Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: Games people will play
jm


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 23
Date:
Games people will play


Hi all don't post often but need to now. Its 520am and I'm finding it hard to sleep. Finally got my ex to leave the house yesterday as I could no longer put up with his madness and my anger would be very bad when he would start with his mad thinking (no excuse I know I have to work on anger). But when I was dropping him to the coach he was being cheery and making out it was the best thing and letting me know he didn't hold me responsible..as if it was my fault he had slipped twice in the last month (even though I was doing all I could to help...which I know in the long run doesn't help them) but again I digress..sorry head fried...he was not even gone an hour and was texting me about how he will be fine and don't worry. I went to work and phoned in my break just to make sure he had gone to his family (didn't want him turning up back at my house when I finished work) and he hadn't gone to them. He was staying on a mates sofa..still saying don't worry he will sort it. By the time I finished work 8 hours later he was texting me and I knew by the texts he was working up to asking for my help again. I repeatedly said no...he wants to come and stay for a few weeks till he "sorts himself out".. that's why he didn't go to his family because he was playing the game all along...i.e..il go then you will realise what your doing..then I would feel sorry for him and help him again..we have been broken up 7 months but he told me he needed help to stay sober and that's why I carried on living with him because I don't like to see anyone suffering and I used to think I could help "fix" people. Anyhow I turned off the phone went to sleep 4hours ago and woke after 3 and am here writing this. Thing is b4 I turned off the phone he had already started with the manipulation and feel sorry 4me card...and he wants to talk to me. I have said I wont change my mind and I am adamant on this but how do I get over the feelings of that I'm doing something wrong??? I'm guessing I'm not wrong in not helping??? Any suggestions or insight into my dilemma would be gratefully appreciated...thanks  smile

 

 

 

 

 



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3613
Date:

I haven't seen your older posts but I gather your ex is an alcoholic, in which case the help he needs can be found in the rooms of AA, which are open any day he wants to go.  My guess is that the kind of help he wants from you is a place to sleep and a roof over his head as support for the same old kind of drinking life.  He could have gone to his family but didn't, he found a friend to go to instead -- all these things are his choices.

We Al-Anoners are typically co-dependents who have been brought up to think we're on call to try to solve everyone's problems even if they can solve them for themselves.  They want us to believe that we're the ones who will make the difference, and we like to believe it too.  In the case of alcoholism no one can make the difference except the drinker.  Isn't it ironic that they indulge in all kinds of insane behavior and then we feel guilty?  Isn't that just crazy?

I hope you'll throw off the guilt he's trying to ensnare you with, and take good care of yourself.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:

First - is he suffering? Or are you suffering for him? Second - our As are sick and they aren't stupid. I understand that alcoholism is a compulsion, an allergy, a disease and like any illness, if they are in great pain and nothing they do seems to relieve it, they might be willing to seek help for themselves just as we might when something gets increasingly painful and we can't manage it anymore? Allowing him to experience the consequences of this disease is a very loving thing to do, even though our feelings and the way the disease has affected us might tell us otherwise.

If we step in to make it easier for them, the crisis has been removed and they can go right back to doing what they've always done which is usually drinking and staying dependent on people who will take them in, feel sorry for them, lecture, yell or throw them out over and over again. You aren't hurting him by not helping him. You may very well be helping him to get the right help that we truly can't give them. We're not As and we aren't the answer for their disease much as we sometimes would like to be. I do feel ambivalent as you do at times. It helps me to reach out to someone who understands this disease, share what is happening with me, and do what I can to take care of myself and that always includes remembering that my loved one has a HP who is with him whether or not my loved one may not know that yet. You did the best you could to establish boundaries for you and you are your number one priority. Good for you.

I hope you are also attending Al-Anon meetings for yourself? Just like the A, if we don't seek help for ourselves, we'll just return to doing the same thing we've always done. It's just a matter of time before we do. Al-Anon gives us more tools to use, an education on alcoholism and how it affects us and our loved ones, and a fellowship of others who are going through this, too. Hope you go if you aren't already doing that? You deserve the support, help and hope this program offers us if we'll keep an open mind, attend the meetings, obtain the literature, find a sponsor and work the steps. Keep coming back here, too.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 18th of September 2014 02:16:15 PM

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Senior Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 242
Date:

Might I suggest that, for your own peace of mind , you do not remain tethered to him with your phone. Turn it off when you go to bed and put it in another room- believe me I have found that any emergency can wait until daylight. When my son was seeing a counselor for anxiety issues, he was told that a huge part of the problem was that he had his cell phone on or beside him 24 hours a day and that was feeding his anxiety. Secondly can you block his texts because it appears that every time he text you are upset. He can't manipulate you if he can't reach you. Then get some tools from alanon to both recognize and deal with this manipulation.

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3653
Date:

I know for me when I am done with the poisoning, I don't want to talk to it, hear it, taste it NOTHING.

When we engage we are making ourselves sick. When we make that decision to get it away from us, the easiest thing to do is to not have anything to do with them.

Plus then you will see in time, they are just fine! Believe me, they do not need to cling to us to survive. He says he can figure it out, so allow him the dignity to do so!

You can get him blocked from your phone.

When we continue to be involved with them, it does really harm us. We need time to heal and get our health back.

YES  you are doing the best thing. They need to really feel the consequences of their disease, if we make them comfy they never will. He is an adult.

hugs, now what are  you going to do for you? what do you need and want???

 



__________________

Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2200
Date:

JM, I hope that you are tucked up warm in bed and that you have some good things to do to restore your balance and zest for life.

This is just my take on this kind of behaviour, so forgive me if I am speaking out of turn. I think that your A might eventually have more self respect and a better sense of accomplishment when he finds his own roof for the night. It might not be an easy thing for him to do but it would be a shame to take that opportunity that you have given him away. I think that you have shown great strength in sending a clear message and in clearly sending it with love. I know how difficult it is to do and there are many many times when I have caved in to alcohol's manipulations myself. Please don't feel guilty about it. Take care of yourself ((((hugs))))).



__________________
jm


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 23
Date:

Thank you all for your input...quick update...he kept calling today almost in tears begging for my help...and I just repeated the same no..over and over then turned off the phone...few hours later he managed to sort a short term plan out....it really is hard word to say...No...and to sit with those feelings...thanks again for listening



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
Date:

I've been there and it does get easier to say "no," the more practice we get exercising that no muscle of mine.  The real "no" is not to the person outside of me, but the rescuer that lives within me.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Thursday 18th of September 2014 06:07:29 PM

__________________

"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig

Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.