Want to disown stepsister and her son without disowning my mother - Al-Anon Family Group

Lake · Newbie

Want to disown stepsister and her son without disowning my mother

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

There is no right answer here. None of us know your mom well enough to know what to tell you. I could see that, given her age and the time left you might have to spend with her, you might want to sort of "dance around" the issue and just say you have other plans and stuff. But, if your mom can handle feedback and you can say it in a way that is sensitive....maybe. That would mean not condemning her and stepfather for their choices but simply stating you feel step-sister is too volatile and unhealthy for you to be around and for the rest of your own family to be around. If you do discuss the step-sister's son, I'd be careful around that as well. 1. That child is innocent and didn't ask for screwed up parents. 2. You mom and stepdad actually are helping him and giving him greater stability, even if they are enabling. 3. It is true that him having contract with your boys who are well mannered and raised with structure is probably a good thing.... So I'm not sure how you would get across the point that you and your family can't be saviors to this little boy. It would involve a lot of "I feel bad for the kid and I know this is not his fault...I know you guys are trying to do a good thing for him (leaving the enabling of step-sister out of it).

So...I do fully empathize with your situation. I can see how it would get real sticky, especially setting boundaries around the 8 year old son who didn't really do anything wrong (yet).

deacon · Senior Member

Welcome Lake. This is the proverbial rock and hard place is it not?

As citizens of the world, I know we should all adopt the 'it takes a village to raise a child' theory. As moms though, we have to set boundaries for our kids and do what we think is best for them first. Being acquainted with three couples who take in foster children and work to turn them around, and seeing the problems this often causes with their own children, I have often wondered if they realize how their kids are being impacted. Foster children often take a huge amount of mental and even physical effort leaving little for biological kids.

Sounds to me as if neither you nor your husband want this in your family despite what your mom wants. She is taking care of her grandson and you are taking care of your children. And it is not your children's job to rehabilitate this boy or to set a good example for him. You did not say but I am kind of reading into the statement, "The boy will hit puberty in a few years and it could get much worse with him before it gets better" that there have already been problems with him. And sadly you are probably correct. A few visits a year with stable children is not going to change this little guy's behavior.

There is no easy way to tell your mother how you feel. If she has raised this child, he IS her child in her eyes. Avoidance will work for a while perhaps. You live in another state, your boys are at the age to get involved in sports and clubs that prevent them coming to visit etc. Very shortly, your sons are at the age when they simply will not want to go to grandma's because they will be doing their own thing. I doubt if an eight year old is going to be a bad influence on older boys but that is your choice, not your mother and stepfather's, to decide.

Go and spend time with your mother on your own. But, in the end, you have to do what is best for you and your family

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

hi!

I have had experience with this type thing. My Mother took in my cousin for a year he was 13, from Ca. very street wise.

Without going into detail, it was devistating to my brother and I. It shaped our lives in ways that were not good. Especially my brother who had to be ten.

My best friends son lived with a gal who had a son, she was a druggie. He left her but she gave up her son to him, not legally. my friend and her son and husband raised him for years. Gal had more kids, wanted the child back to get more welfare.....my friends family as devistated. He went to tweaker mom. He takes care of the kids too, I mean everything. He goes out and steals food and diapers for them.

My friend has paid to have him flown here to visit. She wanted him to come back, mom won't release. Things got bad. real bad. Now he is 15 years old doing drugs, tweaks and lost. this kid is a genius. He won awards and was always number one in entire school.

Its horrible. If they sent him a cell she just sold it. send him money, she takes it.

I adopted a girl who's dad stole her and her siblings. he ended up in jail. I got her. It tore me and my kids up, thank goodness she found her mom.

my friend i call my daughter took in her niece last year. same thing crappy mom and home situation. now my friend is divorced. the kid appreciated nothing. she is also in a situation she is raising her siblings, kids have NOTHING.

cps is joke. they want to keep kids home. they don't care it is not safe. they just want their paycheck.

they give kids back that the parents had abused the kid, only to have that child be killed by the parents.

Now my kids are very ok thank goodness. It was nothing horrible.

but I would not bring a child from this dysfunction backround into my home. Not even now becuz of my animals!

NO way are your kids being great kids needing to be responsible to change this other kid!! Plus as you said husband is surely not into it.

I sound cruel probably. But I even taught kids like this and it is NOT easy.

For me, I would invite mom and step dad to come visit me. them only. if they refuse unless they bring the boy, then in my mind my kids come first, so I have to learn to accept that. I protected my kids at any cost.

Its like this too my dear, ONE dysfunctional kid could and did disrupt a whole classroom. Where do our responsibilities lie?

so there is my experience.

With a not there mom and an invisible dad, this poor child has some major issues now.

keep coming!!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Veering off topic some, but CPS and DCF are forced into a position of having to have overwhelming data supporting repeated abuse and neglect before they can permanently remove children. Yes, they do want parents to step up and take care of their own children because, even when kids are put in foster care, they still love and want to connect to their biological parents. CPS and DCF workers are not only interested in a paycheck. If that was the case, they would be busting ass and going into dangerous homes, getting cussed out and threatened regularly for a really crappy paycheck. These are societal problems...and it's sad, but I do understand having worked in foster care before that it's not so easy to strip a parent of their rights. It sucks, kids don't have as many rights. BUT if we lived in a governmental state where organizations could easily step in and say what was right for your kids and/or take them with impunity, that would be worse than what we have.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Pinkchip I invite you to please be positive to other mip people, including me. It is one thing to say in my experience than to be argumentative.

In my experience with state workers, my mothers best friend was in the thick of it and tired of how so many did not do their jobs. Also my bil worked for the state and it was the same in his area.

I worked with cps all the time being a tutor and confidential employee for special ed. I was horrified by their lack of care and follow through.

I hated to say beware of this poor child. If anything he would do best in a situation where he is the only child or a theraputic foster home.

My experience tells me I would not put her two kids in jeopardy being involved in this.

I had one of the hardest kids here. 27 foster homes in 2 years. Horrible situation, but no matter what she always ran and went back home. For some the familiar, no matter what it is, is where they want to be, fight to be.

Please, debilyn

Spur · Senior Member

Lake, my suggestion would be to go with your gut instincts. If you and your husband do not want this boy around your kids then that is your choice to make. Be careful of allowing a need to please your mother to make a decision you are not comfortable with.

My father was an A and he got worse as the years went by. I didn't take my kids to visit my father because he was a mess and I didn't want to be around that and I certainly didn't want my kids around him. Its not your job to raise this boy. Sad as his situation is, you have to have the best interest of your family in mind.

I have a niece who's a heroin addict since her teens. She lies, she steals, she does whatever she needs to do to get money for drugs. She has four children, three youngest she has no idea who the fathers are. Those kids have been taken away, given back, on and on. Those kids don't stand a chance at a normal life. Her oldest child has a father. He was also a drug addict and went to prison. My niece was also serving time at the same time so they both had to relinquish custody and he went to live with my sister, his grandmother who also had a seven year old daughter at the time. Little boy was four. That little guy was so traumatized from living on the streets with his mother, it broke your heart and it almost broke my sister emotionally some of the stuff that came out in his therapy. My sister had to totally disown her daughter. She can't be in the same room knowing what the little boy has been through.

That was several years ago. Another niece asked if this year for the holiday dinners could the addict niece be invited since she hasn't been around the family gatherings for years. I said absolutely not. My sister would be devastated all over again if she has to spend a day in the company of her daughter. I told my niece who made the request, if you want to have a relationship with your cousin, that is your business. But don't invite her to any family function or in any way try to get her and my sister in the same room. I told her, you don't know or understand their history and there's plenty of reasons why addict niece is not welcome in our homes. Don't cross that line. And I don't doubt it's addict niece wanting to see her mother who is putting the other neice up to this.

Sometimes we have to take drastic measures to protect ourselves from the chaos that the addict lives and sometimes innocent children are unfortunately involved. None of my family has contact with addict neice so none of us have ever seen her three younger kids. These are my sisters grandchildren but she says it doesn't matter. She can't get emotionally involved with these kids and go through what she did with the other child.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

This is indeed a difficult situation . Since projecting into the future is not wise , I would pray on the process and if you feel it necesssary to be honest and draw a firm boundary i know it would be best to attempt to say what you mean and mean what you say without saying it mean.

Lake · Newbie

Abundant thanks for your replies!

Concern is not so much that the boy will be a bad influence on my older sons, but exposing them to dysfunctional family dynamics, stressful vacations, me being stressed out, etc. Plus I don't want them to feel responsible for him in 10+ years, given the decision was made to do nothing, when it could have made a difference. I don't want them to have this burden, as I have had since I was 14. It is easy enough to spend our time with other family members, cousins in other states.

I devote my professional life to serving people with addictions and other troubles. But really I need to minimize exposure in my private life, it makes me nuts like nothing else can.

For me it's been like watching a 30+ year train wreck in slow motion. No surprise one of my stepsisters was driven to drink given the way she was raised (yes she had the genetics too). Crazy mother (even though sober), inept and absent father. I tried to sound alarm bells at 14 due to the dysfunction I saw and of course didn't get very far nor did my mother.

Thanks again :)

lgnutah · Senior Member

Clearly state what you are willing to do (Mom, we would love for you and stepfather to join us at the place we are renting for a week at the beach sometime) and what you are not willing to do ("but it will need to be at a time when your step-grandson isn't staying with you") or whatever it is that you are willing to agree or not agree to.do in connection with the step-grandson and his mother.

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