feeling mixed up and need help - Al-Anon Family Group

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

feeling mixed up and need help

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

Sweetie,

You probably know better than I do that when you aren't getting enough nutrition it is hard on every organ and system in your body--even your brain, which your body will work very hard to preserve no matter what else it has to throw under the bus. I should say especially your brain.

Remember H A L T? I don't know what you do about it when you can't eat, and I hope you figure it out soon. Just getting low blood sugar can make me nuts. Go get an IV of glucose and electrolytes if it gets bad enough? Before it gets too bad, ideally?

Love you. I don't know how you'll take this, but I think we have enough history if you are offended, you'll tell me, I'll apologize, we'll be fine again. I told my pretty well off friend, when we were at the church bazaar and we saw these handmade teddy bears and I was buying mine and she was hesitating: G, if you see something and you like it, that means Jesus wants you to have it. Insert God if necessary--I can't remember if Witnesses believe in Jesus.

So, I think if you have always wanted a miniature steer, that means the Universe wants you to have him. I can't wait to see the pictures when he's sitting on your couch. Will you be able to take those tags off his ears? He's gorgeous. He'll love you. It's all good. Have you read ACA literature on parenting yourself? You want your kids to have what they want. Maybe do the same for Little Debilyn? Want her to have what she wants. She can afford it. It's an abundant Universe. You know this--you've probably planted a zuccini seed.

Most people can handle watermelon, no matter what.

Bless you,
Temple

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

temple you are my rock. lol Jehovah's Witnesses are Bible based to the max. We believe and treasure and if we are true JW's we live it every moment. It is our way of life. (c:

The tags are for fly control and they just pop off and yes they are coming OUT. Plus he will not be dehorned, very painful.

lol thank you for caring liker that. I am a vegan and don't believe in eating meat, or dairy or any animal product cept the chickens eggs I raise. My choice, only biblical from the fact adam and eve were vegans.Nothing ate meat at first anyway.

Water melon is my favorite food. lol out of season. ugh. I always have it around and you are right.

I do make myself eat rice and mild stuff. Its more my guts don't work right. My intestines don't excrete the moisture it is suppose too.

Just like we well most of us are, under stress of good or bad, our guts go wonky. ugh.

I agree and you are right, I bet some of this anxiety us from not eating.

wow thank you. Who else would have blessed me with this gift Temple? He is the exact creature I wanted. How come I don't get the man I have prayed for for forever? lol

hmmm that makes me think different.

Mac is great at photography.... so I am sure I will have tons of pictures. LIttle one will have to tell me his name. Be fun to find out what it is.

I was not going to have another horse or farm pig. they take a lot of energy. but no regrets. they surrounded me yesterday when I sat out there crying. just letting it out. Glory kept licking my hair and her pig Augie. Hey I never thought of naming Augie, Augie. I had the wrong name, didn't feel right, then out of my mouth came, Augie. august ronin Mcphate. lol

thank you Temple.

Luiza · Senior Member

Deblyn. I was thinking about it this morning before work.

Why I feel guilty even thinking about doing something nice for myself? Why do I feel I don't deserve the best, don't deserve to be loved, don't deserve to feel good? Why I don't even know how to take compliments and good feedback?

Even when I was pregnant, I had those horrible feelings that my baby wouldn't deserve the same as other babies, somehow my baby would be below other children and should know her 'place'...how crazy is it?? I still have to fight myself really hard not to rub my issues on my daughter everyday.

I don't know the answer but I am learning I deserve. And I hope I will get better. Taking baby steps everyday towards looking after me and making me happy and feeling good about myself.

You are very loving and wise and such a grateful person with an wonderful heart.

I am happy to hear you are going to meet with your son and spend time with him and get your new pet.
(((hugs)))

-- Edited by Luiza on Monday 20th of October 2014 05:40:38 PM

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear ((((((((((((((Deb)))))))))))) I couldn't agree w/Temple more.......I think you are nutrition deficient and yea, you have this idea that you don't deserve stuff...had to giggle about the cotton mens short underwear....I hate the ones that ride up, so i buy the cotton "boy shorts" and I used to think like you, not thinking deep down that i deserved stuff and alanon is changing that for me, thank goodness

i also agree that the universe IS abundence, it is not just abundent, it IS abundence and I would love to see all of us alanons take that to our hearts...i have been worrying about all the lack and limitiation an "how am i gonna pay off my credit card with all i have done???" the house, door, car, etc., changing wardrobe, (clothes at goodwill so not too bad there) but this sliding glass door cost a mint...and i am sitting in fear mode and not enjoying the danged thing, LOL...all b/c i am focusing on the debt....today i told me, that I will pay this off, it will get done....it will be OK b/c I am OK......

re: the steer...you want him....HP wants you to have him, otherwise he woud not be in your life.....I completely agree wiht temple.....your God wants you to be happy....there is nothing wrong w/you , you are chock full of love and you just ache to give that love and get some back.....i dunno what what i would do w/out my dogs and kitty and birdies.....love my critters.....i would rescue more if i had the wherewithall to take care of them.....right now i don't.....that could change...if it does i am reaching out to rescue....

i am concerned about your diet and your health, it impacts every organ in our bodies when we are not getting fed well enough and it makes ya spacey and i know for me, i get spacey, irritable, my nerves are worse, all ofit....the whole nine yards, so i eat 6 smaller meals a day to keep that constant flow of nutirition with all the food groups.....

Please my good friend, take better care of you...the world needs more Debilyns in this earth......I really really wish i could help you more than this lousey little post........sending you hugs of support....always!!!!!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb, I see you as a sacrificing person. In most ways it is a character asset and only a defect when it's out of balance. I can't envision "hedonistic" Debilyn. That would not be you. You won't save all the animals in the world in your life either and at some point, taking care of them all will be taxing. For now, it is making you happy and you only live once...Keep some humans active with you too though!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Luiza I have never heard that before how you described your baby. I know to you it had to be the best most beautiful. know its place?

geez my kids I taught to go for it, say what you feel. One teacher called them both enigmas, lol daughter told him what is wrong with being a waitress if you like it? lol They both are self confidant to the max and leaders.

I did relate some to the guilty thing. But if I don't do it for me who will? I am glad you are learning your worth!!

Rose thank you. I so get what you are saying. I remember being so impressed with all the things you were doing to your home And you shown such pride!

Mark I have always known never to take on more than you can handle. That would be exhausting and not any fun! When we had our sanctuary wow, was amazing. But losing my husband I had to retire from it. So now I only have what I really enjoy. I just wish poultry came with corks....hehe

Sacrificing to me is not good, compromising is. But I do know what you mean, gotta draw a line. You made me think more about this.

I always like your thoughts btw. um human? I do have lunch with friends at least once a month. always fun. Yak with neighbors. But literally no one is in my house. I never feel good enough in that department. Well I shared about all the damage. Once I get my floors in and doors....geez.

humans....I am the kind of person who will be involved in something, work, volunteering, meetings, and am shy but I smile and listen and ask questions, when I feel comfy with where I m physically, I then will find I am drawn to someone.

I have shared its hard for me since I have physical limitations to leaving my home. digestive stuff.

It took my last love over ten years to get me to a point of trusting, depending on them, believing he loved me. Its not I don't feel I don't deserve to be loved, its more when I love someone they go away or die.Which he did, as did my two husbands and on and on.

I knew my second husband all my life.

I think I am so terrified of having a relationship go away again, I don't let myself love anymore or even feel interested> i like men, talk to them, but that is that.

I love how you and your husband found each other and are happy. I love how you handle your differences.lol making half the bed, I suppose you do your own dishes? I loved the differences with my now xah. Loved them. He was so tunnel visioned and driven. I think outside the box, am terribly spontaneious.

Just have this patched old scared heart now. sadly I learned it hurts to love.

thank you guys, helping me think! seems funny isn't it, i want/need to hear debi of course you deserve to have a cow in your life! lol

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn: I'm stumped. I'm really stumped on this one. I've read it through 3 times and others' responses as well. Admittedly, the only thing that comes to me is knowledge of a friend who was vegan, went to the doctor for blood draws and found out she didn't have enough protein in her diet, so she had to add more to her diet than what she was eating. That's it. Sorry. That, and could you hire a caretaker in exchange for room and board? That's all I've got. :^(

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Grateful, I have thought about a room mate. If someone comes along that feels right I am open to it. but...oh and you will love this...My dear friend was on her way back from Pennsylvania to come live here on eden. She was an animal lover like me and lived like me.

She called me from Boise. Mind you she had her pig in her car, I had the other two here...she was sick, I said to go to hospital. Dear one, she called me, cancer all thru her body, she was dying. She died while on the phone to me. Makes ya wonder if you want to be my friend huh? Her son went and got piggy and brought Iggy to me.

so....No hon it is totally me. Been like this all my life. Then I had a complete hysterectomy, made it sooo much worse. doc thinks they damaged something.

So "any" stress I am in trouble. This tenant thing is way too much on me. so ad the good things, still, can be stressful, I am in trouble. I did eat yesterday. something simple and healthy. I shoulda camped in bathroom all night. Its that bad, then it is painful and ya feel sickie. plus it does not help when ya have six little doggies who run with you to br trying to trip you and in the way. At least the cat sleeps in the other bedroom, he will hop on the toilet and I have sat on him before! ugh. If it wasn't so gross it would be funny. lol

There is plenty of protein in everything I eat. I just have so many intolerances. My fingers are about as skinny as they can be I wish I could say the same about my tummy.

the guy emailed me about putting cows here. The thought of asking my tenants to leave and living on what I have with pasture rented appeals to me. I feel a sense of relief. I am going to email this guy, if he is serious, I could have them go and have that whole area for cows too. I like that.

as Long as I have enough money to live I am fine.

thank you for caring. everyone has helped me thru this tough time. IF I just did not have to eat I would be happy.

I am not going to die. I have an armadillo yet to experience! face it I am just plain nuts.....

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Debilyn, there is nothing I can say that the others haven't already said, except this, I'm praying to HP to give you the guidance and insight you need to get through this.

(((Debilyn)))

bud · ~*Service Worker*~

Be gentle with you Debilyn! I'm not necessarily the best person to reply, as I once walked home with a 3rd horse. I "get it" and the steer sounds amazing and he'd be so lucky to be part of your family! Fulfilling our dreams can be a wonderful thing. I, too, had been influenced by the depression mentality and had to learn that it is ok to buy myself things. I also had to learn to do nice things for myself, not just others. It's progress and not perfection. When I feel at dis-ease, I have learned to sit with the discomfort to see what bubbles up and what part of the program can best apply. Taking loving steps towards taking care of myself helps restore trust in myself and allows me to then give to others. Simple comforting foods help ease a cranky digestive tract. I know I think and feel better if I eat nutritiously. Sending prayers that HP will help clear the confusion.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

If you were a client, I would suggest you get grounded and pull together everything you have just said into a few succinct questions. I would also ask if you are attending meetings and have a sponsor. You seem very fragmented, Debilyn. Of course, none of this is said in judgment...the door was opened by your invite and I stepped in. (((Debilyn))).

Breakingfree · ~*Service Worker*~

Deb, I just want you to know you are loved! I am sending you prayers and support in whatever you decide to do that best takes care of you!

Diva · ~*Service Worker*~

Well, here goes. I tend to leave god out of these kinds of things. You want the little steer, then you should have him. Our life on earth goes around only one time, and so we must not live a life of total sacrifice. In fact, I believe sacrifice is a mistake providing we have the means to acquire what we want. I, being a person of fairly unlimited means, have what I want and make sure those I love have what they want too. It brings me great joy to give as well as to receive.

But here's another point. You must eat properly. I agree with your vegan lifestyle; I am vegan myself, to the point that if it does not grow in the ground, I do not eat it. Still, one can formulate a healthy vegan diet, and I salute you for doing so.

You are much too hard on yourself Debilyn. Allow yourself the pleasures that you can have in life without guilt. Your bible teaches you that's okay. Further, anyone who says they must not want is an unfortunate individual. We don't have to "deserve" anything in order to have it. And we do not need to equate wanting and denying with anything to do with our lives with addicts. Bull! If we got what we "deserved", we'd probably all go to hellif there is such a place. lololol

Smile, laugh, rejoice!!! All three - smiling, laughing, and rejoicing are good for your spirit, and good for your health.

Diva

-- Edited by Diva on Wednesday 22nd of October 2014 05:16:12 PM

Fairlee · Senior Member

Do you think that maybe, somewhere deep inside, you don't feel like you deserve to be happy? Of course you do deserve that, but I struggle with feeling like I deserve good things...I think this is just part of the whole codependency and insecurity that comes from living with addicts for any length of time. I can't wait to hear about your mini jersey...seek out your HP to give you the strength you need to get out of this slump. You are slowly making your dream - keep it going! You do deserve it and so much more!

Fairlee · Senior Member

That should have read "I struggle with feeling like I don't deserve good things"

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

I find when I begin to believe I "deserve" (whatever it is) in creeps entitlement and that is not a pretty picture for me. I do the best I can to live in gratitude, strengthen my boundaries (not always easy smile ) and just be with what is...that seems to take the sting out of experiences that don't turn out the way I believe they should because of my thoughts that might sound something like this "I have been good, I am good....where are my rewards?" or "why me?"

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