Lots of mixed emotions - Al-Anon Family Group

Luiza · Senior Member

Lots of mixed emotions

Luiza · Senior Member

So I wake up at midnight hearing him talking to someone. He is with his sister on the phone and for the next 2 hours he is trashing me, giving her his side of the story, omitting all the punk details, twisting the truth and defending himself. Apparently he did the best and everything he could to make the relationship work but I am a cold person who tricked and used him all these years. Apparently even my family told him I am emotionally unavailable and problematic... My family don't speak English by the way and STBXH doesn't even speak my family language.... He went as far as talk to his sister about our sexual life. How I was not interested in sex anymore. But who wants to sleep with a drunk who doesn't shower for weeks? He said I have no grounds to end the marriage because of abuse as he never has hit me. He really can't understand that I don't have to live my life with a verbally abusive, emotionally unstable, passive aggressive, selfish drunk. He says I am running away. When is past 2am his sister tries to hang up and he says: "I know you told me to call you whenever but I am sorry, I don't want to keep you awake........ Think about manipulating and guilty tripping other people. He spent the last 2 days at home doing nothing, but he had to call late in the night after a night shift, because he works so hard you know? When his sister finally hungs up, he comes to my daughter's bedroom and wakes her up to tell her how much he loves her. That was sweet. Shame he didn't think of it all these years he chose to be at the bar instead of being with her..... Than he walks around the apartment talking to himself and finally goes to sleep. But I am here awake. Not angry, not disappointed, not even surprised. Just sad that he can't see what is really going on. I don't care about what his sister thinks about me. As long as she keeps supporting him.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Luiza: It is maddening to hear the stories. What might happen if you say firmly and softly to him: "I would appreciate it if you would stop gossiping about me with your family. It is disrespectful to me and hurtful to our daughter who loves me." It may not change anything on his part and it will also change something on yours. This is your home until it isn't. You can't control what he says because it isn't uncommon for folks to try to gain support from others especially in a divorce situation and not all people tell the whole story or the facts. You can respond to what is going on in your house with you in it if it feels right to you and that might help you know that somebody in the family is in your corner. Please do not wake our daughter when she is sleeping might be something that you could add as well if that, too, feels right to you to state. I've worked with lots of alcoholics and bullies. My tone of voice which is basically "no nonsense" has stopped a lot of bologna from continuing. I don't know if this will work for you and it has worked for me.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 18th of September 2014 10:59:23 PM

-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 18th of September 2014 11:05:17 PM

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

I understand your conflicting emotions about him. I made a lost of the pros and cons of my marriage. The bad outweighed the good, so that's when I knew it was time to move on. And I needed to protect my kids from the drunken behavior and arguing.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

This is what makes me always say to get half the finances asap. Becuz the A will think of itself only when it sucks you dry.

i would not tell him not to talk to his family. He is going to use that as what are you doing? eavesdropping on my personal conversations?

You are right, it does not matter what he says to them.

His disease is strong, he is very sick. We all must protect ourselves and our kids! hugs!~

Luiza · Senior Member

I could't help listening. It is a small apartment and he was loud. Even when he was whispering with with MIL, I was shut in the bedroom and could hear them whispering. If I tell him to stop gossiping abou me he will tell me to F*off. Even when sober. If I tell him not to wake our daughter up he will agree. But he will do it again anyway. Yes Deblyn you were right re: finances. I never thought he would do something like that, he never done it before. He is serious about moving, just not quick enough. Hopefully his people will help him more.

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