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Been a while since I've posted or been on here ... life still plodding along but I seem to have had a bit of clarity of thought. The relationship in my mind has changed a bit. I used to say to myself that I still love the person, hate the disease etc etc
... I'm not so sure now. I've been feeling resentful, not caring about the A in my life, my partner. She drinks every day, after work, the 'secret' upstairs bedroom drinking. Now my feelings are ... that I just don't care about you, the feelings of love and closeness are slowly going, extinguishing. I don't feel emotionally or physically attracted to you, we've not had sex in months, absolutely months ... and I don't care. I'm quite depressed, the meds I'm on no doubt affect me. You're on meds but still drink.
... there's a lot of stress in our lives too. Your mum is very ill in hospital, she's probably dying, she's been in hospital for a couple of months now, with recurrent infections. She's got an antibiotic resistant infection too. The medical staff have discussed a 'Do Not Resuscitate' note...
... now after going outside to have a cigarette (why? you don't smoke , I don't either. I can't stand the smell of cigarettes) you've slipped on the decking and looks like you've fractured your lower arm/wrist. Now you're in A+E with your brother - as I'm at home with the kids.
Sorry to hear abiut this. I remember getting some frantic phone calls from my AW abiut falling doen steps. This was before I realized she was A, it was 10 in the morning, and alcohol didn't seem like a force in her life. But it already was, I just didn't know it yet.
You sound very isolated. Have you been going to meetings? If not I hooe you can soon.
I'd like to hear your response to Kenny's meeting question and then I also have to hold you up to the filter of the Serenity Prayer. Prayer is the best courage I have with you and so the Serenity Prayer from Hilo is in the UK. I know from experience that face to face meetings supply miles upon miles and tons upon tons of love and ESH. It was and is within the Al-Anon Fellowship...meetings, literature, steps, traditions, sponsorship and first of all a Power Greater than myself, that I got my life back. ((((hugs))))
Hi
thanks for the replies, I've not been to f2f meetings for a while, work is busy as hell, there's the kids to make sure are ok and i make sure I get out at least one night per week to get to an exercise class - that's very important to me to keep my mental and physical health up. To have that 'me time'.
There is a lunchtime meeting not far from my work on a Friday which I'll try to get to though.
My partner is back in hospital this morning to get the fracture reset. She'll be in plaster for 6 weeks, can't drive, so it will be interesting to see how things go on the buying alcohol thing. ...
*says the serenity prayer*
We do have on-line meetings twice a day which could help supplement your face to face meeting? The information about the meetings and the step work board is at the top of this board if you're interested. 6 weeks with an alcoholic in a cast could be an experience that might feel like surgery without anesthesia to you? The meetings would certainly be a welcome respite from what might be the most difficult 6 weeks you've ever experienced before now?
Yeah, good idea about the online meetings, I'm in the UK so will have to take into account the time differences.
Her lower arm will be in a cast so still mobile - she's going to have to still go into work (maybe take a short bit of time off in the next week or so, suppose depends what GP says - we've got a stupid sickness policy at work; if you have a certain number of periods of sickness (no matter how long, so 1 day counts the same as 1 week or 1 month), then you ave various stupid HR policies brought into place. Oh and we both work for the NHS, oh the irony).
I don't plan on being at home to look after her - I've got enough on my plate at work! Anyway, as they say in al-anon,this is part of the detachment process.
As she slipped over whilst p*ssed up, it's HER responsibility and a consequence of HER actions. I will not go down the co-dependency or enabling behaviour route. That much I've learned from al-anon. Hopefully this will make her think about her behaviour (hope breeds eternal)
Yes, there is always hope and my son's been thrown out of cars, beaten up, slept outdoors, lost some teeth, and other things I don't want to share here. He still is convinced that his problem is the rest of the world and not alcoholism/drug addiction. So, the best thing I can do for me and my own issues is to stay in Al-Anon, otherwise I contribute unwittingly to his disease. I'm glad you are willing to get help for yourself whether or not your partner admits she needs help in a formal program of recovery.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 12th of October 2014 08:25:43 AM
Yes, there is always hope and my son's been thrown out of cars, beaten up, slept outdoors, lost some teeth, and other things I don't want to share here. He still is convinced that his problem is the rest of the world and not alcoholism/drug addiction. So, the best thing I can do for me and my own issues is to stay in Al-Anon, otherwise I contribute unwittingly to his disease. I'm glad you are willing to get help for yourself whether or not your partner admits she needs help in a formal program of recovery.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 12th of October 2014 08:25:43 AM
Blimey. That sounds harsh grateful2be :(
My partner has been kept in hospital overnight as she was still quite drowsy from the anaesthesia, she's had a metal plate put in as the fracture was quite bad. She's coming home later today, will be signed off work for 2 weeks, then will have to have a phased return to work. As her job involves using both hands, this will need to be taken into account, probably some sort of data entry work instead.
Then another trip to hospital to get the cast taken off after couple of weeks for another X-ray to see how the bones have set. Then 6-8 weeks in a cast.
So I'll have a gentle chat with her to see if this event has caused her to reappraise things in her life. After all, this has now affected a major part of life - she's already had some time off work in the past for stress etc and hit the 'work sickness policy limits'. Now after stumbling whilst drunk it's affected her job. She could lose her job in reality if things like this continue.
The disease is progressive and I'm glad you are going to a meeting. It affects us in ways sometimes that we don't even see. Keep coming back here, too.
The disease is progressive and I'm glad you are going to a meeting. It affects us in ways sometimes that we don't even see. Keep coming back here, too.
I went to a meeting that week. It was very refreshing. I felt 'whole' although the room is a bit small (side room in the local library) so we're all a bit close and the physical closeness was freaking me out a bit. Couple of returning people like me, a 'stock' of older people (in their 50s, 60s) who have been there and got the wardrobe of T-shirts and have a lot of wise words.
Anyway, the reading was right up my alley, it rang true for so many reasons. The thing I love about al-anon ... you can find a common thread and feel you're not alone.
I came out feeling refreshed. Not like I was losing it.
Unfortunately I feel like I'm losing it again now so will get myself off to the meeting, missed last weeks as it was youngest parents evening and had to work through lunchtime.
Anyways ... my partner, well she went a whole week sober. I didn't push anything, she just mentioned it and we talked briefly. I said that was really good and well done.
Now it's back to the same thing, she's been drinking again , even with her arm in a cast. Tonight she went out and had a cigarette outside ... why do they do this? It's totally insane.
If she fell again it would basically totally disable her arm.
Maybe she should fall and break her neck, that would solve a lot of my problems.
Today I've not been in a good place, the kids were doing my head in and I just had to go out at lunchtime and talk a walk, just needed time on my own. I feel a great pressure in my head again.
I'm glad it's half-term next week and I will be in work - my partner can look after youngest, so I can save up my annual leave for an extended time off over Christmas.
Hi Jituska
I am glad you felt refreshed after your face to face meeting. I found, in the beginning, that I had to attend a meeting a day in order to regain my sanity and maintain my peace. I hope you can find additional meetings in your community . Alcoholism is indeed a dreadful progressive disease over which we are powerless.
Why do they do it? Actually you yourself cannot do much with the answer to that question. It would help you understand a bit more and not cause them to stop doing it. Mind and mood altering chemicals are about cause and effect...the mind and mood become affected and distracted from other uncomfortable things like ...life and family and spouses and whatever. I gave up on asking that question in favor of the "where can I get help" one. Learning acceptance helped me to just realize, "she drinks and she uses" period...what am I going to do? You have the MIP family praying and trudging with you J...keep coming back. (((hugs)))
Something that helps me is listening to alanon podcasts i can use those between meetings. I think I felt my worst when I tried to out think the XAH .. still catches me just now out of sight out of mind. It's exhausting .. why do they do what they do? They are insane .. i become that way myself if i but into their insanity. It's easier to distract myself and move on from the cycle. Again he's not here ready for be to say. I have to do something to fill my own cup .. you sound exhausted and rightfully so. When I'm at that point I have to make myself take an hour a day for me .. read a book, Take a walk, Something that had nothing to do with the A. Hold tight .. do more thanx you are doing to take care of you .. it will benefit your entire family even the A. Hugs ..
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Something that helps me is listening to alanon podcasts i can use those between meetings. I think I felt my worst when I tried to out think the XAH .. still catches me just now out of sight out of mind. It's exhausting .. why do they do what they do? They are insane .. i become that way myself if i but into their insanity. It's easier to distract myself and move on from the cycle. Again he's not here ready for be to say. I have to do something to fill my own cup .. you sound exhausted and rightfully so. When I'm at that point I have to make myself take an hour a day for me .. read a book, Take a walk, Something that had nothing to do with the A. Hold tight .. do more thanx you are doing to take care of you .. it will benefit your entire family even the A. Hugs ..
Thank you.
I'm exhausted, just taking things one day at a time. One section of the day at a time - segmenting my day into work-jobs.
I'll be annoyed (but not surprised) if I get home tonight and stuff like the dishes haven't been washed. I did all the cooking yesterday, I deliberately did not do any of the washing up as my partner is off work and can do the washing up. It's only fair - I do the same. In fact, when I was at my lowest last year when I was unemployed, I was still doing all the washing up, laundry, cleaning and cooking.
If the place is a tip ... I'll just practise my serenity and not get growly. After all, if the partner wants the front room to be a tip (and a trip hazard, which considering she's got a bust arm is not a good idea) and doesn't rope youngest into helping out (she's 7 so more than capable to helping tidy up) ... I'll just do my own thing and not engage. I'll be upset, sure, but I'll not get on the merry-go-round ...
Partner had made a real effort to do the washing up and that pleased me, she'd been quite busy actually - it was dentist visit for her and youngest, which she'd nearly forgotten about with busting her arm. No fillings, woo hoo.
Unfortunately I noticed that she had been drinking later on in the evening and I just emotionally distanced and did my own thing, keeping my boundaries and not interacting with her at all. She went to bed.
I just did my own thing, even if it is a lonely thing.
This morning I couldn't be bothered talking to her and slept in a bit as I felt exhausted, got into work a bit later (but have enough flexi-time).
