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Post Info TOPIC: Sick website...are "most men" like this???


~*Service Worker*~

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Sick website...are "most men" like this???


I am admitting something that is causing me a lot of pain. Whenever I feel sad and lonely I go to a website my AH posts on...to wake me up to the reality of how sick he really is. I just finished looking at some very disturbing images he posted. It's a site where anything goes...and people are really sick. They post stuff for the shock value. He tries to tell me MOST men are like this...posting nasty stuff...saying nasty things...etc etc. I don't believe it. I would like to hear from some honest men out here...is this true? Are most men just like this??? My ex had/has an addiction to porn. My current AH is probably addicted to this immature website. I feel sick to my stomach. I am banging my head against the wall. Again. talk about relapse...that's me. And it's sick. 



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~*Service Worker*~

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NLG: Please, please go to a meeting today if you can do it? Your focus today seems to be totally on him and others like him. They have a right to live life as they choose whether we agree with it or not. Is this the way you want to spend yours, sister? Watching what he's doing or not doing? I'm concerned for you.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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NLG I believe that we are all human and have negative and positive attributes . Porn sites are a turn on for many although I for one cannot look at them or at a porn movie .

Keeping the focus on what enhances my life,without judging others has helped me to grow and allow others to" live and let live."

There is much in this world I have learned to accept without approving of it and understand the alanon suggestion that we need not go about the world fighting windmills like the fictional character Don Quixote


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Betty

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~*Service Worker*~

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I am going to my support group tonight. It's a website about gore too...not just porn. And they talk to each other. It's crazy. And I am crazy for hurting myself by looking at it. I guess I am telling my brain "See!!! Why would you want to hug him and try to feel better from a man like this??" Ugh



-- Edited by Newlife girl on Monday 20th of October 2014 02:28:22 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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I don't know about "most men," but I don't think so.

And none of the ones I have been close to are like that. The classmates married to my girlfriend classmates are not like that. Nor friends' husbands.

And I agree with all the good counsel here. concentrate as much as you can on you and the kind of life you want for yourself and the people you want in it.

So sorry,
Temple

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~*Service Worker*~

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I apologize to everyone for my illness of codependency shining through today. I felt sick enough to reach out here. I guess I really have trust issues.

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~*Service Worker*~

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The only one getting hurt is you, sister. I can't talk for the rest of us. I can talk for me. I haven't been offended by your shares. I am concerned for you though and I am glad you're going to your group meeting and hope you have f2f meetings or on-line meetings lined up for yourself, too.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks grateful. :)

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Senior Member

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We all spin out of control at times. You need to remember, you can't change him and you can't control him. You need to ask yourself why you are obsessing about him today. He does things that offend you. Don't go to his website if that's going to upset you. He's your ex now. His behavior is his own and you don't have to live with him anymore. Celebrate that!

Work your program. We're all here to help you. You'll always find friends here and we'll never judge you. We just want you to be in a healthy spot emotionally so you can calm and work on those things that do bring joy and happiness into your life.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I think a whole lot of men look at porn to varying degrees. How often? That depends. Gore? Well, I watch gory movies all the time and sometimes enjoy watching ultimate fighting and stuff but I don't like watching other "real gore" or suffering things...that would disturb me.

Your husband also thinks being unemployed is no problem, getting plastered to the point of being hospitalized is not a relapse and is "only a slip", Nyquil is a normal sleep med...The list goes on.

So...NLG, you know the answers to your questions. No he is not "normal." No, he's not what you wanted. Yes you had reasons for leaving. Yes, you are lonely. Yes, this growth hurts. Yes, it's normal to miss part of him. Yes, it is gut wrenching to have to cut your losses because his negatives far outweigh his positives.

Yeah...so, just know that the growing you are doing is painful but necessary. I see you doing the whole, "I wonder if that canker sore I have still hurts? I will bite it to find out." thing.

Another thing: When you are quitting something (and this applies to the A as well), there is a giant void where that thing or person used to be. You are trying to fill up the void but it's not full. It's best to fill it with spirituality, program, friends, faith, being active...BUT, the natural tendency is that you want to fill that up with what used to be there (HIM). Sadly, it sounds like that is a puzzle piece that no longer fits in that place and every time you think about using him to fill it, it hurts. The "hole" is exacerbated by other life changes too (kids going away to school).

Finding new ways to be whole is scary and challenging. If my husband up and left (or turned into something so different I couldn't put up with it), I would be a complete and utter wreck trying to figure out what to do with myself, but I'd have to move on and create new meaning. When something is done, it's done. Create new meaning and be fearless about it as much as you can.

What would it mean for you to really TRULY release him to his HP? What would it mean to stop imposing your will on him? That is really step 1...surrender. Only God is gonna get the crazy out of him and he has to be willing to cooperate with God. You are not his HP and you can't make him cooperate even if you were. Surrender. Truly. Maybe even have a little funeral and bury the image of him that you cling to which is simply not him. But....when you do that, know that you are closing to door on that so you can let your HP further in.

The future holds more stable relationships...happier times, grandkids...lots of good things for you. This is a really rocky transition period and you will be better off for navigating through it.

PS - 6 years ago I felt like I hit a pretty horrific bottom...with my own alcoholism but I also left my alcoholic partner I'd been with for 7 years. I was so raw and scared for a couple years. I had a rebound boyfriend for some period until that made me miserable too...I stuck to recovery though and for the most part, it's been steady progress. Had I not had the bottom, I would have no reference for rebuilding my life to what it is now. I do remember sleeping on the couch in my own place and being so scared and lonely that I had to have the TV on and I wouldn't even sleep in my bed...I slept on the couch for a year. I would call my sponsor and cry sometimes (less and less)...not even about drinking, but fear of being alone. It got better...and by the time it did, I was out and about and active in the world again...dating healthier people...ending relationships that were not healthy.

It's just life NLG. Right now it's sorta kicking your ass, but I have a sense of you. You are getting fed up and I know you are turning a giant corner. It's darkest before the dawn.

Chin up!



-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 20th of October 2014 03:21:17 PM



-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 20th of October 2014 05:34:41 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks again PC. I do have an issue filling the void. Regarding the gore...it's real life human gore. Very disturbing. And I keep beating myself up with it. So many changes within the last 6 months is hard for me to take. That's life I suppose. I am watching a program on spirituality. It helped. I appreciate you...as always.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I think what you've really found out is how sick your A is, not how sick most men are.  If most men were that sick, there would be millions of those websites (which there aren't) and magazines with it would be on every newstand and the national news would have that kind of stuff as a matter of course.

My own guess is that one way we have of staying stuck is thinking, "Oh well, all men/people/relationships are like that, so mine wasn't so bad."  I really told myself that my A was the best I could get so I'd better stick with him.  That was just depression and delusion talking.  You are questioning whether this really is the norm or the best a person can get - you are right to question it!  Because most men/people/relationships are better than that, and certainly healthy ones are miles better.  Keep heading toward the light.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks Mattie. I asked my AH once how he knew most men were like him...did he take a poll? It's just really disgusting and sad. I am trying to make the rest of the day better.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hon NO not all men and women are like this.

Some addicts use porn, gambling, fighting etc to get a high. The same place in the brain gets excited by all this type thing. To me it is evil.

This is why for one reason if we don't fight, don't engage they don't find us fun anymore. They need to get a reaction to feel that sense of pleasure.

I am so sad you saw this. I sure would not go there. It's not good for us at all.

Find a site where you enjoy what others enjoy. My fb is full of animal lovers and defenders. We love the same things. We even help each other out.

I invite you to get involved in positive and good things, things that will help you feel good inside....Like watching frogs try to attack a worm on someones cell phone screen! lol lol

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks again Debilyn. Working on positive thoughts now.

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~*Service Worker*~

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hotrod wrote:

NLG I believe that we are all human and have negative and positive attributes . Porn sites are a turn on for many although I for one cannot look at them or at a porn movie .

Keeping the focus on what enhances my life,without judging others has helped me to grow and allow others to" live and let live."

There is much in this world I have learned to accept without approving of it and understand the alanon suggestion that we need not go about the world fighting windmills like the fictional character Don Quixote


 i 100% agree with this and what grateful said....i have learned, finally after a LOT of hard alanon work, to live and let live...to ascertain what i will accept, what i will not, but do it w/out condemnation...i just do what i gotta do to take care of me.... , I don't approve, but i live and let live, and if i don't want it in my life, i have the right to dissociate......and its true,  fighting it will not change it...

the only time i break my rule of live and let live is if i know a child is being molested or a pet being beaten, then i step up..call the cops...pester the authorities to do something till its done.....but that b/c it is my duty as a human to not stand by while children, animals, other vulnerables are being destroyed.....

as to porn site fans??? my BFF was married to a porn site fan...he would get on those sites and my BFF knew it,  she was in recovery for HER issues and basically she let it go b/c it was not her problem AND she was 100% financially dependent on him as she is disabled and cannot work, so she kinda had to "endure" and she didn't think he was doing anything outside to harm anyone...she didn't approve, either, she detached.....

then one night  hes on line, doing his masturbatory thing and their DAUGHTER walks in the door and he is so engrossed and my friend says she happened to see this where he looked at daughter and WENT BACK TO BUSINESS like she wasn't even there....

that was it for her....she knew she could not change him, could not control this, but it had impacted their child...that was the deal breaker....she ordered him out of the house or police action would be executed as daughter was a minor, so, frightened of legal action, he left......

please please dont let this eat you...please listen to the other folks here you got GREAT responses.....whether you stay or leave, i hope you can find stuff that gives YOU joy and stuff that is pleasing to YOU........sending you hugs of support

 

PS...No, not all men are into this..not all women either....its like any addiction...some are into it...a lot are not.....i kinda lean to what Deb says about it being at the very least of the "darkness" b/c it wreaks of a sick disrespect of ones own body and that of the bodies he is viewing......but there again, i hate to condemn b/c if they are not acting out and harming innocents and are being a "closet" porn fan, then at least they are degrading themselves and not anyone else......I am so so sorry you saw this, but ya know??? i always bought into the old saying that the "truth does set us free"  maybe u were meant to see this to illustrate the importance of learning how to take care of you and detach or out and out disconnect from that which is just NOT what you want......Sending you hugs of support



-- Edited by neshema2 on Monday 20th of October 2014 06:04:14 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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I guess one way of asking the question would be "if normal men are like this, do I want normal?"

Kenny

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~*Service Worker*~

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KennyFenderjazz wrote:

I guess one way of asking the question would be "if normal men are like this, do I want normal?"

Kenny


 Good point. Thanks Kenny



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Neshema. We haven't talked much so you probably didn't realize I moved out in March. I am still not letting go of him like I should. Also, this website is more than just typical porn. He posted a link to really gorey pictures of people. And video clips of stuff like beheadings and other crazy sexual things. It's bad. So I realize I need to ignore it.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I am glad you have moved out.  Not only is it not normal, I would question whether he's safe to be around. 

My ex-AH claimed that all kinds of sordid things he liked are normal.  Not violent, but just tawdry.  I think everyone who has something embarrassing about themselves tries to tell themselves it's normal.  Just as they try to maintain that drinking themselves into a stupor is completely normal and we're just uptight fussbudgets.  Their definition of normal is way, way off.  It's easy to become cynical around people like that, but there are millions of people who are not like that.

It's also important to realize it's not normal because we want those alarm bells to go off if we ever encounter another person with those interests.  What's normal is to drop them like a hot potato!

Take good care of yourself.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Newlife girl wrote:

Hi Neshema. We haven't talked much so you probably didn't realize I moved out in March. I am still not letting go of him like I should. Also, this website is more than just typical porn. He posted a link to really gorey pictures of people. And video clips of stuff like beheadings and other crazy sexual things. It's bad. So I realize I need to ignore it.


 oh yea, i saw that you moved out on a later post...sorry , i didn't see it......and u will let go as you progress in your program...loss is hard...having to give someone up to their creator is very very tough...you invested time and effort in this relationship.....its tough.....omg....gorey stuff??? oh golly, he sounds scary...who enjoys watching beheadings????  oh lordie, i am very glad u r out of this......sooo sad and soo sick......i just keep giving folks like this over to creator....just keep working myself and yea, i have a real messed up brother, the younger one, he is so bad from drugs and booze, he went out "hunting" for a cop car to take out...didn't matter if police man was in it, he barrelled down on a cruiser and hit it dead center...had that poor man been in his car he would have been killled.....my brother (this is hard for me to admit) it was like he bragged about it...to him it was  like "wow, i t-boned a cop"  and NO sorrow in his voice that he nearly took a life......creeped me out so badly, i just kept giving him up to creator....essentially he is gone to me....my other alkie brother who is older than he went to see him and saw the shocking filth in which he lives and how screwed up he was and called me in tears....this brother i am very close to,  he cried as he mourned the loss of our younger brother.......it was so sad...I told brother that we must move on and let him go, give him up to creator and LET GO......pray for any potential victims in his sites and stay the hell away from him.......i just hate what has happened to this youngest brother, but i am powerless over it, he has gone over to the darkness and I had to release him....never ever would i permit him to ever visit me....i am thanking my lucky stars he is in CA and i am in TX.....when they are that far gone in their addictions where they are potentially a menace it is time to run like hell and pull up the draw bridges......so sorry for you going through this awful awful experience.............sending you hugs of support....



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~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks Neshema. I think AH does these stupid things on that website to get attention and for the shock value. It's crazy.

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How frustrating. don't they say that what people accuse others of is what they are guilty for? of course he thinks everyone else is into this since he is addicted. plus i bet the same people post the dirty stuff over and over. Gross. i'm pretty sure that "most men" don't like this kind of thing. I'm sure most men have better things to do with their time.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Newlife...only one part of the description of addictions is called "a compulsion of the mind"...would that also work for you?  Is your mind compulsed to god after him kinda sorta like "use" him like an addict uses drugs and alcohol.  It sounded to me like you were trying to validate what he is and what he does as if somehow a measurement of normal could be used and then you already classify it as sick thru the filter of your own value system.  Your value system say it is sick and the short of it is that when you accept what your gut/value system tells you, you won't have to question it any longer.  Acceptance is the solution to all of our problems.  Those sites exist because there are people who participate in them and then you are not one of them and neither am I.  Continue working with "Letting go and Letting God".   Hope your meeting was a winner.   Keep coming back (((((hugs))))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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It is been a process for me to live and let live without judgment or categorizing what is normal or not according to the world of Paula.  Do I still do this?  Yes I do, but, as I become clear on what works for me and what does not work for me, I am really less concerned with "normal" and I have fewer categories of what I deem normal.  I used to tell my kids just because things are considered "normal", does not mean they are healthy.  If I keep the focus on what is healthy for me, what people do is really less important.  Keep working your program and, day by day, this life will become more joy filled.  It sort of snuck up on me when I wasn't  lookingbiggrin.



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Paula



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That website sounds terrible. I'm sure it is hard to get those images out of your head. I hope your HP can give you some relief from that. Stay strong and start building your life away from your AH, if that is your path. It sounds like you are make the first steps toward freedom from him so don't put yourself back in that place. Be strong - look to the future.

If that is your dog in the picture he/she is adorable...thank goodness for the unconditional love of animals :)

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Oops! Forgot one thing! I have a teenage boy (and two teenage girls) so we have a family filter on our internet...whenever something gets viewed that is suspect, it sends this message, which it's always my AH so I ought to just turn that option off - I don't want to check up on him, anyway he always acts like he is so perfect and this really strong faithful person but his reality and his perceived life are two very different things...I just get really offended if it is some pic of some 20 year old when we have girls close to that age - ewww I will never understand that but I'm probably a prude.

I mean it's one thing if you want to look at pictures of pretty girls half naked or naked or whatever but when you go around like someone who would never do such a thing...well I would just rather you be REAL, ya know? Own up to it and I'll respect you more...everything has got to be hidden and secretive with my AH... It's all just a big show and I'm not really sure who the show is for because I know the reality. Oh that denial is strong stuff!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks Fairlee. Yes, that's my dog. He is wonderful.

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