his disease became and the worse things were for me, as well. HP kept holding my hand and finally, one day, I let him lead me away to safety. What a horrible, dreadful disease, but I am grateful.
In hindsight, my efforts would not prevent the destruction of the disease that imperviously wills its own course. I almost lost the shirt off of my back in the name of trying to force and fix him into someone and something that he is not.
My daughter attributes having a more steady life since I've stepped away from my former actions. She sees her Dad with clarity- a very sick man whom she loves very much, but unable to be close because her safety comes first.
Now he must take his own full on consequences and I have serenity with this. Last I heard, he is still blaming every one else for his own circumstance. ... but what he says holds little weight, as it is senseless jabber in incomplete sentences- Yet, he somehow still manages to have his needs met. He's a master at finding people to do things for him. Initially, I was amazed when I stepped back that he didn't really need me - he just needed somebody and there are apparently a lot of somebodies around. I have come to realize that when I'm able to focus on myself, I already have more than I can handle and I'm not in a position to take anyone else on- and my responsibility is to myself.
