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Post Info TOPIC: When to detach & when to speak?


Veteran Member

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When to detach & when to speak?


Hi all

would like some advice about when to tackle issues with AH. He's been really stressed at work & has a very high powered job. This was his excuse for binging this week which resulted in him having an awful hangover, clearly annoyed at himself for using drink to escape & him taking time off work stressed. 

Im not saying he's not stressed, but clearly this just reinforces the pattern. I have told him I understand he's stressed & that he can talk to me, but detached totally from the drinking, carried on with my own life, kids work etc. It did make me feel better, but puts me under extra pressure to manage everything at home, so I'm constantly racing about .

 

so yesterday I had a small accident in my car, I'm fine as was other car. while it was absolutely my fault & not his that I had the accident, I can't help thinking I'm in this state coz he's not pulling his weight.

so my question is, do I raise the impact of his drinking is having on me & our family or not? I genuinely think he knows so me saying something may put him on the defensive thinking i'm unsympathetic to the work stress.

any thoughts? 



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Senior Member

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As my husbands drinking morphed from social to problem, his involvement with the family and responsibilities at home diminished on a parallel course. No amount of nagging, bitching, or threatening worked. A user only cares about himself and once they're in that pattern, they won't listen to you and you can't change them.

I'm still married but I've been a single parent for 15 years. This is why I'm here seeking help. I'm tired. I'm worn down. I'm fed up.

Sorry to be so negative, I'm not in a good place right now, but I am speaking from experience both as a wife of a user and as a ACA.

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Veteran Member

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Please don't apologise for being negative- you're saying what I'm feeling. I know nothing I say about his drinking has worked in the past so I figure why waste my energy , but today I feel like he needs to know how it impacts upon us- even tho I know nothing will probably change! I've not answered his calls coz I don't want to say anything in the heat of the moment. I want to say what I mean & mean what I say! We just need a release sometimes don't we?

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Senior Member

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Absolutely. Your situation is similar to mine in that my H blames his need to drink on work pressure and stress. Of course that means that we don't have any pressure or stress because as they gradually check out of the relationship, we get to pick up all the household duties, repairs, shopping, cooking, raising the children, running them to practices and lessons and confirmation classes, and always being the patent at school activities who is always alone, never has a spouse with you.

Really we should be the alcoholics if the criteria is to drown stress.


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Lol! I love that! I'm currently chocoholic! Dark chocolate, good for shock!

I have a great bunch of friends who are always around but feel like I'm leaning on them too much & yeah I do feel like a single parent, pretty much alone. I wonder if there'll come a time when I'll just accept he is who he is & I 'll not let it affect me in the way it does? Excuses range from anything, stressed at work, won on a scratch card, someone got engaged, someone got divorced, someone had a baby, someone died- all great excuses to drink! But he doesn't do it everyday so he doesn't have a problem. He may not do it everyday but he thinks about it everyday- I know him well enough now to see it!

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PP


~*Service Worker*~

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It might be best to speak what needs to be said here and to friends in recovery.  It works best for me to go about my business, work my 12 steps and love anyway.  This is what detachment looks like for mesmile



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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HI Tash,

Have you been to a F2F Al Anon meeting yet? That will definitely help you towards that goal of accepting your husband the way he is and not let it affect you so much. Al Anon can be another network that you can build of people who DO understand about living with alcoholism.

Kenny

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~*Service Worker*~

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Hi Tash. I'm sorry about your accident, and very thankful no one was hurt. I understand your dilemma as I am still with my ah. If you tell your husband that you feel you had the accident because you were preoccupied with him, he's going to feel guilt, which will probably lead to more drinking because he's going to need alcohol to dull the guilty pain. Then, he's probably going to blame you for his drinking. He's not going to accept any responsibility for your accident. His brain can't accept it. He knows the impact of his drinking on the family, but at this point, his drinking is more important. Alcohol is like a demonic possession of our loved ones. Then we become affected by the demon that has taken our loved one. disbelief

I would continue working on my detachment. Talk about it at your face to face al-anon meetings and talk here.

Take care of you.



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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



~*Service Worker*~

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Hello. Welcome to MIP. I am glad you were not injured in the accident nor were others. Very good counsel you've received here. I do hope that you find an Al-Anon home group if you don't already have one where you can be with others who are or have been affected by alcoholism. I learned that the stress I experienced and experience in relationship to a loved one with this disease could be reduced by a change in my thinking and a change in my way of relating to a disease that continues to progress in me and in my loved one without treatment. I couldn't do anything about my x or my adult son's disease and I could get help for myself. Keep coming back here, too.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



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Thanks for responding everyone. Yes I have been to F2F meetings but struggle to get there regularly. It's comforting to talk on here. I will not say anything. As I say- I think he actually knows but chooses to ignore so clearly anything I say won't have an affect. His behaviour has already changed & it will continue to for a while then back to square on again. I will try & be greatful for him being attentive today & not think about the next day & trust that going through this experience will make me stronger for next time!

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~*Service Worker*~

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I just had a accident also. I'm stressed about work and how my life is going but I can't blame it on anyone but me. I didn't keep my attention on my driving and that's what I needed to do while in a vehicle. If I don't I could kill somebody else plain and simple.

I need to learn no matter what gos on in my life I can't blame it on others but change me to make it better.

((( hugs )))

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 Lord, put your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth

Speak only when you feel that your words are better than your silence.

 
PP


~*Service Worker*~

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I am glad all of you are safe following your accidents.



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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I don't think you being in "this state" is his fault because you could choose not to and Alanon is there for you to not go down with the sinking ship. It's tricky as to when to say something versus not. He has enough trouble being responsible for him. He will not even grasp being responsible for your emotions or well being.

I did catch one thing that I might start responding differently on. "I have stress from work" is the most BS excuse to remain active in alcoholism. We all have stress from work. You don't need to cosign that as an excuse to be an alcoholic. Hand the disease back. Not in a nasty way but you could respond "I love you, but you know there are better ways to deal with stress and most people have stressful jobs." Or that may elicit and argument. I don't know - I'm not in your relationship. I do know that validating the "Oh my job is so so so stressful and that is why I drink" thing too much can border on enabling.

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We work in the same field so I know for a fact his job is stressful, but so is mine & I don't choose to drink! I understand that we all have choices & that we all have to take responsibility for our actions. I don't blame him for the accident. As I say it was entirely my fault for not paying enough attention. But that is actually because I am in part put under pressure by his behaviour. I am able to focus on myself and leave him to his own stuff most of the time, but when it affects how he supports our family life & the kids that's where I struggle not to say something. I'm strong, but I'm not bloody superwoman & his not pulling his weight is affecting our family life. I guess what I'm asking is how will he address that if he's not made aware? My choices would be much more simple & clear if there was only me to think about!

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~*Service Worker*~

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Tash: In Al-Anon, we do learn that we are powerless - absolutely 100% powerless - over the A and over the disease. As much as we would like them to hear us, see the problem, see the affects of the problem - they won't. Not until they do. The good news is that WE see it and although we didn't cause it (nor can we cure it or control it), we can get help for it and how it affects us and our family life. It is how we are thinking about the issues that face us that create the pressure in us. We learn that when we can change the way we are thinking, we can also change the way we are living if we choose with the help and guidance of our HP. Perhaps this isn't true for you but it was and can still be true for me: If I don't keep the focus on me, alcoholism or my loved one becomes my hp and I run like a hamster around a wheel in my mind and in my actions. I keep thinking there must be something I can do or I can say that will help the A get help, see things the way I see things, make changes I think they need to make and nothing changes because I'm focused exactly where the disease takes me - on them and what they could or should do to change. Goes nowhere but down and around from there.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Tash, I can understand how you feel and see no reason why you cannot address the issue of shared responsibilities. I would make a list of all the responsibilities and then choose the ones, I am comfortable performing and ask that he pick up the rest. The chores could be daily , weekly or monthly but if each one has tasks that they've agreed to do it might be easier.

I must point out that there is no guarantee that he will maintain his part of the bargain but in saying what you mean and meaning what you say you are at least validating who you are and what you need.    If he does not complete his tasks note that you will hire someone to do so .

 I know when my husband became sober and we started discussing the wreckage of the past, he was completely amazed at my anger and resentment as, in an effort to keep the peace, I had never verbalized any of it.


Be true to yourself and take the action and let go of the results.

Please keep coming back here and sharing.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


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Thanks so much for that really practical & helpful response Betty! I will look at doing that. I am aware how far I've come as I didn't start ranting as soon as it happened & know I need to really think logically and honestly about what I need to say, but I do feel that I need to say it. Not in a mean or unkind way, but just do that it's said & it validates my feelings! I'm certain he will try for a while & then fall back into old ways. But he can't then say that he didn't know, & I'll not go under trying to be superwoman! I'll get a cleaner, pay for childcare & at least then I'll be looking after me & he can't say he wasn't given the opportunity to meet his responsibilities. I'm not going to discuss the drink directly, just how his behaviour/ lack of input affects me.

Thanks again for responding!

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~*Service Worker*~

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In my experience, saying that he's not shouldering his share of the burden should cause a change in behavior, but usually it doesn't.  Let's face it, even if our partner is not drinking, that's a tricky thing to say and they tend to get defensive.  If they are a drinker, much much more so.

I like the idea of figuring out some things he could be doing that are realistic to expect considering his limitations.  Not because he gets a free pass, but just because you really want those things done.  If it's providing money to hire someone else to do them, that might be a good solution.

In my experience, unless they're extremely healthy, people don't tend to see a need to change unless there's some leverage (unless they stand to lose something) or unless it's a very easy change.

I know the stresses of acting like a single parent so well.  It's not fair.  We need to find ways to ease the burden that we can count on.  Take good care of yourself.



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~*Service Worker*~

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Tash,

I love your response to Betty's post and especially your willingness to hire help if it helps you - I think that is a really empowering option. This is about what you need to prevent the burnout that you are feeling. It is about finding ways that empower you to feel good about how well you manage your life.

I agree with others here about our fatigue not being noticed. I dropped two and a half dress sizes and AH's only comment was that I was looking thin. No understanding of how that might have been connected to my tears, and lets face it, tantrums! Good luck with figuring out the chores and the division of labour. BTW, when I mentioned the possibility of hiring some help around the house AH started talking about getting a live in maid instead of me. Not such a bad idea with hindsight!!

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~*Service Worker*~

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He is not drinking because of the work stress, or if someone dies, or if he stubs his toe, he is an addict/alcoholic.

There is no use telling him something he already knows He is an adult and has to suffer his own choices and consequences.

Al Anon teaches us how to gauge our own life. If we need to slow down, we slow down. We can only do so much. When my AH was here, he worked a very hard career, but he mowed the law, built me a barn, fed the animals off and on. He did his part and i did mine. I would say it is your turn to cook tonight. Leave it to him. i had to invite him to do some things. As an A in recovery he did not just think of things. He said I don't know a lot, and it was true. sigh I loved him so very very much.

What would be your goal of venting to him? Not like you will get what you need, do you think?

It's not easy being married to an A on program or not. For me I just loved the man, drunk or not, sick or not whatever. Of course when he got so he never laughed, never smiled, stunk, and then was horribly abusice physically that was that.

It's so much more what are going to do to help yourself? Hire someone to do some things? Make a schedule for yourself to spread things out? Get a smaller home? Whatever

Or be able to sit and not fold the cloths or do dishes for a day. What can you do for you to do better at taking care of your needs and desires, even if it is time for a nap, or to read or go take a class?

hugs!



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon

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