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Post Info TOPIC: I relasped last night.


~*Service Worker*~

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I relasped last night.


I feel like an absolute failure this morning. I feel like I flushed everything I have learn in Al-Anon down the toilet last night. My ah drank yesterday. He came home and went to bed. No arguments, no anything. Nothing unusual. I knew I needed to get away from the house for a while, so my mom and I went shopping for about an hour. I came home and watched some tv, husband was still sleeping. The house was quiet. I could feel anger building in me, so I got up and cleaned the kitchen. I began slamming pots and pans, and I was aware of what I was doing the whole time I was doing it, but I could not get a grip on my temper. To make a long story short, I went back to the bed room, slammed the door hard enough that windows rattled. Husband got up, and I started provoking him, but he ignored me.

What is WRONG with me?? Is this behavior truly an addiction for me?? This morning I began working on the anger section of my step 4 work book. I just feel like such a failure right now. I'm second guessing myself on everything. Will I ever get it??  I'm aware that I have powerful control issues.

Thanks, and I appreciate all the ESH I can get this morning.



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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



~*Service Worker*~

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Hugs CS.
I liked today's Courage to Change reading. It talks about how when stuff like this happens we can sometimes feel like we've forgotten everything we thought we knew, but we haven't, even if the feelings feel the same, we are different.. that even by reaching out to an al-anon friend we are doing it differently (and that's just what you are doing). I'm not good at paraphrasing, maybe someone else can say it better, lol.
At the end it says "the human mind always makes progress, but it is progress in spirals". I liked that.

I find I still have moments of reacting, just like this, but the more I practice the more quickly I recognise them, and find my way into better ways of thinking. My "relapses" seem to get shorter and shorter.
Anyway beating yourself up wont help. You've recognised that you don't like the way you reacted, now what can you do to accept your feelings and do right by yourself? Progress, not perfection, remember


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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Did you relapse or have you reached your limit of living with this disease? For me, that type of anger is insight into me needing to make major changes for myself. I might not slam doors and pots and pans, but the intensity I feel might be the same?

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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CS Thanks for your honesty Remember this is a difficult road we walk and changing patterns not easy. We are human and having lived so long with this disease we become irritable and unreasonable without knowing it That is what program is all about and what the tools we are given address . Progress not perfection is the motto and being gentle with ourselves when we revert to old behavior is necessary. You used the 3As just now You were honest about the situation awareness you accepted that you could have responded differently and the action your tool was to share about it Now let it go and forgive yourself

You also did a 10th Step and admitted it Good work my friend ,

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks so much meliss, grateful and HR. I was thinking of our school motto last night, "failure is not an option," and all I could see was failure in myself>>something very hard for me to accept. But to quote myself from another post, "failure is ok if we learn from it." This failure just reminds me of how new I am to the program and how much work I still have to do.

Grateful, I thought about my limits last night. I have mixed feelings this morning. I'm just feeling very confused with my own behavior right now. I definitely did not work my program last night.

HR, I think I have punished myself enough for this. So, I'm doing my gratitude list this morning.

meliss, I love it>>Progress not perfections. smile

Thanks so much.

It works IF you work it.

 

 



__________________

Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



~*Service Worker*~

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I think you posted recently that you were going to buy The Language of Letting Go as a supplement to your other Al-Anon readers? There are some good pages on anger if you're interested. Anger isn't a bad thing and it doesn't indicate we have an addiction if we feel it. Nor does it mean we've done something wrong or need to make amends because we've felt it. What we do with anger can be a problem but noticing that we feel it and looking for what we can do to make changes that are healthy for us is a good thing. I had swallowed anger for years. Didn't even know I felt it and learning that feeling angry because I had been mistreated and was still being mistreated was a very good thing. Anger is a tool and can be used for growth. It isn't a sin. It isn't unhealthy to feel it or to acknowledge it. It isn't a problem. It is a feeling that can be felt, expressed and used to make changes we need to make to improve our quality of life.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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I love that book i carry it with me when i am working. It calms me down,
So much self loving wisdom in it.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I have order that book Grateful and Codependency by the same author. I have been reading in Paths to Recovery, Al-Anon's Steps, Traditions, and Concepts. This is helping.

I know anger is an emotion that we all have at some time in our lives, and I understand that how we act on that emotion is important. While working step 4, I am seeing that there are things that have happened in my life as a child that are still manifesting themselves in my behavior today. These are issues that I am going to have to work through slowly. But you know what, it's OK, because I've got the rest of my life to work at it.

You all have been such a help to me.

It works if you work it. smile



__________________

Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



~*Service Worker*~

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(((CS))) I'm glad you are able to uncover some childhood stuff and also have supports in your life to help you see some of it and set yourself free.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig

PP


~*Service Worker*~

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It does not sound like a relapse, it just sounds like you are one pissed off woman and who wouldn't be?  Anger is my friend, it alerts me that I have been not been mindful of my feelings, my value and my boundaries.  I feel sort of good when I slam things around and yell..it is a welcomed release.  As long as I don't do or say anything hurtful, I am ok with it.  With each new day we get a do oversmile



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Paula



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You are not a failure, just human. I think it takes a long time to learn new behaviors to replace old, destructive ones. It is so frustrating when you are trying so hard to do better but the other person doesn't care...they are so selfish! Cut yourself some slack and start anew :) for you.

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~*Service Worker*~

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When I was going through divorce, it was recommended that I do something active with my anger. I found multiple outlets for it and that helped me tremendously. Now, I can pretty much say "I'm feeling angry" or "I felt angry" or "I'm ticked" and why I'm feeling that way. I don't expect that the other person will change and I don't always express it with the person who triggered it (and isn't responsible for it), but I do look at the reasons for it and change what I can. We aren't human doings. We're human beings. As a Christian, I know even Jesus got mad enough to turn tables over and then he went out and healed a blind man. I don't think the go to handle on anger should be throwing things or slamming doors or up in the face confrontations. But, I do think that sometimes it is healthier to do what Paula suggests than it is to "put a lid on it" and try to squash it. I'm not saying you're doing that, CS, but I do think that hidden and repressed anger is one of the issues we struggle with in families affected by alcoholism. In my FOO, only my parents could express it. The rest of us couldn't do that. And nobody ever took responsibility for their own anger either because nobody knew they felt it and if they did other people got blamed for it. Nobody can make me angry and that doesn't mean I don't feel it nor does it mean its wrong to have it or to feel it. Sometimes anger covers fear and sometimes anger is a healthy sign - as Paula suggests - that there boundaries being crossed or injustices being acted out that we need to address. I've known some "never angry," "always calm and rational people" who are some of the meanest backbiters and "getting even" people I've had the misfortune of meeting. Give me a person who can say they are feeling angry and why over the calm, cool and collected spirit quenchers any day.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks PP, Fairlee and Grateful. Today has been nice for me. I'm trying to not over analyze my feelings. Working step 4 has caused me to think  deeper about my anger issues.

One day at a time, and I'm just going to keep on keeping on. smile

Thanks for the ESH.

It works if you work it.



__________________

Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



~*Service Worker*~

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I'm glad your day was better and that you are feeling better, too.



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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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cloudyskies wrote:

 

What is WRONG with me?? Is this behavior truly an addiction for me?? This morning I began working on the anger section of my step 4 work book. I just feel like such a failure right now. I'm second guessing myself on everything. Will I ever get it??  I'm aware that I have powerful control issues.

Thanks, and I appreciate all the ESH I can get this morning.


 ohhh alanoner, there is NOTHING wrong w/you..you are NOT a failure....why??? you showed up HERE and you had the guts to reach out for help here...I don't see that as a failure but a big success story....how many folks can ya imagine who are NOT getting help and staying stuck in the same ole same ole???  ..hey I have had my anger outbursts too and will till i die, probably b/c when folks do me wrong, break my boundaries, etc, yea, i am gonna get MAD...but the recovery approach is that i realize my emotions are just feelings i need to honor...let pass through me...validate them....THEN, b/c now I am driving the bus, not my emotional self, i set a limit on 'Ok we had our mad.....now...what do we do to learn...and what can i do to take care of me (step 4) ???"

 

Anger is just a sign that things are not right....an actively drinking husband, yea, been there...done that......its not like u hit him with a pick axe....yea, you were angry at his drinking ...both of mine refused help and i eventually left, but that is me...staying/leaving is a very personal choice.....and at least you had the good sense to get into step 4....failure???   NO WAY!!!  Human???  Yep...Join the group...You are so not alone..............in support, Neshema

 



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Live and let live and do it with peace and goodwill to all!!!! 



~*Service Worker*~

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Been there and done that and learned along the way some of the races and mercies that are available in the program when I want them.  Ours is a program of progress not perfection so put down the mallet and allow yourself to be human cause you really are ....human.  The opposite of anger is acceptance...you've already done the anger side try the opposite side.  Relapse is a part of the disease and in recovery we get the opportunity to grow from it.   Do not be too hard on cloudy skies...she's had her share for now.   ((((hugs)))) smile 



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~*Service Worker*~

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Look there is NO failure. We are not perfect. We learn these skills, if we blow it, we just keep going.

If there was a huge dripping sound from a faucet and you cannot fix it, so you read, watch tv, learn to cut it out. But drip drip drip you are folding cloths, drip drip drip you are doing dishes, rrrrr you are tired rrrrrrr all of a sudden I JUST CANNOT TAKE IT ANYMORE!! Does that sound so crazy? We can only take so much.

The thing is do we continue to learn to focus away from it, ignore it, go on or do we realize we do not want a life like that?

So to continue to live with that constant dripping, becuz that is what we are used to, we accept we are going to be a bit nuts but we don't like change, whatever. What would make someone put up with that? How can we live with such a constant irritation? We leave but we come back.

The disease pulls us in, to be honest its been so long for me now I don't remember. All i know is I feel sick if i think about living with him.

i got lost in him being sick, being in pain, his tinnitis drove him nuts, he had migraines. he has multiple personality disorder, he lies he steals. He needs a shower, he never does anything around here anymore and if he does he messes it up.

I am not a babysitter of an adult!I missed the man I used to be able to trust, depend on, I really put him first. We were buddies. ugh.

So I was sick, pulled in. I blew it too!Sometimes living with insanity makes ya insane!I mean really wouldn't it be insane if it did not make ya crazy?

Please go easy on you. Love you. Do your best

I am happy you hung in and you are still here!



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon



~*Service Worker*~

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Cloudy Skies - why wouldn't you be angry??? It is so sad and frustrating and a small part of me loves the fact that your force of nature rattled the windows - if you were the heroine in a movie I would be cheering you on!

I don't do anger (and if you believe that, you would be making a mistake!). But I believed it for years and years. The last time I was angry I was wearing short white socks and maryjane shoes. I am relatively tolerant and I have a calm nature, but I've also discovered that I'm an expert at stuffing my anger. Thanks to Alanon, and grudging thanks to AH, I am learning to listen to the licks of angry flames in my belly and to interpret what they mean for how I would like to live my life. Gosh, it is early days but I am finding that anger is not something to be ashamed of,and that it is usually there for a reason. My job is, I think, to find the reason. Sometimes it is displaced anger about something in the past and sometimes it is a healthy reaction to my boundaries being exploited. I like Paula's comment that anger is her friend.

I'm glad that you are feeling better today, please be gentle with yourself my friend.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks neshema, Jerry, Debilyn and milkweed for the esh. I have been doing a lot of reading today. I'm thinking about justification and asking myself was my behavior justified. Yeah, my behavior was justified. I live with an alcoholic. I see what the disease is doing to him and me and it makes me angry. I was lashing out at the disease. If the disease would manifest itself in physical form, I would have attacked it.  Then, I asked for help from both my HP and my Al-Anon friends. I began making amends to myself. I am understanding the difference between justification and self-righteous justification.

Today has been a beautiful day. Warm, sunny and calm. smile

Take one day at a time, and Let go and let God.

It works if you work it.



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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



Senior Member

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Yes cloudy I must admit , I have been there many times when the Alcoholic was alive and we were married.

We are fortunate that we have Alanon and its solutions.

Looking back I realize when the alcoholic was in my life , it was the greatest growth period of my life, married 26 years, separated for 7 and he died
a year ago from this disease. Which is very easy for an alcoholic to do. They can be gone in a flash. I know you know this is a fatal disease.

We get angry, but its not a unjustified anger, its a compassionate anger, because we love and care for our partners and want them to live.

Its alright, everything is as it should be... we can only change ourselves and that is our frustration, we cannot mend them.

If we make the choice to stay with them, then we must gain strength and we have all the tools and solutions.

Best to you
Bettina



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~*Service Worker*~

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I used to do this a lot. I wanted my AH to suffer the consequences of his drinking so I would act out and subtly let him know I was pissed. I knew I was getting to the end of my rope. I couldn't live with him anymore, so I moved out in March. What I am angry about now, is my AH has stopped drinking, but he has dry drunk behaviors. One thing I did before I moved out, is live as if I was alone. I did everything I needed to do without relying on him. I soon realized I might as well live alone, because I was alone even though I was living with him. Does that make sense?

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Living life one step at a time



~*Service Worker*~

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Dear CS Great way to process the anger and honest awareness . I love how you used your program tools and arrived at serenity and peace.

I was a master at self justification and found out early that this defect was a very destructive tool that I used to keep myself perfect and not responsible for any of my negative behaviors.

Al-Anon challenged me to examined my motives, let go of self-justification, judging and criticizing and then own my behavior. When I did this I discovered what I did that hurt me and others and was then able to develop new constructive tools to live by.

You are growing daily in your program and I salute you .

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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smile

It works if you work it.



__________________

Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



~*Service Worker*~

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If you think you have relapsed you at least can be grateful to know when you have and can carry on and reinforce your commitment to change. I can say I have relapsed to many times I don't deserve Al-anon but what is good about this program we can keep coming back because we will never be alone and there is ALWAYS help out there if we want it.

You have done good today coming here for help to understand, let it out and then let it go.

((( hugs )))




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 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 


Senior Member

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My husband came home last night after drinking.  I, like you, usually don't provoke the situation and get out of the house or detach.  But last night, I screamed, hollered, yelled and swore at him.  I usually "suck it up" but last night my anger told me that my emotions needed to spew out like a volcano ready to pop!  Remember we are emotional beings.  We can try but we are not always perfect and living with alcoholism is horrible.  The relapses can strike at a time when you are a challenged in another area of your life and it just becomes overload.  Read your steps and other Al-Anon literature - I find it calming. Do as much as you can to make yourself happy and detach, detach, detach.  It is a difficult thing but it keeps your sanity.

All the best to you.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you wifeofanalcoholic and Cathy. Cathy, I like that slogan>>Let it out and let it go!

 



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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-

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