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Post Info TOPIC: Same Ol' Same Ol'


Senior Member

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Same Ol' Same Ol'


I'm already detached from my AH and we live separate lives however, the kids don't see him for who he is and that's okay, but I do worry that one day they'll realize fathers are suppose to be more than what they got.

So, last week my daughter who's a senior asked if she could have her class out here for a bonfire Friday night, this week is Homecoming.  I said sure but we would need to get a fire ring.  AH chimes up that he'll get one.  History: he let our neighbors borrow our fire ring last year and he has never gotten it back.  Kids asked him early in the summer to get it...nothing.  and the neighbors are the type that what's yours is theirs so they'll never bring it back.

So A says he'll go get another rim from repair shop for bonfire.  God forbid he just go get ours from the neighbor.  So, Monday I text him to remind him.  Tells me he'll get it.  Tuesday still no rim.  Text him today and ask are you going to get one or I'll do it, nope he'll get it.  Daughter asks him tonight if he got one.  Nope.  I wanted to scream...but immediately calmed down because the wisdom you guys repeat is, we are powerless to change them And we can not control them.  I just turned to daughter and said, I will get one tomorrow and went back to cooking.  A says, I don't know why I have to get it anyway, you don't do anything all day.  I just kept my back turned and ignored him.  Daughter however called him out and said, dad, you're the one that said you'd get it and you're the one who took our fire ring over to the neighbors and mom told you not to.  Off he stomped.  

I burned boxes today so that involves getting all the cardboard out of A shop.  He piles it all in one corner, beer boxes included. I noted today that there were more 30 pack boxes than 12.  

This site has been so helpful for me in the two weeks I've been here.  Thank you.  Thank you for giving me the tools I was missing.  If this conversation would have happened 3weeks ago, I would have ripped A. It never got me anywhere, but I felt better for getting the anger out.  My kids don't need to witness that anymore then they already have.  I feel so much better, and more in control, for not losing control.  It's empowering.  Before I felt A was taking my power away when he would insult me.  I feel like I'm finally growing up.

 

 



-- Edited by Debilyn on Thursday 18th of September 2014 01:36:36 PM

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~*Service Worker*~

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I held my breath and my tongue waiting as I read your frustration and then, ahhhhhhhh, there it was...you saw a new way to handle this just by utilizing an Al-Anon tool. And then, you saw another way to handle the anger you might have felt when he tried to make you feel guilty for what he didn't do and did. Good work.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Senior Member

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I can't put into words how I feel it's that amazing. I've dealt with anger issues for a long time and I couldn't break out of the habit, I didn't know how to react any other way. But there again, I have always reacted to A, not been acting in my or my kids best interest.

Thank you, grateful2be for explaining the processes at work. I can see what you're saying.



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jm


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Thank you for your post. I am 14 years in another 12 step program and still I get so angry. Not so much at other people just the ex and the fire that I feel in my stomach before I explode is unreal...its something that I have to start addressingsmile



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Senior Member

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JM, I know your frustration. Put your trust in Al Anon.

I had another great moment yesterday that I forgot to share. I've been the type to lose control when things don't go as planned, no matter how trivial. Yesterday my kids were late coming home from school. They both have sport practice after school but on certain days they have other activities they have to get after practice. So, yesterday they are half an hour late because the XC coach had a longer route. Normally, this would have resulted in my kids getting yelled at for not leaving the school when they need to but I kept telling myself, I have no control over this. They have no control over this. I need to open my heart to love and not take this out on my kids. When they got home I was calm and loving. I had gathered up their stuff and had put it in my car to save them time. So, instead of that whole thing devolving into me blaming them for the change in plans, we all stayed calm, I didn't yell, they didn't feel resentment. I was very proud of myself. I was a loving parent in a situation that challenged me.

I know my anger issues stem from my childhood. I couldn't control things then, so I try to control my life now. And when my plans go off schedule, my need to fight back surfaces. Al Anon has helped me to see that pattern of dysfunction in myself and given me the tools to work through it without losing control.

Yesterday was a big banner day for me, but more importantly, I kept the love for my kids first and foremost and I didn't have to apologize for losing control.

 

edit: 

I got a text from A saying he had talked to our neighbor and he would go get our fire ring back tonight.  Hmmm, I responded with a thank you and no more.  Normally I would have gone down the path of the I told you so, but no, I'm working to be a better person so I don't need that negativity.  No apology for insulting me, never is.  He's doing this because daughter made him feel guilty And that's okay.  It's one of the few times in their lives hes done something for them...providing he actually does it.

We admitted we were powerless over alcohol and our lives had become unmanageable.

 

 

 

 



-- Edited by Spur on Thursday 18th of September 2014 11:31:24 AM

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~*Service Worker*~

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You are doing super what we all aim for.  I'll be interested to hear if he gets that fire ring back.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Spur, this is fantastic, I'm so enjoying reading about your new ways of behaving and (not) reacting. Thank you for the inspiration, you will be in my thoughts.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I don't know what would make the kids even think about they did not get a father like they should have. He is their dad good bad or ugly. They know all people are different. Plus who really knows what other dads are?

Mine was not perfect, but I did know he loved me and remembered me. That was all I cared about...

He says he will get fire ring,then yells at  why should he get it when  you do nothing all day. HMMMMM there would be me not adding his cloths to the wash, eating dinner with kids only. Getting me a new bed of my own, never changing his....ummmhmmmm hey justifiable consequences wouldn't ya say?

geez what a turkey! (c:



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon

PP


~*Service Worker*~

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You handled these situations so well...in return you won't spend your energy feeling badly towards you for blowing up, saying things to regret, etc, etc. You are free to roll around in love, like  Debilyns  piggies.  This is one of the many gifts of al anonsmile



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Paula



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Thanks for your words of encouragement.

Debilyn, A does his own laundry. I don't cook for him, if he's here, as opposed to sitting in his shop drinking a 12 pack every night, he eats with us. But he usually comes in from the shop with beer in his brief case, and goes directly to his office and stays there watching TV. I don't go out of my way for that man for any reason. We communicate via text message. I don't need to speak to him nor do I have anything to say. Too many years of behavior as described above. My father was an alcoholic too, and of all his issues, he didn't verbally insult my mother or us kids.

I'll share a painful story. A once called me a F-ing B and as if that wasn't bad enough, he did it in front of some of my family. I was so embarrassed and ashamed and with people here I couldn't even yell at him. My SIL, bless her heart, stepped up and handled the situation. It was that night after everyone left that I told A our marriage was over I was done with him and his ridiculous behavior. We have lived as roommates ever since, 10 years.

If you're wondering what made him say that to me, in my house I have the rule, no food outside of the kitchen. We don't eat in the living room, we eat at the table. Okay, we had been married and living together with that rule for 10+ years. Wasn't something new. That night when we had company there was a football game on and A takes his plate into the living room and sits down. I go in there and I said, please don't eat in here you know I don't like it. He swears at me saying he just wants to watch the game. We do have a tv in the kitchen. Yep, that's the man I married and promised to spend the rest of my life with, to honor and cherish.

I shared that incident when we were doing marriage counseling. The therapist asked A, if you were over at your neighbors for dinner and your hostess asked you not to eat in the living room, would you call her what you called your wife? A of course says, no he wouldn't. Therapist asked him why not? A answers with it would be rude. Therapist said, so you don't think it was rude to speak to your wife like that, let alone in front of other people? A says, he just wanted to watch the game. That would be the moment I decided we were wasting money and my time on therapy.

Thing is, A was a kind and loving person when we dated and married. He wasn't an A yet. But despite his drinking, his whole attitude has sunk to subhuman over the years. He's everybody's best friend away from home. Once he pulls in the driveway he's a totally different person and a total selfish and self centered jerk.



-- Edited by Spur on Thursday 18th of September 2014 11:18:21 PM

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I think I am living your life, Spur. Cohabitation, lack of interest in family life, name calling (my AH told my FATHER I was a whore, his reply: "Now when does she have time for that, she's always got [daughter]. I understand your pain immensely), I don't cook or clean for him. He apparently averaged 36-40 beers a day (I thought 16-20). We don't speak much. Subhuman in attitude. Jeckyl and Hyde.

I had one boundary for him. He screws up his job or our "life", he would be out. Two weeks ago, he managed to get "set up" at work, blew a .17 at 7AM .. got fired. When I found out, i kicked him out and had to get his father to come escort him before I called the authorities. A half hour later, his dad contacts me to find a rehab. Apparently, once they realized the problem was now on THEIR doorstep, they decided to help.

He is in a rehab now. Already asking me to be here when he gets out, because he is changed. ummmm ... I lived over 4000 days with you as a drunk .. 14 days of sobriety doesn't erase that.



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I am not BROKEN.  I am ANGRY.



Senior Member

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CD, I have found a lot of help and hope for a better future here with Al Anon. Welcome, you are with friends here.

Your A was totally out of line for what he said to your father. A husband should never talk about his wife in that way yet add alcohol and they think they can say and do whatever they want and have no regard for our feelings. It's all about them. Always all about them.

My A has never admitted to having a problem so he's never been in a recovery program but even if he did, it wouldn't change my feelings towards him. Too much crap to put up with. Never any apology's his behavior always being my fault. If I had done this he wouldn't have said that. If I wouldn't have done this he wouldn't have said that. You can't win with a user.

Please take this time to get help and healing for yourself.



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~*Service Worker*~

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I have received so much help for these kind individuals who oversee this forum, they have helped be see the light and showed me that I was not alone!!

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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



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Welcome to MIP.  This is the place to be.  More people will respond with wiser suggestions.  I am very new myself.  

I wanted to say that I can relate.  My husband is actively drinking after being sober for 30 years.  He too told me of infidelity that occurred in July.  I have been reeling since.  Not sure I could salvage marriage.  We have been working on it since he told me.  I can only suggest One Day At A Time.  That is how I handle things.  Plus going to f2f meetings have helped a great deal..

Keep coming back. 



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