Lonely in my marriage - Al-Anon Family Group

Seahorse7 · Veteran Member

Lonely in my marriage

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome Seahorse

You have come to the right place to get started with not being alone anymore. As time go's on I bet you will make a meeting in your home town...I did. But for now keep coming back here.....might pick a few meetings here online and let us help you with our ESH. There's a lot of ESH here so don't be afraid....we don't bite.

(((( hugs ))))

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Dear Seahorse, welcome to MIP. I'm glad that you reached out and shared.d I can so identify with the feelings that you expressed. I too felt lonely in my marriage and was a non-joiner as well.

Being on vacation is difficult and I would just like to suggest you try the online meetings that we host here two times a day in the chat room. Here is the schedule.

Morning Meetings

Mon. - Fri. at 9am EST

Sat. - Sun at 10am EST

Each Sunday morning at 10 am EST, we will be having a Spiritual meeting with a topic relating to the Spiritual part of our program.

Night Meetings

Mon-Saturday 9PM eastern time

Sunday 7PM eastern time

Each Thursday night at 9PM EST, we will be having a Step/Tradition Meeting to help new people get to know and understand how to work the 12 steps.
After going through one Step per week, and getting through the 12 of them, we then start a Tradition a week on this same night.

You can sit and listen or type in a question and begin to break the isolation and loneliness caused by the devastation of this disease.. You aren't alone and there is hope.

When I finally found the courage to walk into an Al-Anon meeting I was greeted with such love and compassion that I wondered why I stayed away for so long. I did not have to speak, I was welcomed to just sit and listen. If I needed to cry- nobody tried to stop me but looked and acknowledged that they understood.
Living one day at a time, connecting with others who understand as few other can, saved my sanity and life . It will help you as well

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP Seahorse7, thank you so much for reaching out.

It is so difficult to deal with an alcoholic loved one on ones own, I know that in my own experience with AH I thought that I was going nuts. In fact I found it impossible. I finally felt that I needed to learn more about the disease of alcoholism and that is what took me through the doors to alanon. Even though I had been reading masses on the internet, making that personal connection and seeing how tired and worn out some of the others were made me recognise how tired I had become myself. I did not want to be like that. I wanted to enjoy life. I started to read other people's stories, and also I gently opened up and told a bit of my own experience. The feedback that I received helped me to realise that I was better off sharing with others, and these people really understood my situation in ways that others simply could not grasp. I began to learn how to live life with my AH in a way that meant that I could make the best of my life, regardless of what AH was doing.

I feel for you being away from home in Spain. I remember a time when AH and I were on holiday together in Thailand, in a very beautiful place, and AH was ghastly drunk every day, clearing the minibar most mornings and then sleeping the rest of the day. Being a long way from home, and in a place that should have been a delight I really felt that I had arrived in hell and that feeling had me climbing the walls with self pity and anger one night. The next morning I booked myself on a sight seeing boat trip - it was the best day of my holiday by miles, I found a pretty beach and paddled in the water with exotic fish nibbling at my toes! I enjoyed the peace of that day, and although it was spent on my own, it gave me a magical memory.

You can have a happy life, in fact you deserve it. Thank you for coming to join us, and for venting. Better out than in!

Luiza · Senior Member

Hi and welcome.

I have just came back from a holiday in Greece. Lots of amazing things to see and do. So exciting. All my STBXH could think about was where his next drink would be coming from. It didn't help his enablers parents and siblings were there too.
Thanks to Al-Anon I had already learnt how to leave him with the bottle and go enjoy myself. My 7 year old and I had lots of fun despite the dysfunction. I had some problems there too caused by my STBXH behaviour, but now I can see that at least his family could see a glimpse of what he really is like towards me when drunk and it led me to a big decision in my life - separation and divorce.
I have always felt really lonely in my relationship. And I isolated myself from other, sometimes because I was ashamed of being always lonely, sometimes because I was ashamed of socialise with my STBXH. I finally got tired of being a single mum in a marriage.

Seahorse7 · Veteran Member

Thank you all, luiza, milk wood, hot rod, Cathyinaz, I feel a little less alone after reading your responses and crying my eyes out. I love the hubby but half of my life is about what to do with myself while he gets his jollies drinking. I suppose I'm luckier than most because he makes agood living and is a great pet dad which is key for me, but I feel guilty, like I'm betraying him in some way by discussing this. I've never discussed it with anyone except a therapist I no longer see. I just want to feel less alone. I travel for work and spent two one month trips in foreign countries alone, wishing he was with me the whole time, now he is with me and I still feel alone. Big sigh.

sookie · Senior Member

You are in the right place and I have also shared your experience, many times, traveling with the drunk AH. Yup--he would pass out and snore and all I wanted to do was cover his face with a pillow and go to sleep. Once, he passed out in the cab on the way to the airport. I just wanted to leave him there.

I used to read this message board for almost a year before I ever posted...and it took me a LONG time to get to a face to face meeting, but it was the best thing I ever did. I was actually horrified when people in those rooms said they had been going for 10, 15, 20+ years! I just wanted my pain to stop and move on...4 years later, I still go and it's because it makes me feel *better*. I am not always in a crisis like i was then (separated from my AH but now going through an ugly divorce) but I also never know what is around the corner when dealing with him. We have 2 kids--I'll HAVE to deal with him forever. That's part of my I keep going back--I feel way less lonely. I am surrounded by supporting, understanding people who don't judge me and who know my struggles and emotions first hand.

There is help and relief from the loneliness out here. And support. I hope you get to enjoy some of Spain. YOLO!

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome!!

I now am very open becuz I came to MIP. Believe me his drinking is not personal. It has nothing to do with you. It's no different than when he drinks water, he drinks becuz he craves it. '

He is an addict, his body tells him alllll the time to drink. It's classified as a disease, seen like other diseases in our dna. Not everyone has it in their dna, depends on heredity.

He is never normal when he is an active drinker. All that alcohol is poisoning and destroying his body. His brain is always sick. In fact if he got into recovery, you would see a very different person.

Yes it is horribly lonely. I am a person who looks for a person heart. I felt very connected to my AH. But when he relapsed after brain surgery, the heart I aways felt was no longer there. This is true with anyone who is an A for me. They are numbed out and destroyed.

The meetings on here are great. I am sure you would love them. You can just observe, no problem!

Pain is pain, your lonliness is not any less becuz your A is not as not as far along in its destructiveness than another. The disease gets worse and worse as the drug kills their body and mind.

I am glad you found us. We are here to support you and care very much.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.