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Miracles In Progress 12 Step Recovery Forums -> Al-Anon Family Group -> Al-Anon Family Group -> I don't know what to do
Post Info TOPIC: I don't know what to do
Kah27


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Posts: 10
Date:
I don't know what to do
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I don't even know where to start. This year has been a roller coaster that never seems to end. ofcourse I never seem to get off of it. I had a chance to leave my ah a week ago. Lease was almost up he had gone to the strip club yet again this time drinking and driving home. I was staying with my parents prepared to leave. he was doing his usual lashing out and threatening and then apologizing and pleading. I was detaching talking to my sponsor preparing myself. i have a three year old daughter. She was fine at Grammys house for about a week before she started crying to go home and see daddy. He wanted to see her that weekend and I said yes as long as I was there. We went out to eat hung out for a while and when it was time to go She cried the most heart wrenching cry I've ever heard all the way back to my parents and into the night. It was Like a knife in my heart. I tried to distract her the best I could until the next day which was his birthday and we went out to eat. He had been telling me earlier that weekend that he was going to go to out patient rehab as set up by his work and paid for by his work. I started having second thoughts. Maybe that I should give him one past chance. So I decided that night that we would go back. Well that night after he had us back. He told me that his work didn't actually have A program that he had misunderstood them and that he would have to find one for himself. Then he asked me to find one for him because he can't use his phone at work. So I couldnt find much. I got him an appt with a substance abuse counselor and he just went and saw them this past Monday and was recommended to a place that does out patient but he has to call and make the appt i cant. So he said he would call today on his lunch hour. Last night though he was very tired and was being kind of hard on my daughter she was acting out because she was tired and didnt feel good   He was just taking it too far like unnecassary. She was saying Halloween is bad and he was like so I guess we won't go trick or treating then I was like no don't say that and he got pissed and went in his room. Then she cried that heart wrenching cry once again. He had just been being so I don't know harsh on her. She had hit him and I understood that he needed to talk to her about that but then he was going into all of this other stuff unnecassary stuff. She is just not been doing good through all of this we haven't been fighting in front of her but just the going back and forth to Grammys. And now him slamming his door like he used to do everytime he got mad at me. I don't understand why he couldn't just give her a hug and say goodnight then go to his room. Much less dramatic for her. I feel like if I leave he will most likely get joint custody and I will have no control or way to protect her when she is with him. Plus it will be even harder having her family torn apart. he has been dragging his feet on this out patient thing since last Friday and giving me so many excuses and I keep excepting them. I have a lot of fears with him having joint custody. Her being emotionally messed up him feeding her about me. Him drinking around her bringing his friends around her. I just don't have a lot of faith in the judicial system. He is such a narcissist he can convince any judge that he's father of the year and that I'm crazy. Doesn't help that I have fibromyalgia and interstitial cystitis And take pain medicine prescribed I don't know he could probably use that against me. I know I have to put it in Gods hands. I just wish I knew exactly what God wanted me to do. Thanks for reading n



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grateful2be


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 7576
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Hello. I don't know if you attend Al-Anon meetings in your area? If not, that is the suggestion I have to make to you. It appears to me that although you seem fed up with his behavior, you may not be ready to make a major change yet? Al-Anon is a conservative step to take when in doubt as to what to do next. It is for us and not for the A. The disease turns us upside down and pulls the rug out from under us often. Al-Anon helps us learn more about the disease, how it affects us and what we can do to take better care of ourselves and our children before we make major changes (except in the case of abuse of us or of our children or both). We also learn how to live and let live one day at a time so that fears of the future don't keep us stuck in the past as much. Keep coming back here, too.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig
hotrod


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 17196
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Dear Kah I can certainly identify and can see how conflicted this situation truly is and I do believe that projecting into the future as to visiting rights etc is a bit premature. Remembering the slogan:" First things first," I think breaking the isolation caused by this dreadful disease is most important.

Increasing my Face to face or on line meetings, for me were the fist things I needed to do. This helped me to reclaim my confidence, and courage while receiving the unconditional love and support I needed. I think upping my attendance at alanon meetings, working with a sponsor living one day at a time, really helped me to learn how to not react to his insanity and to respond in a constructive manner. I finally found and trusted , the "still small voice within "that offered guidance to a road less traveled in a positive direction while restoring my self esteem and self worth.
Please keep the focus on yourself and know by getting healthier yourself you are helping your entire family.

Keep coming back

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
Debilyn


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3653
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He surely has no intention of going into rehab. I am seeing manipulation big time. See how he got you to come back?

Plus now he is being abusive to this child. Why did he not just hug...etc? Becuz he is an A, they do not think like non A's. His priority is himself.

Maybe instead of moving back, daddy could have come to the child. We are to protect our children. You don't have to move in with him just for her and daddy to have a relationship. I know you know this as i can sure see the love and protectiveness of you.

A's manipulate telling us what we want to hear, then they go right back to the truth by what they do.

I am so sad this happened to you and the little one.

As far as rehab, it's no magic pill. It can take years before they grow up and show the person they really are. He has to want it, this guy is not ready to work the program.

Its up to you dear one. hugs, keep coming!



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon
Kah27


Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 10
Date:
Permalink  

Thank you all. I do go to face to face meetings but haven't made it to one since last week. I also have a great sponsor. I guess I just have a hard time letting go of my controlling ways. I'm not she what I should have done in that situation of him being mean to our child. I mean I could have just let it go and walked away but I felt I needed to stand up to him. He wasn't yelling at her it was like he was trying to prove to me he was the best at disciplining her. I feel ashamed for not having the strength to leave him I know he sees my weakness and manipulates me. Please do pray for us. He finally made the evaluation appt. at the out patient rehab. I just want to believe that with God all things are possible. Thank you all for your support and feedback it means so much to me.

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