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Post Info TOPIC: resentments


Newbie

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resentments


so i am having a hard time dealing with all my resentments and right now they are all directed towards my mother. although there is a long list including my own faults. things lately are crazy between her and i. i relize there will never be a true relationship between us but i it hurts and just sucks!!! she not only is an addict she is literally crazy. diagnosed as a paranoid schizophrenic has spend time in a mental institution and lives two houses down from me. she is irrational and emotionally all over the map. allows herself to end up in stupid situations where i as her daughter feel the obligation to help.electricity off because she didnt pay the bill, behind in her house payments, and no groceries. and i help with these things because i do not know at what moment i am dealing with the addict or the paranoid schizophrenic. both issues cause irrational thoughts and actions which result in not following through with everyday life. i have two younger children and am no longer willing to put them around her or her crazy theories on her life. she believes people poison her through her water that they come in her home when she is away or even sleeping and then procedes to tell these stories infront of her grandchildren. i am over it and do not want my children exposed to the crazy thoughts in her head nor do i want them to think of their granny in this way. i am pissed (the only word i could think to describe it) she is crazy due to her years of drug use...she cause permanent brain damage due to her use and has been using long before i was born. through my childhood she has raised other children yet refused any financial responsibility for me because she didnt get custody of me. she acts today as though i owe her something because she is my mother and i do not feel that way. I owe her nothing more than enough respect to not be disrespectful. by this i mean...while my step brothers and sister have cursed at her and cursed her some have even put there hands on her i never have. i have never treated my mother that way and never will. but at this point i am heart broken because i feel i will never have any validation from her cause there isnt enough left going on in her mind to even have closure. even if she is clean she cant process due to the schizophrenia. i just want to cut her out without feeling guilty and i cant help but feel that way. i know it is best for my children and i have stuck to it but i am so sad and want closure.



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Senior Member

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Posts: 125
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Mel, your situation is tough. I feel your pain. On one hand you want to try and do what's right by your mother because you feel it's your obligation yet on the other hand your efforts go unnoticed and unappreciated.

The last ten years of my fathers life he was drinking 24 hours a day. His brain turned to mud. Even at that stage of his disease, he wouldn't admit he had a problem. I have a lot of resentment towards him for all the things he robbed me of because the liquor was more important than getting well and being there for his family.

We can't fix them. We can't make them turn into the loving parents we wish we had. Your mother not only is an addict but she's also mentally I'll. You can't fix her. She can get help if she wants it, but you can't make her go into recovery. You can't make her take her meds for her personality disorder.

I don't have any advice but I sure can understand and let you know that you need to focus on yourself and your kids and Al Anon can help you do that.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2200
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(((((Hugs))))) for you Mel and sending prayers.

Well done on being true to the person that you want to be and not falling into the trap of failing to validate yourself. I liked reading that you were able to give yourself a pat on the back about handling a very tough situation to the best of your ability. It is so difficult to rise above such a tough situation but I see you doing that with compassion, a touch of sadness and wisdom. I don't see anything to feel guilty about in your post, although we all take guilt trips like most folks get to jump on a bus, it is a natural response! You are doing what you can to take care of yourself and your children and showing kind respect and acceptance of your mother as she is. I hope that you keep doing what is right for you and that you have supportive folks to lean on. It is tough. You can't give from an empty cup, so keep in touch with good, replenishing things and know that it is ok to minimise the negatives in your life. Welcome to MIP Mel, it is good to have you with us.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Mel - closure does not mean validation from the other person. Pray to your higher power and come to terms. That is closure. She is not going to live forever. Not saying you should wish for her death, but there will be that kind of closure eventually. As long as you know you are doing your part, you have been true to self, you have not let her issues ruin your life. That IS closure. Even with her messed up mind, I would bet anything there is a sane part of her that is very happy to have at least 1 sane and stable child. Probably why she lives 2 doors down for her. This wont get verbalized but I KNOW it's there. That may be good closure.

Change your definition of closure and what you need to feel "okay" with all this.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 7576
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I'm wondering if a call to your local Community Mental Health Association might be helpful to you in getting help for your Mom? There are organizations who will handle your Mom's finances for her and other resources available for senior citizens which I am assuming your Mom is at this time? My Dad wasn't an A but he did have a stroke followed by stroke induced Alzheimer's or dementia - depending on how one sees his mental condition. He also developed Sundowner's towards the end of his life. Even though I have 9 other sibs and lots of adult nieces and nephews, none of us could have cared for my Dad 24/7 nor was he healthy enough to live in his own home. Outside help was invaluable to us.  Learning to validate myself helped in relationship to my parents - neither As but both untreated ACOAs or codependents.  When my Dad reached this time in his life, it was easier on me to accept that he was where he was and that it was kinder for me to deal with what is now rather than to dwell on the reasons for his decline or the ways he did fail me as a parent and he did.  All parents do on some level fail their children which isn't deliberate to my way of reasoning.  People do what they can with what they have to work with at the time.  Most of us do our best and that best is never perfect.  Much encouragement and support as you take good care of yourself one day at a time.  This is a very difficult and challenging time in your life as you well know and the more help you can gain for yourself in Al-Anon and from outside agencies that might be able to intervene and do for your Mom what you can't do, the more peaceful and less stressed you can be.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 20th of September 2014 09:41:16 AM

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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There are federal programs called Elderly and disabled services. Depending on her age, she may be eligible for some one on one help thru social security. I agree with Grateful on that one.

As far a resentments. It is up to you to work thru them and let them go. Detachment can help you to do this. When you think of her, maybe put in I love her but i do not have to be involved with her.

It's ok not to be part of the madness. She is going to go thru the consequences of her behavior no matter what you do. Plus your kids need you to be at  your best!

We used to have places to put people this ill. Have you considered a rehab facility? People with low income can get a room. She surely has social security, either for her age or for her being disabled. If not it may be prudent to call elderly services to ask them to do that.

This is horrible I know, but honey, she did not do any of this on purpose. It's all about her disease, nothing she chose.

That is not an excuse it is fact. Also for your sake, forgive her. I learned to forgive people for some of the most awful things. My thoughts were they will probably never have the serenity and faith in HP as I do. Plus they may never be blessed like I have been. hugs!!!



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 531
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Hi Mel and welcome to MIP. You have found a very supportive bunch of folks here. It sounds as though your plate is full of stuff that shouldn't be there. Your mom obviously needs professional help. It seems to me that if she thinks she is being poisoned or that people are coming into her home while she is sleeping, she needs to be in some kind of facility where she can be cared for 24/7. I would definitely look for some kind of permanent help for her.

I can see why you would have the resentments. Like some of the other replies, I would highly recommend finding an Al-Anon group near you. Al-Anon can help you focus on you,  and get you healthy, mentally, emotionally and spiritually.

Take care of you ((Mel)).



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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



Newbie

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Posts: 2
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thank you everyone...i have looked into help. unfortunatly unless she is a danger to herself or others there is nothing i can do. i have even contacted adult protective services. i obtained a mental warrent at one time by speaking with a judge. two uniformed police officers entered her home and took her to a mental institution. she went in with meth in her pocket tested positive for drugs and they sent her home the next morning and never found the drugs...six months later her friend and i managed to get her on a plane and flew her to boston where one of her sisters lives and based on the laws there she was able to get my mom in an institution long enough for the drugs to wear off and her system to get clean and then treat her mental problems. she was put on meds that made a world of difference. after an extended stay there in the hospital was released and she came back to texas. she has not maintained with her doctor and has been on the same meds and dose for ten years now. i believe that a med adjustment alone would make a world of difference but refuses to go to her doc because she doesnt like him and also believes that her meds work fine that these things are real. just frustrating.
i am extremely overwhelmed and all of your words have been very comforting. just to much on my plate and i just wanna give up. my dad is also currently in prison for a dui. was considered felony based on priors...although he hasnt had a charge in 18 years and has been a tech for substance abuse facilities for well over 8 years now...it was that one drink that led to one to many and then he chose to drive. hes lost his car his home his job and i am assisting in finding and mailing the letters for his parole. our goal is for him to parole here in the dallas area so that he can be close to some family. prior to his encarceration he lived in houston. he will not be coming to live with me but a facility that had a work program to help him get back on his feet.
i dont have as many resentments toward him...i think because he continues to try to be a contributing member to his life to his family to his grandchildren to himself. my mother does not.
anyways thank you for letting me vent...i do attend an al anon group here but it only meets once a week and it just isnt enough right now. i grew up as the little girl sitting in the back of the aa meetings coloring pictures and eating the snacks that got brought with hot cocoa instead of their coffee....so i actually understand the addict side better...its this side of the pain that i dont know.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I understand and I'm sorry the state you live in has such poor care to offer to some of its sickest citizens. I've spent a lot of time with people who have severe mental illness and have had experiences that are similar to yours in trying to get them help. My hope was that your State might have more resources and less foolish laws in place than ours, but I guess not. Just like alcoholism, denial is part of the mental illness and until there is a major crisis nothing seems to get resolved. That is no help to you, I know, but I do want you to know you're not alone.

You are and have been doing all you can and maybe the Community of Mental Health in your area has support groups and programs for family members of people with mental illness where you can get some relief? Sometimes, building a relationship with people inside the system can result in you getting more help for your Mom while at the same time getting the support of others who are going through the same experience as you? I could usually get more help for a person by knowing staff in hospitals, clinics or the mental health field than I could as simply an interested person, family member or friend. Just a suggestion you might have already tried, but wanted to offer it to you.

Sorry to learn that your Dad's choice to pick up that one drink has resulted in additional pain for him and for you. I am glad to know that if he can be paroled in Dallas, he won't be coming to live with you and does have a place to go for his continued recovery.

You sound to be a very loving, responsible and caring daughter and mother and I can understand your feelings of being close to giving up. Surrender is an alternative choice to make that might be helpful to you? It has helped me at times to say what is true: I can't stand anymore, HP. I need help. And help has come. In the meantime, I've tried to make an asset and gratitude list daily, pray the Serenity or another type of prayer, do what I need to do for me and for my immediate family, spend time with good friends who care about me, and take baths - lots and lots of baths. Some people drink. I bathe. Best sedative I know. Oh - and naps. Naps are good, too.

Praying for you and knowing this is a temporary situation and utilizing HALT might help.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 20th of September 2014 08:15:25 PM

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig

PP


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3964
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I agree with Grateful, you sound like a loving, caring daughter and mother.  Somehow in your parents sicknesses, they were able to give you those gifts.  It is so hard to see the gifts we get from our parents when there seems to be so much we did not get and long for.  My God knows why I have the parents and experiences I have had and I do my best to surrender to Gods higher plan that was in place for my life prior to my first breath.  This is not easy.  I am sorry for the tremendous overwhelm, pain and responsibility you feel.  You are not alone, we are open 24/7aww



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Paula

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