love or codepedency? - Al-Anon Family Group

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

love or codepedency?

jm · Member

So many (((((((((hugs))))))))) for you. I done the exact thing in a previous relationship. I must have left at least 10 times over a 12year period and listened when he said it would be different the next time. I have just finished another relationship and have those same feelings again because the man says he cannot manage without me. Am finding it terribly difficult to sit with the feelings. For me...and only me...I'm not trying to give u advice...just your post got me thinking about me....I need to address why I keep falling for these types of relationships. Sorry you are in pain but thank you for posting...helps me know I am not alone.

Katy · ~*Service Worker*~

Awww thankyou jm, having just had some time out of my relationship so I feel I have different things to consider now, I am tired of having to evaluate days gone by tired of constantly feeling I have to justify and reason with insanity, I just can't do it! and know now I don't have to!

I survived without a relationship I was ok, of course I was very sad but like you I need get to the crux of what is making me tolerate unacceptable behaviour, and going back.

love

Katy

x

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

Katy I do understand and have been there. What really helped me was to remember the First Step. Accepting that I was powerless over others also then translated into the fact that they were powerless over me as well.. No need to try to figure o why people looked angry or sad. Not my job.

. I salute the fact that you are keeping the focus on yourself, and accepting who you are --Good job. In order to trust this process, I found working a 10th Step each evening really helped. Looking at my day, recognizing when I felt uncomfortable , examining my motives, in each situation that I felt uncomfortable shed some light on what I could change or adjust. As I began this work I found that there was no need to admit the "Wrong" to anyone but myself. When I saw it ,I could learn from my review and ask HP to direct me to new responses.
It works.

Spur · Senior Member

Katy, I'm living in that same detached marriage you left. We lead separate lives. He has his work and drinking. I have my life with our kids, friends and family.

I would never come back to this life again. It is emotionally lonely and physically draining. You need to think about what you want for yourself, for the rest of your life and is your alcoholic going to make you happy.

My A will accuse me of having a boyfriend. Egad, like I need another man in my life to have to worry about. I'd like to think that when I do leave this situation, I will have the experience and the knowledge from Al Anon to perhaps choose a companion who is not an addict and is capable of giving love, as well as receiving it.

Mattie · ~*Service Worker*~

When I did this my therapist said, "Well, sometimes you have to touch the stove again to see if it's really hot." But you're plunging right back into recovery that's super.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

For me, I was codependant and until I dealt with that, worked through that with the program, still working on it, then nothing really changes. The change begins with you. Accepting he is what he is at this moment and there is nothing you can do to change him will free you from puzzling over anything he says or does. Its his disease that remains untreated that causes his distorted thinking, I learned its nothing personal, its not and never has been about me. That was a hard one for me to accept. My own distorted thinking meant I believed everything was because of me or could be cured by me. Your never going to change him, not by saying the right thing, acting the right way, nothing.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Katy, love and codependency can and do co-exist. I have been over the moon in love and crazily co-dependent at the same time. As you work your program, love may take on a different look and feel to you. I see that I have been taught to confuse codependent behavior with love and others confuse the two, also. So, a happy, healthy couple this does not make!!! I try and stay out of my head, which is so hard, as it can get pretty cluttered. Keep working your program and begin to unwind yourself from your codependency. To answer your question, from my perspective, yes it is love AND codependency. big hug

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

I agree that love and codependency issues co-exist. For me, codependency meant mostly thinking of the other and not about me. Learning to put HP first, then me and then another has been a progressive movement towards continual balance - and I entertain no illusion that I will reach perfection. Forgetting myself is easy. Remembering myself takes practice, practice, practice. I misunderstood something I memorized as a child: Love others as you love yourself. I worked at loving others first and left me until last. Of course, that didn't work and I couldn't figure out why until I recognized that childhood misperception and changed it as an adult. Nothing wrong with loving others. That truly is a good thing. But, things get out of whack in a hurry if I don't spend time tending to myself first - not last.

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

You know I don't get how others can point at us and say you said this, you did this! I mean who are they to gauge and judge us? Like you said this is me, this is how i feel. Take it how you will, not my problem.

I learned I was not co. For some reason naturally I sorta winced and went on. His stuff was his stuff not mine. I am not into changing anyone, never have been. Probably how i was raised.

I loved my A's cuz of who they were. I didn't like having to take care of anyone, cept my kids. Would of found it weird to lie for him or call in for him.

This is what makes people come back. Well one reason. They may not be ready to give up, maybe I over reacted, maybe I need to try this before I completely let go. It's a learning process.

I know when I had A leave I knew i had to try everything do everything possible before I gave up. It actually helped the grieving process since every time he ran to mommies I grieved some.

Good thinking for you. You will know when things are at a point of no progress a waste of time. hugs

Newlife girl · ~*Service Worker*~

Thanks for sharing. I left my marriage in March. I know if I went back, nothing would change. Things haven't changed since I left. He is a dry drunk and still has many problems. Thanks for the reminder of how hard it would be for me to live with my AH again. I hope you find strength and hope.

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