To say I have had a lot going on this weekend is an understatement .. LOL .. it's all good, I slapped a band aide on it and hopefully I can set it to heal sooner than later.  I will really have to watch myself and figure out my own discipline of works and doesn't .. I'm definitely a toddler when it comes to being a grown up in some ways. 

I'm surprised that it's started again with the XAH already .. LOL .. can I just say I LOVE saying that?  After the last 7 years of hell the kids and I have lived through I was thinking about something sharing some ESH and it brought back some SERIOUS memories .. sights, sounds, smells .. that kind of thing.  The on going level of chaos that has reigned in my life it feels SOOOO good to know .. yes, I'm dealing with more of my own doing and THAT is another issue I will have to address .. the drama factor .. for the moment it's ALL MINE .. whatever he does or doesn't do .. honestly .. just can't say I give a rats fuzzy behind about it all.  The last 3 years has been very, very intense is putting it mildly.  Letting go of the constant chaos is going to be very difficult.  A different kind of addiction. 

Pink brought up some valid points about me being extra critical of myself and I am .. at the same time .. I think because XAH has owned NO responsibility in anything I have owned it in everything .. so part of my character defect is taking on things that aren't my part.  I either own it ALL or I own NONE .. LOL .. I need to find that medium that eludes me. 

Now of course he wants to see the kids when HE wants to see the kids not what is on the visitation schedule.  I'm laughing (not ha ha funny .. it's ironic) because instead of accepting that the kids don't want to see him for more than a few hours he's trying to say he's caring for his dying mother to guilt the kids and me of course.  Now .. in all fairness the woman has been dying since I met her 17 years ago.  I mean it's really hard to take him seriously about it.  After the Father's Day fiasco .. they are really kind of over Grandma dying. 

Of course my daughter is a rock star as far as setting boundaries and knowing what is and isn't ok for her .. she was kind and thoughtful about it and just said she already had things going on and so did her brother .. all true.  NOW he wants to call her Sunday night .. to which she let him know she already had plans and it was fine if he wanted to call her however .. it would be better in terms of if he wanted to plan things for the following weekend to wait until Thursday or Friday.  I did kind of laugh to myself when she pointed out that she's got a lot of things going on and that her plans tended to change at the last min.  I'm sure he loved that considering the kids are his option when nothing is going on.  He's no longer the better offer.  There was no real conversation .. it's all weird to her and she actually said she knew she would hear from him she just didn't think it would be so soon .. she kind of figures this is his peek a boo and he will disappear again as it's his MO .. it's usually about 60 - 90 days .. he really doesn't get how predictable he is.  It will be MY fault he's not seeing the kids.  It's just not my problem at this point. 

I did get involved because he's trespassing on MY time with the kids meaning .. I don't interfere in the time he has with the kids he has NO rights to interfere in our weekends that are mine.  I sent a nice text that just clarified what my daughter had said to him and let him know if he wants to change times during my weekends he really needs to communicate that through me.  My daughter has indicated that she's not comfortable with his unpredictable behavior as she puts it.  Of course I DIDN"T say that part!!  It runs to hot and cold for her.  I did let her know .. their weekends are hers and her brother's to deal with I'm out of it EXCEPT when it comes to the car which will once again have to be addressed I'm sure.  He has no health insurance on the kids, he's suppose to be looking into gap insurance, ... they are DEF NOT getting in a car with him when I don't know who it belongs to considering his life choices and judgments .. he's an alcoholic .. his judgments are terrible.  What he chooses to plan with the kids is between them.  I did ask if I was going to receive any kind of payment on next Monday.  Of course he's going to be a jerk and say he's not looking to change times and that he doesn't know what I will get.  LOL .. oookkk .. act like a beavers behind it's his right .. I text him back and said this is about you wanting to see the kids during MY visitation time .. we all have plans and changing up schedules is not always easy or convenient, so he will need to check with me not the kids.  (we have had this conversation and he has said he'll make plans with the kids whenever he wants .. and I shut him down and just said plainly then the answer will be NO.  Apparently he doesn't remember that conversation .. that is not my problem.  He doesn't control this part of the deal honestly neither do I .. IF the kids want to see him I'm open to letting that happen .. if we are busy and they are not interested it's not happening .. that's not my issue.)  My daughter pointed out .. mom you know he's not thinking about this .. someone else is telling him he needs to see us .. I told her she's probably right.  Anyway, I also said .. I'm sure you know if you are getting money on Friday, if you get a check from U/E, his old work or his new work .. everyone knows if they are expecting money.  LOL .. I know it irritated him .. NOT my problem I have a right to know how I need to budget .. he was vague .. which is fine .. at least I know .. although I'm not holding my breath right now.  I'm just amazed that he's going to continue to be a jerk about it all .. it's not surprising in the least. 

This is a VERY busy week for us all .. I've got one starting basketball, one singing and playing a music concert this week AND there are report cards .. WOOT WOOT .. there better be some good grades coming.  Daughter has been spending a LOT of time at her boyfriends house and she knows the rules .. grades go down .. time with the boyfriend will be nipped until the grades come up.  She's responsible for the time she spends there and getting quality work done for school.  I love his parents they are extremely supportive and just really good people.  So we have a really good communication and support for both of the kids.  We all have counseling sessions .. I'm going to have to cancel mine.  Booo .. lol .. not enough time in the day.  I'm hoping to hear from my atty to finalize everything sooner than later.  It's verbally finalized so it's a matter of signing paperwork. 

We've got to make the pumpkin patch .. I hope next Saturday or Sunday .. the kids are looking forward to it.  It's just been so wet and crazy there has been no time!!  Did I mention I'm sick??  UGH .. sooo NOT fun especially considering .. I miss work .. I don't get paid and there are a LOT of holidays coming up shortly!!  So it's a little hectic is putting it mildly!!  Next weekend the kids have a party to go to and I get to go because one of my closest friends just moved into her new house .. I can't wait to see it!!  She's beyond awesome!! 

Anyway .. big things coming and it's no wonder I'm run down considering how much stress has left my life I'm sure my mind is in let down and being able to just able to relax!!

Hugs, S :)