New and need advice about AH and 30 days dry - Al-Anon Family Group

Helpangel · Senior Member

New and need advice about AH and 30 days dry

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Helpangel welcome to MIP . The incident you just described can be restated over and over by many of us who share our lives with he insanity of the disease of alcoholism. Even when the drinking stops the "Isms" of alcoholism are still very present. AA is the recovery program for the alcoholic and since we have lived with the disease and have developed negative coping skills as a result, alanon is the recovery program for family members. Alanon face to face meetings are held in most communities and the hot line number is in the white pages.

It is at alanon meetings that I broke the isolation caused by the disease, connected with others who really understood and was given tools to rebuild my self esteem and self worth.

You count and your health is important Please keep coming back

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

My experience of my As was and has been that they were usually always angry. Their anger is or was about them and not me. Al-Anon helps me learn how to separate my thoughts, feelings and behaviors from the thoughts, feelings and behaviors of another person. Anger usually covers up some deep hurt and/or fear. Anger also helps us feel powerful and in control to some degree. It doesn't hurt and we don't have to face our own powerlessness which is frightening at first and then freeing. Owning our fears and facing them with others who are in the Al-Anon program is a big step towards that freedom and serenity that Al-Anon promises.

andromeda · ~*Service Worker*~

Sounds quite familiar to me. Actually I could relate to just about everything you wrote: the anxiety, the manipulating conversations, the example you gave of a conversation you had, etc. All I can do is agree with what others have said here: find Al Anon and get help for you! He did say one thing right: Accept him for who he is. Al Anon teaches us about acceptance and that we truly need to learn how to accept them for who they are and then decide for ourselves if this is an acceptable situation for ourselves and/or our children.

I suggest you find a meeting in your area and try a few, if you can. Sending you love and support!

Helpangel · Senior Member

Thank you to everyone who replied. I have no daycare, can u bring a child to a meeting and is that a good environment for them? I am nervous because if my ex husband found out I was going to these meetings then he would know that my current husband is an alcoholic and try and take my daughter. I was hoping to find out if the alcoholic gets any better with time or is this who he is always going to be. Like I said it has only been 30 days sober.. Do they get better with the mood swings or is this it.. Thank everyone! Is there a deadline u give when they first get sober to know who and what they really are?

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

We do learn to accept that we are really powerless over others and if we want a deadline then we give it to ourselves because threats and arguments do not work .

I do understand We have on line meetings here and they are great

here is the link and schedule

www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Morning Meetings

Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST

Sat. - Sun at 10am EST

Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.

Night Meetings

Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time

Sunday 7PM eastern time

Each Thursday night at 9PM EST, we will be having a Step/Tradition Meeting to help new people get to know and understand how to work the 12 steps.
After going through one Step per week, and getting through the 12 of them, we then start a Tradition a week on this same night.

Group Business Meetings are held in this room on:
The FIRST Sunday of each month at 8:30PM EST, (directly following the 7pm Sunday evening meeting.) Please join us for this meeting, as this is where the group comes together to make group related decisions.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

I can relate to everything that you have described and have had many similar experiences with my AH. Like you I have tried very hard to understand what is going on, and I have wondered how long this crazy behaviour is going to last. I have also noticed that in many ways it has been harder for me to cope with AH's early sobriety than it was when he was drinking - after all when he was drinking I had most afternoons and evenings to myself because he was out for the count and disengaged.

My husband is now one year sober. He wants lots of attention and wants to feel in charge, despite the fact that his mind is still a bit unreliable. I can imagine how frustrating and infuriating it must feel for him, but it is a process that, IMHO, he needs to do for himself. AH is also having to deal with a lot of shame and low self esteem and he is having to do that sober. It is a big learning curve and it seems to make him very volatile, sensitive and even childlike from time to time.

Learning to keep my focus on my needs, my enjoyment of life, regardless of AH and what he is doing has been a turning point for me.

It is not easy! But it is worth it!!

Rather than continuing to grow old whilst waiting for AH to blossom I now try to get some fun and enjoyment into MY life everyday and I spend as little time as possible thinking about him. The good news is that learning to put myself first in this way seems to be healthier for both of us. You've had some great advice about Alanon and I know that I've learnt so much by reading peoples stories here and by meeting others who are in similar situations to us.

Take good care of yourself. Forgiving yourself. Lower your expectations of your husband (it will take the pressure off both of you) and hold on to the belief that (a) this is not your fault and (b) things can, and will, get better for you. You have arrived in a place of friendship, where people understand.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

I was blessed with an A husband who shared all he felt and knew with me.

He would call this "stark raving sober." There are many symptoms to the disease of addiction. using alcohol is one of them, as is manipulating, lieing, selfishness etc. Just not drinking can be even worse.

It's also called "white knuckling." Remember how you feel when you are horribly hungry? Multiply that by a hundred.

There is no rationalizing or analyzing an A. An A acting out is insane. He is not on a program of recovery, he has no direction or things to follow to keep him sober and working on things to help him. skills.

We also do not know how much damage they have sustained. Brain and all parts of his body. Plus they are the age they were when they started using. So he could be only 15 years old. They miss all their benchmarks in maturity, they drink away all the knowledge we get from experience.

Meetings are different call and find out if they allow kids. Some have free childcare.

The disease is progressive, it mat never get better unless they go to rehab, then AA for the 90 meetings in 90 days. Then continue working on it. Because they get to a place they can do this.

Your health problems are serious. They can go onto other things, especially your digestive system. Meetings are great. reading literature coming here, you can learn to focus away from his boloney and him, and think of what you need and want.

Building up your confidence is a huge part of our getting better. We work on our own programs. We learn not to engage with them when they are talking nonsense.

Al anon can make things soooo much better. please keep coming!

Helpangel · Senior Member

Thank you so much! I am trying to live my life but what do u do when they want to be apart of it? Do u try and include them in things? How and when do u know too? Just found a bottle under the coach, guess 30 days was too much for him. I don't know to admit to him that I know or to just pretend that I don't. How do you disconnect from their behavior when they want u to engage with them on there schedule not yours? He had been asleep all day and tonight when my daughter is asleep he will want me to talk to him, reassure him, play nice.. How do u do that when the whole time I just want to shake him and tell him he is ruining everything with every lie he tells me? Sorry, just heart broken. He has broken my heart and put me in a position that I just hate!

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

My Dear friend you are not alone Alanon has tools that will help to mend that broken heart as each of us can so identify with that expereince. Please reach out to meetings.

Helpangel · Senior Member

I will check out the online one tonight. just keep thinking he is going to come upstairs and I don't know what to do.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Just keep the clicker close and you can then shrink the screen or log off.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.