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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Controlling him by not drinking myself
Post Info TOPIC: Controlling him by not drinking myself
gingerfizz


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Controlling him by not drinking myself
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Prior to learning the precious wisdom of AlAnon, my AH had a very very bad drinking "event" shall we say, and myself and his father were present and an agreement was made that if AH stopped drinking we would too, to support AH.  I NOW KNOW this was wrong, and it was an attempt to control and manage AH's drinking, which is out of my control.   Anyhow, I did not drink for the past 1 year and about 2 months in support of AH.  AH is dry (as far as I know, and I have no reason to doubt, as his behavior has improved tenfold) but has never attended AA, so he doesn't have any understanding of program, attempts to control, powerlessness, etc.   

So, anyhow.  I am not an alcoholic.  After a drink or two a switch in me says "That's enough."  I don't like the feeling of drinking too much, and I stop.  Yeah, I drank more when I was younger and back when A and I got together.  I grew out of it.  I started to not like the feeling of feeling of being drunk and I intuitively stop when I feel any feeling like that comes on.   

Now, I feel I have placed myself in a weird trap.  I think I should (and would like to) be able to have a glass of wine out with a friend or whatever (not in front of AH of course, or in the house, I think that would be unsupportive and kind of mean).  I also recognize that if you ask my why I do not have a glass of wine out with a friend, my answer is this:   "If I drink, AH will feel like that gives him permission to drink / open the door for AH to think he can/will start drinking again. He will say he will just have one, blah, blah, blah, and then it will ramp up and get bad again like it always does."  To me this answer screams that I am trying to control his behavior.

I now know I should not have tried to manage his behavior initially by changing my own.  But now I feel stuck in my decision.   

Options are:

1.  Remain abstinent myself - this is not really what I want, and also it is an attempt to control AH.  However the AlAnon part of me says to me, "what, you can't live without drinking?  You should be able to.  If you can't live without drinking then maybe YOU have a problem."  I can live totally fine without drinking.  And I have been.  But I don't NEED to?  Then I feel like maybe I'm using insane A logic MYSELF to make excuses to drink???  OMG.  Crazymaking.  

2.  Tell AH that in the future I may have a drink with friends- I feel like I would have to tell him, and that to not tell him would be lying by omission.  Risk the fact that AH's behavior is out of my control and whatever happens happens.  Also, in telling AH I would maybe try to explain how I have been backhandedly been trying to control his behavior and that it is not mine to control.  

I know this is a sensitive subject, that there are no AlAnon "rules" about it, and that it is my personal decision.  Sometimes just writing it out helps sort it in the brain a bit.  Thanks for reading.  ESH if you wish. 

 



-- Edited by gingerfizz on Sunday 19th of October 2014 01:16:07 PM

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Debilyn


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since you made an agreement, it would be prudent to let him know. "I have learned some things and have decided I may have a drink or so with friends now." no argument. you are an adult.

His program is his own. Yours is yours.HUGS



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gingerfizz


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Debilyn, thanks for your perspective. When I read your answer I agreed with it, and at the same time a voice inside of me said, "BUT THEN HOW WILL I KEEP HIM FROM DRINKING??!!!" This is all about control and me letting go of it.

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pinkchip


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Why not just have a conversation with him about it and be gut honest? If he thinks you can't drink or he will, well...that shows you how weak his sobriety is. If you get sick or if the crap hits the fan, he would drink anyhow if it's that dependent on you. My husband has been good about talking and us discussing what amount of drinking I can stand to be around with concern to him and others. For me, him having a couple drinks is nothing. Hanging around a party with people having several drinks is OK eve. I can't stand being around really drunk people and if my husband was drunk, that would irk me but not make me drink. I have program though and your A does not...

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hotrod


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Hi Ginger,Accepting the fact that I was powerless over alcohol and that no matter what I did, I  could not ultimately control my husband's disease  helped me to realize that my choices were mine to  make regardless of what he did.

When my husband entered AA, I decided to stop drinking in order to not be a source of temptation to him in our home or when we went out. In a very short time I discovered that I found no joy in alcohol , that I hated being around drunks. Their conversations were boring and stilted and I had absolutely no problem in  not drinking just to be like them. 


My husband has been dead for over 30 years and I still have not found it necessary to drink nor have I missed it. I actually feel I have saved a great deal of money and am then able to enjoy some wonderful travels because I am not wasting my money on booze or cigarettes.

It is an individual decision so take what you  like and leave the rest. 



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grateful2be


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Being honest with him about your decision and recognizing you are powerless over his choices are both good choices to make. I would, however, change my mind if my husband said: "When you drink, I get shaky," or something on that order. I don't need a drink with friends more than I need to hear my husband's honest assessment of where he is in his recovery and heed it.

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PP


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What is important is that you are not feeling like you are being held hostage to an agreement you made based on false beliefs ( that you could influence whether or not he drank).  For you to be free and in integrity, an honest conversation needs to occur without any expectations of what the outcome should be. I rarely drank before my husband went into recovery, however, if I did, I would not have in his presence while in his early years of recovery.  It would have seemed cruel.  Now, I would feel comfortable, but I still don't just because I don't want to.  You will do the right thingwink



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Paula
gingerfizz


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pinkchip wrote:

Why not just have a conversation with him about it and be gut honest? If he thinks you can't drink or he will, well...that shows you how weak his sobriety is. If you get sick or if the crap hits the fan, he would drink anyhow if it's that dependent on you. My husband has been good about talking and us discussing what amount of drinking I can stand to be around with concern to him and others. For me, him having a couple drinks is nothing. Hanging around a party with people having several drinks is OK eve. I can't stand being around really drunk people and if my husband was drunk, that would irk me but not make me drink. I have program though and your A does not...

You're right, it would show me how weak his sobriety is.  I wouldn't even call it sobriety.  I would say he is dry.  And I fear it is quite weak.  No program, just an empty hole where alcohol used to be that is filed with candy, not coping skills and program tools and HP!  

If I am honest with myself I am even avoiding the conversation at all because in my controlling brain I don't want to rock the boat. I fear if I bring things up, or he does start drinking again, or he also brings up relationship concerns (still a lack of intimacy due to years of hurt and distrust, which is blamed totally on me) then things will begin to disintegrate.  There's more to the story there than just this drinking issue I guess.  If this marriage doesn't work out I don't want to deal with it blowing up until I am in a more prepared/secure place.  And I guess I am avoiding poking a bear before I am really in a good place to support myself if needed.  



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gingerfizz


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hotrod wrote:

Hi Ginger,Accepting the fact that I was powerless over alcohol and that no matter what I did, I  could not ultimately control my husband's disease  helped me to realize that my choices were mine to  make regardless of what he did.

When my husband entered AA, I decided to stop drinking in order to not be a source of temptation to him in our home or when we went out. In a very short time I discovered that I found no joy in alcohol , that I hated being around drunks. Their conversations were boring and stilted and I had absolutely no problem in  not drinking just to be like them. 


My husband has been dead for over 30 years and I still have not found it necessary to drink nor have I missed it. I actually feel I have saved a great deal of money and am then able to enjoy some wonderful travels because I am not wasting my money on booze or cigarettes.

It is an individual decision so take what you  like and leave the rest. 

Thanks for your ESH Hotrod.  I indeed have saved a ton of money not drinking!  :)   You are right it is certainly not necessary, and it really has basically all cons and not much at all in the column of pros.  And there is a part of me, being that I am pretty health-conscious and vegan, could potentially on my own decide not to drink!  I don't even drink caffeine!  But right now that is all mucked up with this "agreement" I made and it doesn't feel like a decision I made for me.  Also, even as a healthy person, I try to be balanced in all things, and even if I decided that as a part of my health and lifestyle not to drink regularly, a glass of wine on a holiday or a champagne toast at a wedding I might not hold myself back from.  



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gingerfizz


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grateful2be wrote:

Being honest with him about your decision and recognizing you are powerless over his choices are both good choices to make. I would, however, change my mind if my husband said: "When you drink, I get shaky," or something on that order. I don't need a drink with friends more than I need to hear my husband's honest assessment of where he is in his recovery and heed it.

It is so interesting to feel my gut reaction and thoughts to the things you guys say!  Shows me where my motives are. When you said this I felt like, I would want to do that too, if my AH said that knowing I was drinking out with friends was making him shaky.  But also, I felt resentful because he has not even bothered to do any work on himself or have a program.  If he was going to AA meetings, really TRYING, I think I would feel more as you feel.  But because he has no program to help him have strength it seems as though it makes me feel pressured to be more responsible to "protect" his fragile dry state.  Like, he hasn't done the work, why should I go out of my way?!  I see I am not on my side of the street here!



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gingerfizz


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PP wrote:

What is important is that you are not feeling like you are being held hostage to an agreement you made based on false beliefs ( that you could influence whether or not he drank).  For you to be free and in integrity, an honest conversation needs to occur without any expectations of what the outcome should be. I rarely drank before my husband went into recovery, however, if I did, I would not have in his presence while in his early years of recovery.  It would have seemed cruel.  Now, I would feel comfortable, but I still don't just because I don't want to.  You will do the right thingwink

Thanks PP.  I think that's what it is - it feels hostage, not a choice, and not a choice I would make today knowing what I know.  Almost like this choice based on false beliefs needs to be corrected to rebalance things.    



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PP


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I love your insights, Gingerfizz and your graciousness with our responses...



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Paula
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I had the same feelings and issues, too. I am not a big drinker AT ALL, but I enjoy a glass of wine with friends or for special occasions. I don't keep alcohol around the house but I did tell my AH, after he screamed at me about whether I still drink or not, that I do have a glass here and there when out to dinner with friends. His response was, "So, YOU drink and drive, too, right?" Our argument was about his continued binge drinking after his DUI. So, that put me into defensive mode and I wanted to lash out. Instead I just said, "Yes", and I left the room.

Anyway, I did not handle that well at all. Soooo, Pink's advice to be blunt honest about it is best, LOL! Honestly, I could take it or leave it when it comes to the wine, but I want to be able to make that choice for myself, not out of capitulating to someone else's rantings and ravings, etc. I think that's where your hostage issue comes up and that's where honesty can be your best friend. You are an adult and are allowed to make your own choices, but on the flip side, you have to remember that so is your AH. Nothing you do or don't do can control that fact!

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