AH quit his job. Trying to remember my tools... - Al-Anon Family Group

NL14 · Veteran Member

AH quit his job. Trying to remember my tools...

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Impulsive seems to be part and parcel of this disease? Sending you lots of encouragement to focus on you, stay in the day, breathe and I'll be praying for you as you pray for you, too.

Temple · ~*Service Worker*~

I'm so sorry. Prayers for you and family.

Hope you can locate Grateful's post on it's HP who sustains us.

I remember when my husband got spit off by the huge company he'd been with forever--went to school on their Scholarship. And he called me--they were making him sign something to get severance and I asked him to please not--see an attorney. And he let himself be coerced. And he was pretty devastated. But I told him he'd just had his rut pulled out from under him--I'd seen what the retirees looked like. Evcerything grey. And I could afford to be fairly sanguine, because he did get a year; we had no debts; and he had a big retirement (which did get eaten over the next several years.)

But I told him our livlihood didn't come from that company, but out of his head. And Grateful and the others with a lot of recovery know that it IS their Higher Power who sustains them.

I'm so glad you have work. And it is scary. Try not to project too far into the future. You've got your hands full today.

Temple

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

Sorta typical of the A right? He just quits not thinking about anyone but himself.

I sure see what you mean.

I am sure he will have unemployment if money is the only thing keeping you there. He did not think of his family, you are thinking of your family.

Glad you have an attorney. My friends husband went thru something like this when someone else bought his company. He lost so much. But he kept working, it did turn out ok. One day at a time.

If it hadn't he could have looked else where for work but still contribute to the family. He is A
but has been on program for twenty or more years. very cool guy.

Does he just expect you to support him? I guess he made his own bed....so has to suffer the outcome. Its up to you what you are going to do. I have a feeling you will be just fine!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Based upon why he was terminated u/e can be nothing .. DO look into it immediately he needs to file so you know exactly what you are dealing with. If he was fired for cause there is always the possibility he won't get it. I would def pursue the legal grounds however unless he had something in writing depending on the state .. a state that is right to work has very little labor laws. We had a situation with my STBAX he should have made thousands of dollars on a sale and the company found a way around it and when I called an atty I was told if he was not white and if it was me we would have a case .. because he's white and in his 30's at the time .. there was no case. It was really unbelievable to know that the same thing could have happened to me and we could have taken them to the cleaners and I could have kept my job. This is how crazy some of the times are and this was in the early 2000's.

I try and focus on doing the next right thing for the kids and I .. he's going to do what he's going to do .. that is so not my issue .. however ME doing the next right thing is everything.

Hugs S :)

NL14 · Veteran Member

Thanks for the support everyone. Little update: You'd be proud of how cool, calm and collected I was when AH got home and we talked. I explained very nicely that I agreed 100% that his company was in the wrong and that he was right to want to leave. But that when we'd spoken this morning and I asked him if he was going to quit he'd specifically said NO, and that I felt that he's made a unilateral decision that affected the entire family without my input and that he had acted selfishly and irresponsibly. He agreed. He apologized. He kept putting it in terms like "this situation we're now in" or "now that this has happened", but I kept bringing it back to him and emphasizing that it was a choice he'd made without thinking it through. I didn't burn any bridges, I wasn't angry or crying or anything like that. But I said my what I meant, and not meanly (amazingly). I also told him that his budget is effectively $0--no spending at all for him.

I feel better. This will get sorted out--may be a lean few months or more, but he'll find another job or his company will see the error of their ways. And in the meantime I'll take care of myself and my kids, because God knows this man isn't going to.

BTW: just to clarify...he wasn't terminated. He quit. So, no severance, no unemployment, as far as I know. One good thing is that he told me what was in the 401(k)--it was the one account I never had access to, so I wasn't sure of the total amount--and it's a lot more than I thought. Thank goodness.

Cathyinaz · ~*Service Worker*~

OMGosh.... that sucks. Why do they think all is going to be OK and they can just stop working. I'm sorry. My SO wants to quit his job and I told him if he did he would not get his full retirement and he would have to live on a tight budget that I would NOT share with him. I will retire at full retirement age and be OK....him...whatever I will be gone.

Prayers that your AH will get it together and prayers for you family.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

You handled it well NL Good Job.

You are correct, it will all work out according to HP's design

Prayers and positive thoughts to a fellow New Yorker.

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

I am praying for you NL. Good advice----stay in the day, the moment, the present. Try not to project.

NL14 · Veteran Member

Thanks, again everyone. I really love MIP! I was hoping to get to a F2F meeting today but couldn't, and it's so great to be able to check in here.

Logistically, things are looking promising today. AH's company seems to want to retain him and may meet him halfway. We're not out of the woods yet, but the situation may not be dire. Won't know for a few days, but fingers crossed.

In the meantime, I'm going to consult with an attorney next week to find out my rights if we divorce. I feel like enough is finally enough. "Stability" has been a big reason for staying in my marriage, but clearly that's just been an illusion.

NL14 · Veteran Member

Well, your prayers worked! AH lucked out--his company didn't want to lose him and he ended up with a salary bump and a better overall package. So, the immediate financial crisis is averted, which is fantastic. Thanks to all of you who sent your well wishes!

It's harder to feel justified in seeing wrong in his behavior because it worked out. But I still think that even though the end result was "good", the path he took to get there was irresponsible. He threw a temper tantrum, and his company acted like frustrated parents and gave in to shut him up. There were other ways to get the same result that didn't involve putting his family's welfare at risk.

Or am I just being unreasonable? The last big talk AH and I had about it, he turned the whole situation around on me (as per usual) and said I was being unsupportive, that "he was his own safety net" (this in response to my saying that he should have put aside money and/or gotten another job offer as a safety net before essentially quitting), and that this was all a chess game.

My feeling is, you never, ever even threaten to walk away from a job unless you either a) have another job to go to or b) have more than enough money to carry you through for a good long time or c) a firm business plan and an agreement from your spouse to sacrifice in the short term for long-term happiness...

I'm proud of the fact that through this past week I've been very clear with him about my feelings. And thanks to Al-Anon I've been able to keep myself calm and non-obsessive over what was going to happen, and to accept that he and I have totally different ways of looking at things. I've Serenity Prayed myself out of a bunch of panicked moments. I'm also taking steps toward the future. Meeting with a divorce attorney next Thursday and planning some financial steps to take at the end of the year. I may or may not go forward with a divorce, but I'll have all the information I need if I decide to. I somehow feel less "attached" to my marriage these days, and less devastated by the idea of losing it. It will be okay. Nothing lasts forever, nothing good or bad.

Anyway, just an update on the improved situation here. Again, thanks for all your warm words and support!

SerenityRUS · ~*Service Worker*~

Hugs NL14,

I'm sooo glad for you and your family everything worked out the way it was suppose to.

Hugs S :)

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.