The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Last night AH came home under the influence. I asked him where he went after work and he said no where. I said I smell alcohol on you and I know by your behavior after all these years that you were drinking. He responded with No, No, No. Finally he told me where he went and what he drank. I told him I was calling his sponsor. I know him and his wife well. He told me to go ahead, he didn't care. I told the sponsor what was going on and he said he was shocked. I explained that I know the meetings are confidential but that this has been going on frequently. My AH is not being honest in the meetings just like he isn't being honest with me. The sponsor called him and I heard my husband talking but what really got me is when he said, "I don't know what she's talking about - it was just this one time in months." That is not true. Lying makes me feel crazy! I had a meltdown. I usually stay calm, remember my steps and also that this is a disease, however, I am made of emotions and this has been going on for years. I was screaming and swearing. (This is not my usual behavior at all) I left the house and spent some time with friends which had been planned prior to this incident so I was able to just visit and laugh and detach. I love my husband but when he drinks I can't stand him. He isn't the same person. I didn't care to see him sleeping on the chair for hours - I got out and removed myself from the situation.
There were times I entertained calling my husbands sponsor because in my almighty opinion, he was not working his program. I stopped myself, though, when I was reminded by my inner knowing that it was none of my business and he was not a naughty child. Good on you for leaving and having some fun!
I can understand the desire to call the sponsor but in reality what is the point.
He lied to the sponsor that is what sick a's do who are declining into their disease.
The call would only matter if it was him who made it.
My partner started to slip about 4 months ago after two years sober but not doing the steps( emotional sobriety work).
He broke a boundary 3 months ago and I asked him to leave. He is not serious yet about getting better. I am out of the way and letting the avalanche fall from his drinking.
I am focusing on my spiritual journey developing my relationship with Hp and myself this is what I do have control over.
Am I emotionally sober or stir crazy due to the progression of his illness this is what I am focusing on.
I am also having to do a lot of work on my resentments and self pity.
HP can not help my partner learn what he needs to learn till I get out of the way.
More importantly its better to stay in your own lane when it comes to the alcoholic. I can identify with feeling nutsy because you think the
alcoholic is lying and fooling everyone. But in the long run he is the one that will suffer. We need to get out of the way of the alcoholic and let
him fall as far as he wants to go,
Our responsibility to ourselves is to know our options when married or in a relationship with an alcoholic. Alanon is there to help us either stay or
go and bring us solutions to a long term disease that will effect us the spouse or family for the rest of our lives. This disease is serious business and
fatal. We have to realize drunk or sober it is their life to do what they want and respect it. Same as we have the choices to make boundaries for ourselves and the
right to a serene life.
I hope you have a Alanon program in place and keep coming back.
My best to you, Hugs,
Bettina
Wife of an alcoholic...Means you are certainly qualified to be here. Aloha and welcome and thanks for the memory which finally became so clear as I remembered how it use to be before Al-Anon. The disease owned me and could get me to react in a microsecond even when I didn't intend to. Arggggggh!! All my failures at having a clean and sober wife failed because I didn't know a thing about the disease and didn't know that I didn't know. My wife had early program experience in AA and had a sponsor which is a gratitude for me because it was her sponsor who was somewhat responsible, along with HP, for getting me into recovery. My alcoholic's sponsor knew a lot...a whole lot which I came to understand I was free to use also and did. Yay!!
Question? Did you also have a sponsor to call who is yours? That is where the changes happen one of them being his drinking is his choice and none of your business (sounds like Greek huh?) When he chooses to drink or not, lie or not or anything else or not...what are you going to do? Al-Anon/MIP is about building and enabling our own choices out side of "theirs". Keep coming back and listen for the suggestions so you can try what has helped others. (((((hugs)))))
I love it that I get to choose now!!
