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Post Info TOPIC: dating a woman in recovery, really need some insight


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dating a woman in recovery, really need some insight


hello to all,

i have been dating a woman who is coming up on her three year celebration. in trying to understand better what she is going through and how my interactions with her might be good or bad i have been attending aa and alanon meetings, reading books and researching the internet. of course i have been having conversations with her and always ask what she is feeling, experiencing and needs.  i have learned a number of important lessons. possibly the most meaningful is that i am powerless to change her. i wonder if a number of her traits are typical to those in recovery or is she an anomaly? 

1. lack of energy, constantly tired during day. drinks tons of coffee and not decaf. sleeps poorly. my research suggests the caffeine is counterproductive to sleep as most in recovery have poor sleep

2. very disconnected from her emotions.  holding hands and hugs are quick. kiss, what is that? she has very limited physical desires beyond this and lovemaking comes when she desires it. i would thrill to have her just put her arm around me once while we are sitting together.  when i do that she will get up and move to a single seat

3. afraid to trust

4. self esteem is very low

5. needs to see medical professionals and constantly procrastinates about making appts.

6. has no desire to clean house. "this is not important to me and i don't care if anyone likes it or not."

i care very much for her and have tried through words and actions to show her that. i am trying not to be codependent any comments would be greatly appreciated. 

 



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Senior Member

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Welcome Onewildworld. You are right. You are powerless to change her.

You need to ask yourself if you are getting joy and happiness from this relationship. She has her set of personality traits which you listed. I'm not sure she is going to be able to give you the affection you desire. Living with an addict is a lonely existence. They are self centered and selfish and often narcissistic. I would suggest you take some time to think about what you want in a relationship and what you would like your dream partner to be like and then compare those wants and needs to your current girlfriend.

You will find the tools you need in the Al Anon program. Keep coming back. Most important, take care of you and your needs.

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Senior Member

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Who is to say what causes a lot of these characteristics. The alcohol may have had some influence on her or it could be the way she was raised, past experiences, abuse etc. Please do not take offense but your post says to me that you are indeed trying to 'fix' her and calling it understanding. You may be smothering her with your conversations about her feelings and needs. I have done tons of research into alcohol addiction and thought I was just helping my son by informing him of very telling health issues- he regarded it as me constantly judging and instructing and just plain nagging.

I guess I am also wondering why you would want to date someone who runs the emotional show. She is not exhibiting very loving feelings, she does not trust you, she is a slob. What is there for you? Alanon is about taking care of your issues and living your own life but you seem to be caught up in the investigation of why she is as she is.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi, Onewildworld, glad you have found us.

Learning about alcoholism is valuable for anyone who has a loved one who is or has been involved with drink.  In Al-Anon we also learn about our own tendencies which can sometimes lead us to distorted thinking and unhappiness.

As to whether your GF's traits are alcoholic or not, I would say that they are the traits of someone who's got some problems keeping it all together (NOT saying that she would benefit from someone helping her!  Because ultimately keeping it all together is something she and she alone has to do.)  The caffeine, sleeplessness, and imperfect house are something I recognize from my own tendencies.  Because I am pretty imperfect at keeping it all together too.

But the lack of affection is not alcoholic.  It is what it is.

I think an Al-Anoner in recovery might ask: Why is a lack of affection something I'm willing to tolerate?

Recovery would be a good way to think about that.

You are on the right path.

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi onewildworld,

Welcome to Miracles in Progress. It is heartening to see that you are trying to understand another person by doing research on her traits and behaviors and her recovery process. I was wondering if you have done the same for yourself. I'm guessing you have done some, because you said you are trying to not be codependent. So if you were to get a sponsor and do the steps, you would definitely be trying to find out what makes you tick. You might also find out why it is that you would want to hang out with someone who, from your description, doesn't really seem to care for your company. I did that a lot when I was younger, tried to force myself on women that really didn't want me around. Took them to concerts, got them stuff, but after everything was said and done I realized that they told me in a number of ways they weren't interested, but ended up spending time with me because I would get them nice stuff.

So, based on my own experience being a codependent and dating, I would recommend checking your motives, realizing what a great guy you are with an asset list, making a pro/con list for the relationship, and get a sponsor and do the steps.

Kenny

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi and welcome, .

I have learnt so much about alcoholism at al anon.

I am glad you found us you say you have been to some al anon meetings that is great.

they say try at least 6 before you decide if al anon is for you.  you also say you have attended AA meetings again this is a  good way to learn about alcoholism.  I tend to focus more on al anon meetings as these are for me, however I do attend AA meetings and conventions to understand it from the a's perspective.

A lot of people who find themselves in al anon seem to have a trait of over caring.  I certainly was a care taker, rescuer and  fixer to the detriment of my own wellbeing however today this is more in balance.

alcoholics are alcoholics if drinking or sober and it can take many years of sobriety for them to get what is called emotional sobriety.  The traits in your partner may be due to her illness or just part of who she is time will tell.

However back  to you, in al anon we do not give advice we will not tell you to stay in your relationship or leave that is your choice.

people who are working a good al anon recovery programme will not judge you al anon is a safe space were people understand that living with an A is hard, as they have experienced it themselves.

I agree with pervious share that it is really important to also look at what your needs are as well as your partners.  In the beginning I could not do this as I was so wrapped up with his needs  but al anon member's loved me till I learnt to love myself.

 

keep coming back hugs tracy xxxxxx

 

 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Hello. Welcome to MIP. I agree that Al-Anon meetings for you would be helpful. Glad you're here. Keep coming back.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Hello and welcome. I, too noticed behaviors in my husband that disturbed me before we got married. What I have learned, now that we have been married for almost 12 years...is I should not have ignored things that bother me. I had many red flags that told me I shouldn't stay with this man. But I ignored my intuition and got married anyway. I moved out in March and I am struggling in many ways. People should really look at things that bother them and decide if they really want to live with behaviors they don't approve of.

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Living life one step at a time



~*Service Worker*~

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This is mostly joking and not meant to offend but I do have a serious point.....

How bout an assessment of you instead of her:

1. Dates people that he states tons of negatives about

2. Is critical of girlfriend and quick to rattle off her flaws

3. After very easily noting and complaining about the flaws, states he loves her so much and cares about her (which is kind of the opposite of what a person does who is really in healthy and mature love with another person).

????

So here is where the alanon might come in. Maybe time to evaluate the way in which you go about caring for someone? Is some of her behavior normal for a recovering alcoholic with just shy of 3 years?...yeah...a few of those things maybe. Is it normal to date someone you have so many issues with and that you would do internet searches on what you perceive as their flaws while simultaneously stating how much you love them? Maybe that's a better question.

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Senior Member

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Hi, you got great advice here, just came in to say that she is clearly showing you who she is. If you don't want to change her (and you know you can't do it anyway right?) accept her and love her the way she is.
Does she wants you to change in any way?

Keep coming back.



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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.



~*Service Worker*~

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Good point PC.

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Living life one step at a time



~*Service Worker*~

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You just described what most non A's see from the A in their life.

She is white knuckling, not on a program of recovery. In other words, to just stop drinking is not much. Drinking or  using a substance is only ONE symptom of being an addict.

This is typical behavior of a very sick person.

The A's i have experienced who are on program and serious about life, are delightful people. I kid you not. My xa was on program for many years. We were very happy

You also described exactly, literally how a person I used to have in my life,spouse is.

We like to point out the important thing is what is going on with you, that you think you deserve to hang on to a person like this? What do you get out of it? It sure is not love.sure does not look like a happy day to day  life, plus what kind of future do you want with your partner/ life mate?

I won't accept anything less than what I want in my life. I could have stayed in a relationship that becuz of aism I got out of. It was horrible, I miss him but until he realizes what he lost or what he wants no thank you.

I fell in love with my best friend who is the KING of being codependant. He was ready and we were planning to be together, marriage and all. but his co dependancy won out.

So my friend, don't sell yourself short, there is someone out there who is very special wanting you, and will be more than happy to snuggle with you, surprise you with silly notes in your pocket, and look at you like you are her best friend and love.

what do you believe YOU deserve?hugs



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon



Veteran Member

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I don't have any insight on traits typical to recovery but i was just going to add.....Maybe she was in a relationship with someone who told her what to do all the time, or maybe she comes from an abusive past, so now she does what she wants when she wants to do it. maybe coffee was her crutch when she was in recovery and now she is clinging to it like an old teddy bear. sounds to me like she is scared just like the rest of us, and she is doing the best she can like everyone else. theres a lot better advice above but i say give her time and space, if you feel her pulling away instead of coming at her with more attention give her space. she sounds like a mouse that will scare easily and jump and run away if she feels you coming too close. anyways that's just what came to mind .....sounds like you really like her good luck with it matters of the heart are never easy :)

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~*Service Worker*~

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All I use to do was date...and marry...addicted women until that is when I found the Al-Anon Family Groups.  When I found the Family Groups I didn't know about alcoholism and/or drug addiction and I didn't know that I didn't know so if I had not found the doors to the program I was doomed to the insanity and death which are the final stages of unrecovered fatal diseases.  I am not kidding or making lite of the subject.  Insanity is and can be often fatal.  Mental and emotional distress often reach a level that some people often never experience.  What you describe in her did after I got into the program help me to decide "No" I don't want or need any of this.  I made it done and have kept it done in the program for which I am very very grateful.  The disease has already caused you to feel "less than" and since it is a progressive disease it will and has continued on until there is nothing more of you if you let it.   Al-Anon meetings...lots of them.  Try 90 meetings in 90 days if your area has as many.   Mine did and I got 102 in 90 days for myself.   How big was the disease in the area I got into program in....439 meetings a month combined AA and Al-Anon in a tri-county area.  This is not just a rash...this is alcoholism and other addictions; progressive is natural ending with insanity and/or death.     In support...((((hugs)))) smile



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~*Service Worker*~

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As an aside - At 6 year sober, I still drink too much coffee. Yes - that is fairly common for recovering alcoholics to drink tons of coffee. I hate cleaning and got used to living in my filth and it does not bother me as much as others, but it's slowly evolving. I do clean now and value it, but I hate it. When I can afford a housekeeper, I will opt for that every time. I started going to the gym and that helped me get more energy. I have depression that I was self medicating with alcohol and so you take the alcohol away and then I had to learn coping skills. The result was a person with low self esteem, that acted fatigued all day, drank coffee to try and get energy and a mood lift....Also, I didn't want to go to doctors because I literally had not been to the doctor or dentist in 10 years and was scared to hear the damage from medical neglect and drinking....so I just didn't go.

Most of these things were issues that I really started facing just at about 3 years. I recognized my behaviors were not normal and saying "I just don't care about cleaning" or "I don't go to the dentist because I'm scared" were remnants of sickness and I didn't want my ass kicked by my disease forever so....



-- Edited by pinkchip on Wednesday 22nd of October 2014 07:31:11 AM

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