The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I need to stop thinking of myself as a helpless passenger and remember, my choices brought me here. The journey isn't done and we're kind of in the woods now but that's OK, I'm still in motion.
I chose not to continue being a victim or a life support system to A's disease. I chose not to keep sleeping with someone who hurts me, or trying to sooth and patch up the relationship. I chose not to pay his share of the rent, I chose not to try to work things out with him, I chose not to desperately try to find a way for us to stay together, I chose not to go and live with him at his mothers or his brothers or find him a place to live near me so we could keep seeing each other, I chose to decline his offer to "get a job and a new place together if I start sleeping with him again" or...well, there were a million things I could have done to keep our horrible dysfunction alive and kicking but I chose to let it end. I prayed for change, and for strength, and a new beginning and here it is, all unfolding. I made all of those choices for a reason, a very, very good reason. It hurts, it's sad, and he's been hanging around here under the guise of "helping" (which means eating my food, making a mess and moaning about how he "doesn't want to have to sponge off his brother"and he "doesn't know what he's going to do, he isn't comfortable at his brothers house"...very helpful, you don't have to sponge off anyone, how about getting a job????) and my instinct is to rescue and feel needed, tell him if he gets a job and does x,y and z we can try again...but I'm choosing not to because it's a dangerous illusion that always crumbles into dust and leaves me hurt and miserable. So I'm standing strong.
Onwards and upwards.
I had a good thought today. I dropped my daughter and her friend at the free carnival that was being held in our park (yep, free rides, even free sausages, I didn't even have to make them dinner, I love this town) and took my dog to walk on the dog-beach, there were maybe 30 other dogs playing on the beach and people to chat to every 10 steps and I thought...I do love this. And I have to leave it for a little while but it's positive, because I can see now how much I DO love these things, my town, my lifestyle, studying, making stuff to sell at market, I LOVE these parts of my life. Now, it's time to get these things in my own right without having them be contingent on A. I have to go through this process and get myself into a situation where I am truly not dependent on anyone and it is not constantly threatened...and that will be a wonderful, wonderful thing. It's not all ending, it's just changing and I have an opportunity to reclaim my life without bending to someone else's terms. It's all good, I am getting exactly what I have asked for really although it has been a bit brutal.
I might have posted this before but it's how I feel today.
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
What a great post you just brought us. I pray for you both that something will come your way and what is happening now will be a distance memory down the road. Just keep coming back and continue to get the strength you need to keep moving forward.
((( hugs )))
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Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth
Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.
Thanks Cathy! You're so cute in your blanket. I hope your foot is healing up and you're feeling better!
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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)
((((((((((((((((((Melly))))))))))))))) I am speachless at the wisdom and grace you show while you dodge bullets and keep finding daisies in the midst of it all.......I don't know what to say but WOW!!!! I loved this post.....Please don't ever go away from this group....You are such an inspiration....I am so happy for you and all the now NEW beginnings you can enjoy and its lovely to see you seeing the positives in all this.....Hang strong, my friend...I do believe the worst is behind you......
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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!!
I am strong in the broken places. ~ Unknown
All changes, even the most longed for, have their melancholy; for what we leave behind us is a part of ourselves; we must die to one life before we can enter another! ~ Anatole France
I loved reading your post tonight. Even if your life is changing drastically, you are looking at the bright side of things. you ARE in charge of your life Melly! Way to go!
I love the picture Melly and the read and got another metaphor of my own..."When you abandon ship take the life preserver that has air in it". Good Job. ((((hugs))))
Yay!!!! I've just danced a jig around my kitchen after reading your post - ok, its sunny here but what the heck, I'll dance whatever the weather! Love your wisdom Melly, thank you. ((((Hugs))))
Trust the PROCESS and HP Ms. M.
I have been in your shoes after my hubby passed years ago and after a few difficult years, oh my,how life changed for the better. I am still enjoying the parts I loved in my early years and have added many more good and productive activities to the mix. Keep on showing up .
Aww, thanks for the share!!! I feel the same way. I know that when I decide to leave my AH, my life will be completely different and I have to trust my HP to provide for me and to care for me because there is so much unknown in my future. It's scary, I know you're scared too. Life is meant to be lived, Mel, and we need to live it to the fullest! Hang in there! HUGS!!!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
