The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
Tonight AH asked me to bring him over some ginger ale and Immodium. He had been having diarrhea all day I guess. At first I said yes. Then when I got off the phone I texted him back and said I didn't feel right doing it. So I didn't do it. he later told me he drove to the store and got it himself...then he quickly told me he hit a car and hung up on me. What?? I wasn't sure if I heard him correctly. Now he says he won't tell me anything about the car. He is obviously mad at me. Whatever. What's new?
In his defense, he has always been good about helping me with my stomach issues. I have Celiac disease so I understand stomach issues. But there's been so many times he has been incoherent and unavailable for me I just didn't feel like helping him. My sponsor asked me if he could call anyone else. No, not really. He isn't very social with neighbors or anyone.
just last night he was telling me I was a selfish liar. Because I won't agree to do a home program thing. One day I am awful, the next day he wants my help.
The merrygoround of chaos is always there...if I allow it to affect me. Today I am ignoring the chaos.
It helps me to check out my motives when making decisions with my HP. Otherwise, I twist in the wind in my mind. I've made decisions in relationship to my son that on the surface can appear insensitive or unloving but given the nature of the disease - not true. If I check out why I am considering an action and it has to do with me taking good care of me and not because I am rejecting, punishing or trying to hurt him in any way, then I act. After the action, if there is any after burn from myself or him or both, I remind myself of my motives for the action I took and then let it go. Wouldn't it be wonderful if we could just get into the car, go buy the darn stuff and take it to them? Sounds so simple. With alcoholism, it can get so complicated and twisted. Thank heaven for Al-Anon.
Hi.
I understand.
STBXH sometimes asks me for advice. Then after I give him the advice he throws it back in my face. Sometimes I wonder if after he finally moves home and need my help in any way, should I help him or not? I even worry about the kind of relationship I will have with in-laws...in case they want to keep close, visit me, go out for lunch (without stbxh) should I do it or not? Pointless worrying about it now I know.
I have decided, for now, that I will follow my heart. I always like helping people. I won't change myself. I just need to be careful not to give more than I can afford and not to lose my peace while helping. If helping means affecting my serenity, than I won't.
STBXH is my daughter's father, I can't change him into a healthier person and I can't change him into what I think he should be. But if I can help him in any way, without loosing myself in the process, than I will.
I already learned not to give him my opinions or help when not asked. And even when he asks and then throws back in my face, I shrug and leave and pray for him. I know his reactions comes from a place of very low self esteem (even lower than mine, wow) and anger for having a brain less sharp than mine. His is damaged.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Good for you, ignoring the chaos! Alcoholics are experts at swirling up chaos; it's a great hiding place for their defects, a great staging ground for accuations and acting out, and a great manipulation tool (you have no idea what all is really going on, so they get the upper hand on you). My A haaaaates when I detach and walk away, because then I won't play her game (and lose!).
Even so, many times the hardest thing for me to do is detach and keep the focus on me. For me, at present it's the only answer, so I devote a lot of effort to it. Keep the faith, it sounds like you're making some awesome progress!
