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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Better again
Post Info TOPIC: Better again
missmeliss


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Better again
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Seems like I have on average one day a week where everything is suddenly terrible and too sad for words, it comes out of nowhere and I cry and moan and then its done and i'm better. I need to find some way to release this stuff that is less harmful to me, I'm open to suggestions. Its happening too often to be a one off, I obviously store it all up until it overwhelms me, not a good strategy. I don't even see it coming, one minute I'm fine and then I'm a mess, ugh!

But I know part of what makes it much worse is I'm so  terrified of having a bad depression again that when I feel bad I panic and think "OMG its back, this is the end of everything". It doesn't last, I feel better the next day, and that doesn't happen with depression, I need to stop being so afraid of it, every bad feeling isn't going to send me back into months or years of black despair!! I'm different now, i have tools to help with that stuff, I need to stop thinking there's this big monster just sitting outside my window waiting to eat me.

I'm good today, I wrote an email to my agent, explaining my situation and asking her if she can please give her opinion of why I cannot rent a place and how I go about fixing it.

Well she replied today and told me it is simply the current rent arrears and the fact that she has to disclose that they've sent letters about the lawn not mowed, she said she is quite certain that once the rent is paid up and the security deposit is refunded it will be a completely different story as it will show that I pay the rent and left the house in good order. She also said she's quite explicit when she gives me a reference that I have been cooperative and responsible and that it has been my co-tenant that has been irresponsible. She's always been very nice to me so I felt good after reading that, it takes away the fear that something dreadful is preventing me from renting and might do so forever.

I also contacted a cleaning service, i am going to do as much as I can but will have to have the carpets cleaned and I thought I'd get a quote just so I have the option, if I cant get everything done I will know I can hire someone to help finish it. So now I know the cost of having the entire house "exit cleaned" I feel motivated to get the work done as every job i accomplish chops $$ off that price-tag, lets see if I can get it down to zero! Funny how easy it is to motivate oneself with a challenge.

A is making things nice and easy for me, I made some soup the other day and decided I didnt want it after all so i gave it to him, well today i went looking for a bowl as all of them are in his room, he handed me the one my soup had been in and informed me he WONT be washing it since i made the soup and do I think he's going to wash a bowl that i dirtied just because i tricked him by giving him some soup...I just nodded, OK then and went and used a plastic bowl...and now every time i see him he demands "so are you going to wash that bowl now? When are you going to wash that bowl?"...he has all of the dishes in the house dirty in his room, anyway i dont think i even need to explain why this is deranged bullying weird and unnattractive behavior. It makes me feel so much more positive about moving on, getting away from this nonsense.

I wonder if i will miss having an adversary, that's an interesting thought. 

Anyway sorry for being so up and down here. To me it is fantastic because I used to be just plain down all the time and now I am mostly up and the downs don't last long but it must seem like a crazy rollercoaster and like I am completely insane from the outside, ugh, sorry!

.

 

 



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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
aquamom23


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I look forward to your posts. Good on you for emailing the agent,that takes courage. It takes time to "do normal" or more correctly, "abnormal". Years of living with an a, you actually wait for the s@%# to hit the fan. When it doesn't, you either take it one day at a time or you sabotage it to bring it back to "old normal" which is what we know how to deal with. Crazymaking hey?! Your a is lucky to have you offer him soup, id be tipping it over his head.isnt he supposed to be mooching with his brother? Xx

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missmeliss


~*Service Worker*~

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sigh he came back to "help". He hasn't done anything to "help", just made a mess and eaten my food. He thought he would be sharing my bed but I gave him the inflatable mattress that I found in the garage so i think he's pretty peeved about that. Oh well, whatever, almost there...I'm grateful to him for being here and being a jerk, it makes it all easy for me.

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
aquamom23


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Be careful miss m. As well as being an a, he sounds unstable. Have a safety exit plan. Whatever you gotta do to get out of there safely and soundly. Control is a very hard thing for men like him to relinquish.

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missmeliss


~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks, I am being careful. I know this is a volatile time. Lucky for me it is all finally happening because he didn't pay his rent etc, so its not like I am causing things to end or at least not outwardly. That would be a lot more dangerous. Plus he thinks its all going to be fine, he's going to get a job and a new place with me, hmm ok, perhaps he can get a job catching flying pigs with a giant butterfly net.
OK, another task done and ready to be ticked off and I just negotiated to pay daughter to clean the windows thoroughly, she's keen. Yay!



-- Edited by missmeliss on Tuesday 21st of October 2014 02:38:20 AM

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
missmeliss


~*Service Worker*~

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OH and sister has moved out. This is a VERY good turn of events because I LOVE my sister but 50% of the conflict in that house is my sister screaming at someone else. I can go visit her in her new home. On my way to see my grandma, whom i can visit whenever I want now. AND my parents are going away for 10 days in a week so, you know. Some stuff is working out nicely! If i can be there without the screaming and conflict I will be much happier. I think I need to find my old ipod for when there is screaming too. Good to be prepared.

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
Katy


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Dear Mel,

You have a wonderful way of documenting your  trials and tribulations, your honesty and your gift of being able to be so sincere, many times highlights things I am struggling with in my own life, sometimes I just don't know, why I am feeling this way or that way and then by reading your heart pouring I can relate, I am so happy that you can clearly distinguish between just the daily rigours of life and depression, you are truly an amazing example of courage to change, bless you Mel, and wishing you much happiness in your life x

love

Katy

  x



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Katy
Debilyn


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hey since he has hoarded all that stuff, it was like your not having it anymore. I would bag it all up and toss it! IF he ever leaves I would get it all gone so he has NO reason to be there. that is just me. I hope you don't clean it before he is gone. I have a feeling he may sabotage that and make a mess again..ugh

Glad you feel lighter. I KNOW that feeling of being afraid the depression is back. I remind myself, everything is ok, take special care of me then I wake up better as you described.

You are doing well! hugs, debilyn



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"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

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Spur


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We don't know each other but I have been following your posts. I'm concerned that you have let Abf back into your house. Im concerned that you won't get the work done you need to because he is there. You said he isn't helping you, he's only eating your food. You've given him a roof over his head, a bed to sleep on and you're feeding him. Please look at the big picture. I apologize if I'm offending you but you just got him out of your life and now you've invited him back in.   Please be careful.



-- Edited by Spur on Tuesday 21st of October 2014 06:05:28 PM

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neshema2


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Melly you are taking the bull by the horns and being the master of your ship.....Good on you, contacting the agent, and finding out WHAT you can do to ebate the "no renting to you" issues.....

i relate to the emotions..up and down....i was beginning to think i was bipolar or something but its just i ahve to learn that everything changes and not to get too high or too low as i do when in coda mode......lately its been up and down for me....when its bad it sucks..when its good its great......my pendulum isn't as bad, but i do have my moments.....u r good...nothing weird about what you are feeling....look at all u r being hit up with.....i dunno where you get the #1 strength and #2 the bounce back attitude.....i am older...its getting harder for me to bounce back....life has tired me out, but i gotta serve out this life and i am doing the best i can to make it good...made many good changes for which i am proud....had a lot of not so good crap happen as well......i think for me the key is not get so  up or down b/c for sure its gonna change so just hang in the middle like a peaceful pendulum.......

IN SUPPORT, I hope U know that smilesmile



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