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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Feeling very frustrated
Post Info TOPIC: Feeling very frustrated
IMEE


Newbie

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Feeling very frustrated
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Hello, I am new to this group and never sought help.  I am married with one child and my husband has been an alcoholic for the past several years.  Although there are days when things are normal, I always prepare my self when I get home from work that my husband is either throwing up or in bed pretending that he is sick from flu and that is why he cannot get up.  I've been fooled by him over and over again from this drinking and I am just tired of the lies.    To manage his drinking I tried taking away his debit, cash and credit cards so that he cannot buy alcohol.  Turned the house upside down and clean it from the hidden bottles he had tucked away for future use.  I know these are all temporary solutions and this will not stop him from drinking.  Last month, he decided to go to rehab and it has not been a month since he got back and he started back up again.  My son loves him so much and cares for him and I am so confused whether divorcing this man will end my problems.  I know the instability in my home is not healthy for my son, but I grew up in a dysfunctional home too and I managed to stay away from alcohol and drugs, but I do smoke though.  I don't know if divorcing him will be beneficial for us because I know that things will only get worse for him.  I truly care for this man and would like to see him well someday but I do not know when will that be.  I want to stay as a friend but he would not talk to me.  I get frustrated sometimes because he does not even listen to me even when he is sober. He does not even listen to me even more when he is drunk.  The only time he listened to me is when he went to rehab because he thought I was going to leave him after declaring to me that he cheated on me from someone at his previous job.  Thinking back that's when he started drinking heavily is when he was trying to hide something and couldn't.  It ate him up for several years and he has been numbing the guilt with alcohol.  I told to myself I will give him another chance provided he straighten up, regardless of the infidelity, but he decided to drink again after learning that rumors from his workplace has spread about him being out in the rehab.  He just cannot succumb to the reality and I told him to tell his employers about the truth because that is part of the recovery process is to come clean.  He looked like for awhile he was making an effort, because he told me the truth about the infidelity and wanted to go to rehab but I don't know about now.  I am stuck and feel like divorce is the last resort to this problem.  It is easy to fix with divorce and part yourself from the problem and I am willing to find other ways to stay with the marriage, but I do not know if does.



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Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Dear one Al Anon has so many realities to teach you. You are right his drinking is totally up to him. It does no good to throw things away or get into his drinking business.

He drinks becuz he is an alcoholic, not for any reason. Not everyone drinks when they cheat, or someone dies or when they stub their toe. He has a disease. They do not choose to have this disease. They cannot choose to stop. This disease makes it so the person has to get to a place where their total self wants to quit and will do anything to stop. No one knows when or if this will happen. They have to make the call to rehab and get themselves there with NO Help.They need to do the whole process.

We can only control us. We can expect nothing from them.I don't believe in trusting an A or anyone. I take things as they come.

So AlAnon will show you how to look at your needs wants and desires. Stop focusing on his illness. its hard I know. For me I would just love him, thats it. I did not do his laundry or feed him etc.

In truth it is better for them if we allow them to suffer alone. If we leave even better. They need to suffer the consequences of their disease to get so they hate it sooo much.

When we coddle them we make them worse.We make them just healthy enough, just secure enough to keep using.

Getting Them Sober, toby rice drew volume one taught me sooo very much.

WE  have to learn how sick their disease makes us and our kids and animals! NO one can live healthy in that situation with out skills and sometimes that is not enough either.

I hope you will keep coming. MIP is the best. There are meetings here online also. Plus you can go to meetings where you live too.

Looking fw to getting to know you!



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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Welcome IMEE Alcohoism is a progressive family disease over which we are powerless . AA is the recovery program for the alcoholic and alanon is the program for the family. PLease do search out alanon meetings and attend . You will find that you are not alone and that by focusing on your own health and well being you are actually helping the entire family. Keep coming back.

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Cathyinaz


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3026
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Welcome to MIP

I did everything I could. I cried, worried, threatened to never see him again but it didn't work. I can't even remember how many chances I gave him and enabled him hoping it would help. I learned that if he fell helping me in my yard and not drunk I would help him get up and feel bad for him, but if he fell in the yard drunk I would just leave him there. To do this made him realize I are not going to soften the blow anymore and he could just lay there until HE decided to get up. I had to let go, set boundaries and take care of me. If I didn't I could never have lived with him in my life. He got the message so he left me alone finally but ended up in prison for two years because of his drinking. Now I can only pray he will get some help and come out a better man. I'm talking about my son but an alcoholic is a alcoholic.

You can't fix them...they can only fix themselves.

Love him with kindness and give him the dignity to come to terms with his disease no matter what and give yourself more love right now.

Keep coming back because you are not alone

(((( hugs ))))


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 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 
IMEE


Newbie

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Posts: 2
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Thank you for the advice. Today his parents took him to the ER for being mentally unstable. He couldn't come out of it and threaten to commit suicide. I cannot take it anymore. I'm so tired and defeated, but I know there has to be a better life than this. I really want to leave him and cannot find the energy to do it. Or is it nerve? I live in NJ and would be really hard to be a single mother living in a middle income house. I don't know if I can afford living on my own in this house with just one income. Our debts have accumulated from all the stupidity he has done. He stole money from my little son, the money he earned from his chores and made me cry. Just for a fix of alcohol. It's just me and my son again though our house is peaceful once more now that he is away. His parents wants to admit him in the mental hospital because he became more unstable after being prescribed antidepressants. I am afraid of my life because he started hearing voices. I hope they admit him in the mental hospital and he should stay there for a long time. I don't know where to start though being on my own. Any advice?

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pinkchip


~*Service Worker*~

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Go to Alanon meetings! Get a sponsor.

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hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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I(((IMEE))))I'm so sorry that your partners disease has progressed to this point. Face-to-face meetings in your community would be very helpful. Until then I suggest you try to attend the online meetings that are held here. The link to the chat room is below as well as the meeting times

www.12stepforums.net/chatroom2.html

Al-Anon Family Group
Meeting/Chat RoomMeetings
9 AM EST Mon-Fri
9 PM EST Mon-Sat
10 AM EST Sat & Sun
7 PM EST Sunday



I will hold you and your family in my prayers


__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
cloudyskies


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 531
Date:
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Hellow IMEE and welcome to MIP. You are among friends here who know your pain. I'm simply adding to what the others have already told you. You are completely powerless over your husband's alcohol. If and when he quits will be totally his decision. Nothing you do is going to make him stop. I did everything imaginable and if anything it only made my husband's drinking worse.

I noticed that most of your post was about your husband. It's time to think about you. Please find some Al-Anon meetings. They will help you get through this. Even if you end up divorcing him, his alcoholism has already affected you, and you need help dealing with it.

We are here for you, but you need face to face meetings.

Hang in there and take one day at a time, and keep coming back.

((IMEE))



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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-
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