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Post Info TOPIC: grief and helplessness


Member

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Posts: 5
Date:
grief and helplessness


My husband has been through rehab twice. We married a year later.  He has not continued with therapy or AA, despite his assurances to the contrary.  It has been a struggle this past year.  He has developed an affinity with pot, honestly just at night due to sleep, which was a precipitating factor for his alcohol use he said.  (I was not married to him when he was using before. ) I had been participating in the pot, naively, thinking it wasn't affecting him. 

I am a newbie to the addictive personality.  This Intruder has been slowly infiltrating and he is quite pissed that I want the pot gone.  The next day he told me he was leaving me. We have been in joint therapy for 3 sessions with the goal to improve communication and learn how our childhood wounds have affected us and are present in the marriage.  I have huge abandonment issues.  He continues to toy with this and says very unkind things to me.  I am exhausted and feel very alone.  The kind, committed, genuine, communicative husband I married has slipped away.  He is engaging in blame and externalization. 

We have a joint marriage counseling session tonight and he is basically refusing to participate meaningfully since it was after my recent personal counseling session that our therapist discovered he was using pot and that it is not acceptable for recovering alcoholics. 

I'm living with a person who seems schizophrenic at times. I am very frightened. Since marrying and moving out of state and changing careers, I feel I have given up everything.  Yet, my marriage to him seems to have enhanced his connections with his family and his children, from two prior marriages.

I know I need to return to Alanon.  The bright spot is that he has said he is committed to our marriage, he loves me and will do what I want. Even though he says he doesn't believe in it--but he will be present.  Guess it's something. His mother was an alcoholic.  So, he could do AA or Alanon.  Which should I ask him to attend?  He needs a sponsor. He talks to no one in a truthful way about using. I am a smart, competitive woman and feel reduced.  I am very very very scared.  For him.



__________________

Steph



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5663
Date:

You can tell him you think it would like be a good idea to go to AA, but it's none of your business if he goes. Honestly, it doesn't sound like you are scared for him. It sounds like you are scared for you. Focus on your Alanon program and less on what he is or is not doing.

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Member

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Posts: 5
Date:

Good advice.  Thank you.



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Steph



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 531
Date:

Hi Beo and welcome to MIP. You are among supportive friends here. Alcoholism is a progressive disease that affects not only the alcoholic, but also family and friends of the alcoholic. You cannot help your husband other than suggest he get into a recovery program. That's his decision and his business. What you can do is help yourself. Al-anon can help you focus on yourself.

Take care of you.

One of my favorite Al-anon slogans is Let go and Let God.

 



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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-

PP


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3964
Date:

Welcome to MIP!  He is not committed, just saying the words.  Words mean nothing, honest action does.  He is doing what he wants for his life and telling you he will do what you want to manipulate you.  He is looking to continue his addictions with you as a co-addict, but you can stop this trip, if you want, for you.

If you feel reduced, the way to climb out of the abyss of darkness, loneliness, confusion, fear, despair, etc is through your recovery.  From there, you can choose wisely the best course for YOU....he can choose the course for his life.  Take good care of you...we are here to listen, support and reflect back to you with honesty.



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Paula



Member

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Posts: 5
Date:

Paula: He always says do what you say, say what you do. He respects action. He needs to do the work. Thank you. You are right.

__________________

Steph

PP


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3964
Date:

We are here 24/7biggrin  hugs



__________________

Paula



Senior Member

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Posts: 159
Date:

My AH left me 2 weeks ago For another woman and to continue drinking.  I have been crying and crying.  He keeps saying things to me to keep me from crying so much.  He tells me he knows he's an alcoholic.  He is sorry for hurting me and walking away from our marriage and our life together.  He tells me he loves me.  He also said this is temporary.  I don't know what to believe.  His actions say otherwise.  He's still living with this other woman.  She has kids and he's getting involved with them too.  All I can say to you is be careful of what he says.  The drugs/alcohol is doing the talking.  I still cry on and on.  I don't believe him.  I want to with all my heart.  



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Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 430
Date:

Yes agree. Actions speak louder than words.
For years I believed in my STBX's words and waited and waited and waited for him to take action.
Until I finally decided to take action myself.

__________________

Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.



Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 5
Date:

I appreciate everyone's comments; I do.  It has been a roller coaster of emotions. He is angry, calm, removed, connected, kind, loving.  All in the course of a day at times.  I am working on detachment, as I know I should.  Today has been good for that.  He indicated he would be going to AA and getting a sponsor.  He is a bit angry about that because, as he believes he's been sober (no alcohol) for almost 3 years, that is addiction has no impact on our marriage.  I am reading a book on addictive thinking, as I am clearly codependent and a bit of an addict, in that regard. 

 

I am calm now--eerily calm, wooden.  And that's ok for now.  I am joining a gym tomorrow to work on strength training. Have to take care of myself, as everyone says.

Thank you for listening. Hugs to you all.

 



__________________

Steph

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