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Post Info TOPIC: so, how do you answer their questions about your adult alcoholic child without sounding curt?


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so, how do you answer their questions about your adult alcoholic child without sounding curt?


I'm sure everyone who has an A adult child has confronted this issue. You are at a social gathering and meet up with someone from your (now adult) child's past. Or you are at a grocery store or somewhere public, and you run into someone a few times a year (not someone you care to share every detail of your A's troubled life but someone who feels they know you well enough to ask). The person asks "so what is ________ doing now?" Of course they are just expecting some kind of ordinary response like "she"s married, or has 2 children, or she's living in Chicago, she works for _____, etc" Since my A adult child has no job, no kids, is not married, and basically stays drunk and hustles men to get them to pay her bills, I really don't care to expound on her life in a public place with someone who I see infrequently. The only information I share is "she is divoreced and living in Chicago" and immediately change the subject to ask them about their child (and many times that is what they really want, is to be able to tell about their adult child's many accomplishments). But, there are a few people who are incredibly persistent. They will say to me, "oh, i know she's divoreced and living in Chicago, but what is she doing?" (They remember I have only shared that much information with them in our past conversations). Frankly, it puzzles me that they would continue to probe. I have tried something vague like saying "not much", or "she has a big group of friends she hangs out with" (I don't add, that these friends and she sit in bars every night). I haven't come up with a polite way to say "why do you keep asking what her job is, can't you figure out that I don't care to go jnto details about her life?" PS I don't want to give a rude response, and I don't mean I want to sever further contact with these aquaintances (often they are my husband's co-workers). I just wonder how others handle this.

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~*Service Worker*~

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It's not rude to say "I don't want to talk about her" or "She's not doing that well. I don't want to go into details." The truth is not rude. I learned this about my own recovery when people ask prying questions about why I don't drink. I say "Because I drank too much and it ruined my life for a good while." Then they shut up. BAM! Problem solved.

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~*Service Worker*~

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It depends on who is asking the question for me. Sometimes, I've cut off an incredible amount of support that I needed by refusing to share some truth about my son. In other cases, I've said that my son is still "bumping around in life finding his way." I don't generally volunteer information about my son except with close friends who have known us for awhile or with people I do believe should know some of the facts considering my son has spent time in prison before they enter into a deeper relationship with me. I don't want surprises for them about me and my life. For those who push me - if they have not figured heavily into my life or the life of my children - to give them more details about my son's life, I might say that my son doesn't like me talking about him with people he doesn't know. And frankly, who really does like to be the subject of somebody's conversation when they aren't there? I do think that our children's lives are their own and although we might discuss some of our issues with others on an anonymous basis as they relate to our adult children or with true friends, we don't have to discuss them with others just because they ask or crash boundaries or miss social cues. The rude person is the one who pushes for information that is truly none of their business. Not you. (((I)))

I get the bragging that goes on with parents and even there I think that is kind of an egotistical thing.  Don't we brag about our kids so that folks will pat us on the back for raising them right?  Often it isn't about the kids at all.  I do answer questions about my daughter to some degree like where she works or what she does but I don't take credit for her choices or gossip about her life with others because just like my son's, her life is her own and although I raised her and did my part as best I could as her Mom, she deserves the credit for what she has done well and the consequences for things she still needs to develop and fine hone.  Not me.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 20th of September 2014 08:10:37 AM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 20th of September 2014 08:15:08 AM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 20th of September 2014 11:04:26 AM

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~*Service Worker*~

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I agree with PC and grateful. Its sounds like you are doing just fine. People are curious, care, or are snoopy gossiopers.

I like how you say she is hanging with lots of friends.. not a lie.

Even oh she is living her own life. You know how kids are....

Keep it simple. I had to learn how NOT to be an open book. I am still working on it. Will admit...I still goof! I tend to think everyone is nice and they care...I am pretty naive sometimes...

 

 



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