dry drunk,coda funk. - Al-Anon Family Group

aquamom23 · Senior Member

dry drunk,coda funk.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

ugh, your post shows such heaviness! Like you are a water balloon about to bust.

Also I see how very intelligent you are.Drinking or white knuckling is almost worse than one or the other

Yes it is true, it is up to us to make a plan and set it into motion. Once can start small, just looking at possibilities to move to. Looking at jobs, or sharing a home with another mom.

It may be really realizing life does not have to be like this.

He is in a pit and dragging you and your kiddos in with him. It looks like you don't want to be pulled in anymore.

I mean what do you get out of it? What is the draw?

He is going to do what he is. Now what path do you want? Does your life have to be pulled into his disease?

hugs!!

Spur · Senior Member

Omg, aquamom. I could have written that as well, especially your last sentence. It seems once we start detaching, we can really see our As for the people they have become...and sometimes they are multiple dysfunctional people all rolled into one gigantic mish-mash. Then it's also a hard realization that we did in fact marry our A parent.

One day at a time is a good strategy and what gets me through the week.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

I get it, Aquamom, you are not alone! You sound like you know what you want and where you want to be some day. I love your MRS acronym, too. My AH was a dry drunk for 15 years, but I didn't even know it. I thought he was bipolar or had serious depression and anger issues. Then, when he started drinking again and I started to attend Al Anon, I pulled my head out of the sand and I figured out just exactly who I had married and why! Frightening to realize that I had married my father, when I swore up and down that I would NOT marry a man like him EVER.

Keep coming back: I just wanted you to know that there are others who understand and who are walking this very same path! HUGS!

aquamom23 · Senior Member

You guys are awesome. Thanks! Debilyn, ooooh you are on the button. I vacillate between fear and courage. I started looking at jobs yesterday. Up jumped fear in the form of but who will look after the children? It wasn't a self defeating fear of "they'd never hire you",but this timid little "things aren't so bad are they?"whisper.what do I get out of this? Financial security and free sex. Sounds like a certain profession,lol lol! But nope,not want I want in a marriage. And I'm ok with being on my own. I do need to find a job and get a license to drive. I can hire a nanny. I need to tangibly remind myself of my own abilities and it is bloody scary!

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

aquamom23 wrote:
my coda tendencies of falling into depression enable his disease too. So whether wet or dry,its one day at a time. I can NOT do this for the duration of my life.usually ,id be acting doe eyed and grateful that he is not drinking...now I just fight pessimism,tell myself one day at a time, and try my best to navigate the silent minefield that is personal detachment while being married.it feels like an oxymoron.I believe that myh higher power telling me to get independent. Someone once told me you have to go out and make it happen....thats never been true for me.i have to want it.oh boy do I want it! We went through a drive thru and he called the attendant darling. Guess who else he calls darling? I can not tell how funny and horrid it is to realise you married your uncles,cousins,father and mother all rolled onto one! Peace to all with gratitude for the sanity of our wonderful community.

Hey Aqua...welcome and i saw your post and had to validate you.....ohhh this is sooo familiar.....i am coda too...i was real bad with the on and off depression over, now, struggling to make a living w/out the AH drinking up our money, etc.....so i am doing st. johns wort to help my moods......i dumped my drunk....he was sweet to me AH#2 that is, but i just did not want to as you said "do this for the rest of my life" i saw my life in a mirror, married 13 years and i thought like peggy lee in that old old song "is this all there is" boy that song rang a bell w/me...i know it sounded negative..she was probably married to an A or screwed up by growing up with it (me) and continuing the insanity marrying it....i married my mother the first AH....a drunk, rager....me me me me.....i had no existence except to "listen" to him.....oh yea.....you are not alone...hang with us and you will get into the groove of alanon which is for US..not the one who drove us here..be it parent (me) spouse (me) or siblings (me) man!! i wallowed in this sickness.....now i just have me and its a buggar trying to make it in this world, but i would never go back to the A just for financial help....it is not worth it....he didn't want recovery...so be it......i relate to marrying your relatives....i did it b/c i hadn't worked out my past in step 4 and put it to rest......hang with us...you will get into the swing of the steps and the meets and fellowship.....U R not alone.............IN SUPPORT

aquamom23 · Senior Member

I remember thinking is that all there is before i made a major change. This time around, i want to do it honestly. There's an aa saying, wherever i go,there i am. That is kicking me in the arm right now! And rightfully so. I ran so hard with my eyes wide open, all the way back to me. I have a lot of stuff to sort out....but i know from my last coda treatment outpatient programme that it was a lot less scary out than it was in. My evidence tells me that i can confront me and not fall through the floor. And i do truly feel my hp all around me, loving and kind, growing bravery alongside fear.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Sometimes the dry drunk DOES have real depression and anger issues but the fact that they have no program and don't do any work / self-inventorying is what keeps them locked in it.

Usually a dry drunk will exhibit personality disorder symptoms revolving around entitlement, narcissism, and sometimes social avoidance. They will feel out of step with other people, be intensely judgmental, and then feel angry and depressed as a result of all this. This has been my experience with the "dry drunk" time and time again.

As for you Aquamom, I applaud your effort to focus on self and your own CoDA issues. Remember though, being with a dry drunk is going to bring out your worst CoDA traits if not diligently working on them. Even then, you get baited constantly. So don't be too hard on yourself. It is hard to not act CoDA with a person that you want to care about, but they really pull for you to be that way. Not to blame him, but 2 sick people usually bring out the worst in each other.

Mirandac · ~*Service Worker*~

Thank you pink i needed to read that. I keep struggling because my ah
Has been dry our entire marriage. Its hard to see yes he is an alcoholic.
Your thoughts are very helpful. You can read all that literature but it is really
Generic not specific in relation to us the spouse of the A. And our interactions
With them.

Self love and self care are the way to freedom and my hp's love. i see that now,really
Working the alanon program. Leave dry ah to deal with his own Issues. That is
easy to say now that we are seperated and i Have Had three months of not
living with him. He is stalled in his emotional recovery because he will not face
Himself or his demons, he has his own HP to take care of him not me. I hope
I can leave the codie behind me in my journey to a happier life.

aquamom23 · Senior Member

Actually PC, its not that hard to not get pulled in when practicing detachment. The person I cared about was this loving,adoring man who put me first and made me feel special. The person I live with is selfish, and rooted in denial. Being young and professionally successful enables that denial. It really is stage 2 of the merry go round. He is so smug in his mind,and I've seen it all before. Its only been about a month and isn't a serious attempt to stop, but rather the ridiculous attempt to prove drinking isn't the issue,self control is. Blah blah blah. I'm not patient with stupidity. I have seriously thought about the concept of a coda interfering with an a's hp. I cant mess with that. I've stepped back from assuming responsibility for his life and it feels good. Its just the fear of now taking independent responsibility for my own. Wherever I go,there I am.

MrsHelp · Newbie

DH has personality disorder, not drinking but slips every few months - dry drunk issues with rage, anger, blaming, deflecting problems, etc - I am looking for an online partner or sponsor type person to help me deatch....no local meetings I can attend. Can anybody be my buddy?

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

As always, I like Pinkchip's clarity and understanding. You've just described where my marriage is at currently btw.

My first introduction to codependency was, strangely, via an article on a marriage guidance site which talked about 'how the codependency movement is wreaking marriages.' I don't endorse that opinion at all, especially for folks who are dealing with the addictions of others, but I can see their point. A degree of co-dependency in a long term relationship is, IMHO, relatively normal and kind of ok if the caring is reciprocated and not abused. I have found it a tricky balancing act between being a wife who cares, which I would like to be, and detaching from AH's disease, which I don't want to touch with a bargepole. The process has helped me to learn to stay on my side of the street and to say no if I feel uncomfortable doing something, not just in my marriage but in life in general, no bad thing! But I don't want to become too disengaged. I struggle with the balance of it all.

Hello, MrsHelp - welcome to MIP. I think that you will find lots of help here, this site has been a life saver for me! I'm trying to learn to detach and keep reading as much as I can on these pages. I hope that you will stay with us - it is a really positive learning curve.

KennyFenderjazz · ~*Service Worker*~

MrsHelp, Start your own thread and introduce yourself and your situation. You should get lots of responses!

and Keep coming back!

Kenny

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