New here....where to start? - Al-Anon Family Group

BS4MR · Newbie

New here....where to start?

Fairlee · Senior Member

You found a great place here! Lots of great advice and support :) so glad you are here, I'm sorry about the circumstances, however.

I don't feel like I am someone to be giving advice because I have just recently joined this board, but know that you are not alone in this struggle.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello. Welcome to MIP. The next step you can take would be to an Al-anon meeting for friends and families of problem drinkers. We don't recommend making any major changes for at least 6 months after entering the program except in the case of abuse. There is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic. Its just that some people in their lives help pick up the slack for the alcoholic that helps the alcoholic to continue doing what he or she has always done. Al-Anon will help you learn more about this disease that you didn't cause, can't control and can't cure. There you will find help and hope if you keep an open mind. Others have gone through the same things you are experiencing and have learned to live happy, productive lives even if their loved one continues to drink. Please come back here, too. We understand.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP Please search out alanon face to face meetings in your community and attend, Connecting with others who truly understand and developing new constructive tools to live by is very important at this time
You are not alone and there is hope and help.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP, a fellowship of people that knows how alcoholism affects lives. As Grateful suggested, find your nearest al anon meeting and begin integrating the 12 steps into your life. Al anon is for you and your well being. There is nothing you can do about your husbands drinking...you can, however, find peace whether he drinks or not. Read the many posts that are available here and check out the online meetings, too. Keep coming back!

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP and hope you stick around and come back often. The suggestions you have been given work. They worked for me when I first came looking for help. I will add that getting Conference Approved Literature (and there is lots of it) from within the meetings is really helpful. I want to repeat what has already been said in "there is no such thing as a functioning alcoholic" after a while if the disease isn't arrest by total abstinence everything goes away maybe even lives as alcoholism is a fatal disease. Tell us more about yourself when you use the time. We are family (((((hugs))))) smile

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi and welcome. Believe me, sadly this is the way it goes. Marriage to an A usually has this same pattern. There is no functioning addict. What is going on is he is getting worse, which is what happens when one saturates their body with alcohol. Over time as their bodies break down, they lose the ability to function. Now drunk in front of kids, behavior get worse. His brain is being destroyed slowly. He is drinking poison. Poison to him because he is an alcoholic.

He will lose his job, get a dui or two or nine. Crash the car, not work anymore and on and on. It cannot get better.

If he gets to where he can go to rehab, AA, get into a recovery program where he keeps his life on a path, lives his recovery great!But remember relapse is part of recovery. Just is, and he will be right back where he was when he began his program.

This is the life of an A.

For you there are meetings, books, come here, get a sponser, chat room here. You learn how to live with them or without them.

He cannot just quit. That is the disease. He has to be ready, even if he says he wants to stop, he may not be ready to. He is not lying. But the disease is very complicated. Of course he is going to drink, he is an alcoholic. punishing, ultimatums, griping, talking about it is not going to help. Number one it is all up to them. It is not curable. We need to take care of us, stop watching him and what he does, we cannot change them in any way. It's a waste of time to say anything about it.

Myself i refused to have my kids around it. I left. Many of us do.Some do their best and stay.

keep coming. we are here for you, debilyn

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

((((Hugs))))) and welcome to MIP,

I'm so sorry that you and your husband and your children are having to go through this difficult time.

I can honestly say that Alanon has been the best place for me. I have learnt that whatever I say to AH will not matter while he is drinking. I can not change his behaviour, he has to choose that for himself. Logic doesn't really come into it. Learning to do what is best for my own health and sanity has been the most helpful thing for me I think, and it turned out to be helpful for both of us as well.

Unfortunately alcohol has been no respecter of boundaries or for the people whose lives have been affected by AH's drinking. I did not know it at the time but when I was trying to roll with the emotional punches I was simply storing up bad memories that have since insidiously undermined my trust and my love for my husband. It is hard work getting that back now that he has stopped drinking.

I found it helpful to take alcohol out of the equation when I was deciding what to do next (after having spent years exploring every other avenue that I could think of!). I came to realise that I normally expect people to treat me with reasonably good manners, and finally I realised that it was ok, possibly helpful, to expect the same level of behaviour from AH (it took him a while to realise this btw - bumpy time!). I found it better when I stopped telling AH how to behave and I focused on my own behaviour (eg. I ignore or remove myself from rude behaviour; I don't share my bed with smelly people

) Remarkably AH started to take more responsibility for his own behaviour (and I felt much better about myself - less guilt and more self respect).

I do not have children, but I imagine that you are feeling particularly protective for your children. It speaks volumes that you are having to think that way - so sad, but important.

I remember the first time that I reached out for help as I tried to understand what to do next. My first letter was short and clear, a bit like yours. There was so much that I left unsaid. The people here and in Alanon understand all that is so difficult to express in ways that others can not. It is all so counter intuitive and I really could not have coped on my own. Welcome to our family - whatever you are facing, you don't have to it alone.

neshema2 · ~*Service Worker*~

PP wrote:
Welcome to MIP, a fellowship of people that knows how alcoholism affects lives. As Grateful suggested, find your nearest al anon meeting and begin integrating the 12 steps into your life. Al anon is for you and your well being. There is nothing you can do about your husbands drinking...you can, however, find peace whether he drinks or not. Read the many posts that are available here and check out the online meetings, too. Keep coming back!

Hi, I can't add much to the good replies you got...when i first started, i poured over the posts, asked others "how to get going in my re-claiming me" and i began w/the meets...mostly on line, and the folks on the boards and n the meets helped me learn what good books to get on the 12 steps, and other great ones like courage to change, hope for today, and there are more.....and just hanging out on boards and posting, reading others posts, I looked at the folks who seemed to be thriving in all this and i kinda copied their ways, i figure "hang with the winners" and i'll not be led astray...what were the serene people in alanon doing?? what was their secret to living free in a world of chaos??? and i ASKED them...I craved what they had and found out how ya do this thing called alanon which has been my saving grace.........you will find much help and support here....I am glad you showed up and began, this is a big step, just accepting you need help and reaching out.....glad to see you here....there is hope in alanon.....I know...I found a bunch of it.....sending you SUPPORT

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.