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Post Info TOPIC: Just need a little reminding ... It's the week-end!!


~*Service Worker*~

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Just need a little reminding ... It's the week-end!!


I know that you should never take the verbal abuse personally, it is the disease  ... but it is sometimes scarey for me when my AH comes at me like a mad dog.  We have some furnace working that was suppose to start at noon today and AH took a half day and I work til 11:30am on Fridays.  I got home in 35 minutes and he was already here, must have started to drink before I got home and he is accusing me of getting home sooner than I said I would to check up on him which is so totally wrong, I just got home sooner cause traffic was light!!  Always so unreasonable when he drinks ... so I left to fill the car up with gas and he is following me down the driveway screaming at me that it is a wonder my first husband, who he does not even know and who I divorced, had so much trouble with the marriage.  I know he is drawing a straws and is totally liquored up, but it is so disconcerting.  Just want to get in the right frame of mind, so this, as usual, out burst doesn't bother me so much.   {{HUGS}}   



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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



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Hugs back to you.
I don't understand it but I hear the same thing from A when he is liquored up...stuff about my ex-husband whom he has never even met..."No wonder he left you, I feel sorry for him" or alternately "You think I'm bad do you? I'm no-where near as bad as your ex" (what? How would he know anything about him?). It's total nonsense and must come from some strange place of insecurity because I've been divorced 12 years now and rarely think about it....but A does apparently...
Anyway it doesn't matter if it's the disease talking, it still hurts when it comes from someone who promised to love and support us.
I hope you can find a way to make the weekend nice for you, whatever A and his disease choose to do together.

__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



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I agree with you Missmeliss, I rarely think about, none the less talk about an old marriage that ended 25 years ago. AH is just trying to justify his drinking and the accusations of not trusting him and a past failed marriage are just his way of making excuses to continue to drink. It just never ceases to amaze me .... this disease and the subsequent madness. Thank you for talking with me!!

__________________

 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



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OH deb that is so awful. I often share that if he had a high fever and said dumb stuff we would ignore that of course.

That is his diseased brain pure and simple talking. It means nothing. I know it takes work to say blah blah blah in your mind and not give it any thought.

I got where I could just make it funny. I am not sure how long you have been here but this was me. Him being a jerk, "I am going to burn the house down!" me, "ok honey the matches and lighter are over there by the insense." him, I am going to leave!" me, "Ok honey there is a door there, there and there."

Sometimes he would be his TOM personality, his dad.So I would say,"REALLY Tom???" you could be right!" He might say something about making some dumb move of some kind. ME, "wow I would not choose that but ok."

I was fortunate, my A never attacked me, my person. I find that so interesting. He never did.But then I told him things for sure if he ever wanted to cheat to go for it but he would never see me again. Or if you treat me wrong, you do not get to have me. He knew I did not lie.

I knew he was in love with me and always had been. I just am the kind of person if someone does not want to be around me, then don't be. That is your choice.

I didn't put any weight in anything weird he said. Just was boloney. Whatever your A says is  bunch of stuff that means nothing. and how dare he say it!

A lot deb is self confidence. It's ok to say hey I deserve respect, if someone cannot give me that then they do not get to be around me or live with me! Heck with them deb!

I would never respond to what they said since it was dumb anyway. I do no argue, not ever. I repeat my boundary and leave.

I will not engage with anyone who is inappropriate to me. Will not give them the satisfaction of answering back with anything.

ya see conflict gives some people a high, fighting, yelling, arguing etc I just feel sorry for them for throwing a 4 year old tantrum. I make smirks a lot,mother did too. Like OH REALLY geez.

OH and the pope is purple....I don't know. I just was taught not to engage, not attack anything but the issue,not to take bolony from anyone. And I used to cry if anyone said mean things to me. Took me years to grow my ovaries...well if I had any. lol

To look at me you would never guess this. hugs, you are wonderful and you know it. How dare he be such a jerk! NOW take that attitude and don't give him the satisfaction of reacting to his weightless stuff! lol Once i just walked up to him when he was raging and hugged him.that shut him up and stunned him! lol

Oh forgot this, me,"OH honey I know you love me." OH thank you for saying you love me I love you too!

yes sometimes being an ornery brat is very satisfying!


 



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon



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Thanks Debilyn!! I am learning and did just as you said, I told him that I recognized that his comments were a result of his drinking and that I would not talk to him or respond to his outrageous comments. Got in the car, as he is still yelling at me in the driveway and left to get gas. Haven't spoken to him since and will not for the rest of the evening, because I know he is still drinking.

__________________

 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



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Believing he has a disease offers us freedom to not take on any of their issues as our own or to take anything personally. Thats about our own self image being protected. It isnt an excuse for bad behaviour. Him shouting after you like that is unacceptable behaviour, whether he has a disease or not. You deserve more than that and when I put up with abuse of this kind it made me feel helpless, woth less, weak and I dint know how to stop it happening so it kept happening and got worse.

loving yourself, self care, takjng responsibility for your own welfare, mentally, emotionalky and physically means action is needed. Its not easy but its worthwhile. Setting boundaries designed not to punish him or chastise him like a mother but to protect yourself was essential for me and it ended the abuse. Saying no, this is unacceptable and removing yourself from his presence when he brings up any nonsense designed to steal your power. Leave the room, dont even listen to it, make it clear you mean what you say.

Its amazing to me now that im out of it to see how much I took and normalised it in my head, like your husband chasing you down a driveway shouting at you, can you see that that is not normal behaviour that you can shake off? Its insanity and for each incident that has no consequences for him or action then it ups a notch. The consequences for you may well be your health, operating in that high anxiety feeling regularly is unsustainable and i know my body reacted eventually. Well thats my experience and most people ive listened to in alanon.

Learnign the program will free you from this.

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I can remember listening to loved ones cursing me and carrying on like crazed raccoons who needed water. One day, I got still inside, and a question came up for me. Why am I listening to this? I stopped listening and recognized that within me were ways to handle the situation that didn't change them but did draw boundaries for me.  These are some of the things I said: "I would like you to leave here or I will call the police." "I will not listen to this. I am going to hang up now." Or, I just shut the door, hung up the phone, called the police. The kind of behavior you are describing - drunken or not - is abusive and predatory. To follow you to your car ranting at you to me is trying to corner you and to intimidate you. It is crazy behavior and to me it is also threatening and extremely abusive. I'll bet he doesn't pull this with this employer, the neighbors or others he wants to impress. It isn't what we say or don't say that matters. It matters what we do or don't do to honor ourselves in a situation where a bully pushes and pushes and pushes. I don't have any answers for you, but I have experienced my HP as being with me and for me. If I get quiet and listen, I'll hear the questions or the guidance I need in any given situation. I listened to all that garbage until one day I realized that I didn't need it or them and didn't need or want the people who were abusive to me in my life. The problem with abuse is that we don't call it that until there is physical abuse that leaves bruises. His behavior is abusive and it is leaving bruises and scars on your mind and on your heart. It might be helpful to seek the help of a domestic abuse counselor for you and continue the Al-Anon program, too?



-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 19th of September 2014 04:21:44 PM



-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 19th of September 2014 05:27:57 PM

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



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El-cee and grateful2be, thank you for your input and insight. AH is definitely taking a toll on me, I am on a beta blocker for anxiety for the past three months. But again I have learned to remove myself from his ranting, which is helping me alot!! And with all of you and the help of Al-Anon I realized for the first time this year, after living with this person for a decade, that I was not the bad person he said I was, it was the disease!!! What a revelation!! So I have come along way following the Al-Anon protocol, but you are both right I will speak to my doctor in a few weeks about counseling, he was the one who put me on the beta blocker due to AH.

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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



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(((Debb))) Please know that what I'm going to say is both gentle and it is understanding of what you are going through. I lived with a very abusive person and had many, many physical complaints at a very young age. I was 22 when I married him. By the time I was 27, I'd had multiple miscarriages, various surgeries and infections, an intestinal disorder that was incapacitating and was grossly obese with borderline diabetes and other physical issues to include frequent migraines and other maladies. I thought it was due to being married to him and it was to some degree, but the deeper issue was due to my belief system that kept me hostage in a circumstance that was death-dealing to me. When I finally reached my limit of tolerance and began to examine what I believed and whether or not what I believed was helping me or hurting me, I began to make choices based on my inner knowing. I am a few months shy of 66. I have enjoyed good health ever since I divorced him and my trips to the doctor are limited to those infrequent times I have a bacterial infection or need to get my bee sting kit refilled. I still have the intestinal issue that got started in childhood and may be due to an autoimmune disorder but only suffer occasional flare ups of it that are uncomfortable and inconvenient but controllable by reducing the exposure to negative thinking or negative people. That doesn't mean everything can't change tomorrow, but I do know that a lot of my physical problems prior to separating myself from a very sick man were due to my belief systems more than anything. I'm not saying this is true for you and if it is, I hope some of what I've shared with you is helpful. I am glad you will be seeing a therapist that hopefully understands mental and emotional abuse and alcoholism.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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I understand and you are in my prayers.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



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Catherine and Deb that just breaks my heart how you were and are treated! Catherine i know you to be so gentle, caring and giving.

And Deb geez look at that beautiful happy face! Both your husbands are fortunate I was not around when you are or were being treated so ugly. I just will not shut up!

rrrrrrr hugs!

 



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon



~*Service Worker*~

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That's exactly the way I feel, Debilyn, when one of our family is being mistreated, too. Kinda makes me want to open a bed and breakfast on a sliding fee scale for women who need to be loved up for as long as they need it and then sent back into the world a different direction than back to him. (((Debilyn and Debb))) Let's start it on your land, Debilyn.  Not a shelter but a temporary home where we can reteach our sisters their loveability, their value, their worth.  When they've re-bloomed and want to share what they have received, we'll know they're ready and it will be time to take in another woman or two.  We couldn't help everybody and we could help a few.  That would be enough for me.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Friday 19th of September 2014 05:25:02 PM

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



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{{HUGS}} to you Debilyn, Grateful2be,Eel-cee and Mismeliss ... don't know what I would do without you all today and everytime I pop on this forum for support ... you are always there!!! {{HUGS}} again!!

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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



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Just passing on what has been given to me, sister.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



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I remember when I had to tell my son exactly when I would be at his place and if I was 5 minutes early he would accuse me of checking up on him. So crazy..... it came to the point I would sit outside in my cal until the time came for me to see him. I couldn't even give him a time frame...he wouldn't except it.

My SO used to be abusive all the time but has quit it for the most part now because I stopped engaging completely even if he came running after me. I would turn around and give a look that would kill and kindly say...' END IT ' It took awhile but he doesn't do it anymore but when a fight does starts it's still the "GET THE F OUT" because he has nothing else to say to reason with the situation whatever it is. I just go on because it's not worth it....I said my peace I will not continue. I will move forward to some day have happiness. My SO can turn around or he can live his life the way he wants......his choice and I will make mine and sadly mine is to leave.



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 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 


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Agreed, Grateful2be, I feel the same way, you gotta give back to this world even when you are down, it is the only way to live. Not always about me, there is always someone who has it much worse!!

__________________

 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



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I know Cathy, it is not easy when someone who is suppose to love you, has so little regard or respect, in spite of the disease it is still hurtful and we have no other choice but to disengage. Sorry for your sadness and hope as time goes on that the situation gets better and your SO get the right help.

__________________

 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



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Oh, can I pre-register?

Bless all your hearts. Nobody here ever needed any of that abuse. Not for a second.

Debb, this helps me:

I have a book, Healing Trauma. I can look up the author if anyone is interested. I haven't read it all, for some reason, but I did read the part about how if a herd animal is caught by a lion and manages to escape, when it gets back to the herd it will shake and trimble all over for a couple of minutes. Same with a wild animal that is released back into the wild after being trapped for treatment. It helps to dispel the adrenaline.
When DDH yells at me, I get shot through with the stuff, and it is so hard on every organ system in the body. And when I tell my sister, she says, did you shake all over? And I'm beginning to remember to do that. If I'd read the book, I'm sure I'd find out more about how to do it,

I can't read Debilyn's accounts too many times of how she learned to handle things. Or Catherine's sharing about how everything got better when she got away.

And Debb, you just have the best attitude. I learn so much from everybody on here, and from every post.

A woman who has been on television for a long time shared about her abuse just this week. I am so glad to see the discussion. It removes stigma that the receivers may feel they have, and it brings the injustice out into the open. Whatever helps to raise awareness and end isolation and share knowledge is so good. And it brings the message home: it can happen to anybody, in any demographic, at any age, in any location.

I went to the doctor five years ago and I filled out a questionnaire. And one of the questions was, "Are you being abused?" And I marked "yes." I wasn't being slammed up against the wall, but I was being verbally and emotionally abused. The doctor may not have seen it, but neither he nor anybody else every said anuything to me about it. And I just saw him the one time. I didn't lie about it. I have told husband he is verbally abusive. He can only recognize it if somebody else is doing it to some other woman. It doesn't count with him, because he's "the most harmless person you'll ever meet." Okay. Someday I hope I have the gonads to invoke Debilyn's "If you aren't nice to me, you don't get to have me." And it doesn't have to be said, even. When I'm gone, he may figure it out.

Hugs,
Temple



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It's easy to be graceful until someone steals your cornbread.  --Gray Charles

 



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Temple, thank you for sharing!! You are so right, I haven't talked about the abuse and it has gone on for so long!! I am just learning how to put it into perspective in respect to my role and how to now deal with it correctly because of the alcohol, which I never knew was the key to all of this abuse. I just love this forum because everyone is so caring and giving, it has made such a huge difference in that it has helped me to be able to shake off that adrenaline!! {{HUGS}}

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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



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Well, for the first time ... I am going to stand my ground with abusive AH and have told him this morning that his abusive treatment of me yesterday afternoon was unacceptable and he owes me an apology. All he would say was that he was angry that he took time off from work to wait for the boiler repairman and he didn't have to. Whatever does that have to do with what I just spoke to him about is beyond me. I will not accept anything less than an apology and going forward, better treatment. If he wants to drink, so be it, but I will not let him verbally abuse me anymore. Thank you everyone for all your help and support, you are all a blessing to me!!

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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



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((Debb)) Prayers and positive thoughts You deserve to be treated with courtesy and respect ALWAYS .



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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I'm glad you felt and acted on the power within you to honor you and put up boundaries. It may not change his behavior and yet you have changed yours. You are a woman who is loved by a power greater than you who like Betty says is to be treated with courtesy and respect always. If a person doesn't want to do that then that's on them and we can spend more time with people who do treat us well and less time with those who don't.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



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Sending ((((((hugs))))))) Debb, and power to that backbone of yours that I see you flexing.

I found it very hard to accept that I had allowed someone to abuse me and disrespect me, it did not fit with the way that I saw myself. But once I did accept what was going on it became easier for me to walk away from AH's abuse - even to the point where I walked out of my last counselling session because of what AH was ranting on about. The counsellor was calling me back, but since I had shown how upset I was five minutes earlier and she had done nothing I just kept quiet and let my walking do the talking. How she could condone that type of behaviour by listening to it and nodding in 'understanding' I shall never bother to find out. It feels good to be defending me! Btw, I rarely get an apology from AH, but a change in behaviour speaks more to me these days anyway.

I love your photo, you have a beautiful smile and deserve lots of cuddles and giggles in your life!

Grateful - I adore the idea of a refuge where wounded folks get to be 'loved up'. Can I come and be a volunteer? Perhaps with my dog? I'd love to see the lovely visitors smiling after they have received the Grateful treatment. I think I would sleep well at the end of a day like that!

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milkwood wrote:

Sending ((((((hugs))))))) Debb, and power to that backbone of yours that I see you flexing.

I found it very hard to accept that I had allowed someone to abuse me and disrespect me, it did not fit with the way that I saw myself. But once I did accept what was going on it became easier for me to walk away from AH's abuse - even to the point where I walked out of my last counselling session because of what AH was ranting on about. The counsellor was calling me back, but since I had shown how upset I was five minutes earlier and she had done nothing I just kept quiet and let my walking do the talking. How she could condone that type of behaviour by listening to it and nodding in 'understanding' I shall never bother to find out. It feels good to be defending me! Btw, I rarely get an apology from AH, but a change in behaviour speaks more to me these days anyway.

I love your photo, you have a beautiful smile and deserve lots of cuddles and giggles in your life!

Grateful - I adore the idea of a refuge where wounded folks get to be 'loved up'. Can I come and be a volunteer? Perhaps with my dog? I'd love to see the lovely visitors smiling after they have received the Grateful treatment. I think I would sleep well at the end of a day like that!


It would be a team effort built on Al-Anon principles where all of us share our gifts, talents and animals, too, with other women who have been put down, beaten up, blamed, shamed, ridiculed, discounted and expected to accept it because...fill in the blank.  So, you couldn't be just a volunteer - you'd have to be a fulltime staff person with the rest of us and of course, you could bring your dog - well, that's if Debilyn says its okay since its on her land I've volunteered to start this woman's home up.  Grin. 



-- Edited by grateful2be on Saturday 20th of September 2014 10:11:53 AM

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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So very nice to talk with you all ... Grateful2be, Milkwood, Hotrod, Temple, Cathyinaz, Debilyn, El-cee and Missmeliss, you are all treasures each and everyone of you!!

__________________

 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



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So are you, Debb.  As my sponsor says often:  We are a fellowship of equals. 



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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



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Aww, hugs to you Debb today! I hope you get to do something special for yourself this weekend! Lots of great sharing here today!

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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!


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Well it is awful nice to be part of the fellowship!! smile



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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



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smile



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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



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It's nice to have you here as well Debb - just look at the wonderful ideas that you've launched with your post!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Debb it is very important to find a therapist that deals with alcohol and
Drug abuse. Most therapist are not trained in that field supriseingly.

My first therapist was marriage counselor she was good but waste of time
For marriage counseling with him. My AH has been dry for 30 years just not sober.

Second one I went on my own, she did not want to see him unless he really
Wanted to work on the marriage. She understood addictions and behaviors of
An addict. It is heart and soul breaking relationship being married to one.
We are now in the throws of divorce.

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~*Service Worker*~

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Thank you Mirandac I will be sure to discuss all of this with my GP, I wanted him to recommend someone who would be expert in abuse and addiction, which are the two issues that I must come to terms with.

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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



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I have been grieving and mourning my 29 yr marriage and it has
Been very clensing to my soul. You must face a lot of hard
realities. My AH asked for the divorce and moved out to live
With his new AA gf.

It is a very painful journey being with someone that is checked out
Of the marriage. Mine would not work on the marriage only destroy
What was left of it and he was dry.

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Hi Debb. Don't forget about you assets list. Are you attending f2f Al-Anon meetings? Al-Anon can help you learn how to take your focus off of ah and put it on you. God bless you, Debb. I'm praying for you.

 

((Debb))



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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



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Mirandac, I am so sorry for your painful journey, I wish and pray for you to have peace and happiness now. Cloudyskies, it is very difficult for me to attend regular f2f Al-Anon meetings due to the distance I have to travel to the closest open meeting and my work schedule, but I do work on the steps everyday and MIP has been keeping me pointed in the right direction when I get off track. I have sought help from my GP and will get some recommendations from him in about two weeks, for a good counselor as well. Thank you Cloudyskies for your prayers, I am very thankful indeed.

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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



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Thank you Debb. I appreciate your prayers. I attend one mtg a week
It's 13 miles away. I wish I could attend more weekly. i went for two
Years and just listened and absorbed the wisdom. I was in a very hard
Place in my life. The not knowing where things are going, trying trying
To know avail, I did gain my serenity but lost it when he announced his
Intentions of divorce and new gf.
I need to find my serenity again but it is one baby step to a time, I am
Doing relatively well considering everything that is going on right now.

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Hey deb, good for you, thats huge, speaking up like that, takes courage and awareness, I bet you felt better for it. Now just keep it up, show him your refusal to listen each and every time, move away, your soul and inner child will no longer take it. Alanon f2f, better than any counselling I ever heard of and its free.x

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It all worked out well, he did not apologize, which is not always within his personality to do so, but after a day and a half of not speaking to him, he began to come looking for me throughout the day to talk to. I will continue to not accept his abusive behavior and I do feel much better about myself for doing so! Thank you all for your support and input, sometimes, when you are in the mist of the turmoil, you do not see the forest for the trees!! I realize that f2f meetings are best, but for now, and until I can do so on a regular basis, I will continue to follow the Al-Anon protocol and do f2f on a part-time basis, it has helped me tremendously to do that and MIP!! {{HUGS}}

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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie

PP


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A powerfully, loving supportive thread....Grateful, until the brick and mortar inn is completed, it can be virtual! Yes?

 



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 7576
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PP - Yes, it can be and is virtual. First, the dream. Then, the blueprint. Then, the actual. :^)

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig

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