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Post Info TOPIC: Debating myself


Senior Member

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Debating myself


Hello everyone! Sometimes I find myself really having great debates with myself, when I catch myself I say OOOPs and remember to turn it over, relax, etc. Lately my debate with myself comes about when every time I attend a house activity with my AH, I am bombarded with his housemates, counselors, croinies whatever asking me How is he doing or isn't he just doing great or we can't wait till he starts helping guys out even more. Saturday night one of the house counselors asked me if I was (insert my name) and I said Well it depends on who is asking, he said well I am so and so and how is AH doing, isn't he really progressing and on and on and on...when he finished I said I wouldn't know or be able to comment because I see him 3 hours a week, the true test is when he comes home, if he ever does....the man didn't like the answer and walked away.

I don't really care how he presents himself to anyone in his program. I don't or won't say how he is doing and generally say I don't know how he is doing, why don't you ask him, which really throws them for a loop LOL. The think I start debating with myself on is that honestly I don't know how he is doing other than what he tells me as far as progress, we don't see each other or talk much to know how we are doing as a couple, then I start wondering as it gets closer and closer for him to get home visits if I even want that to happen because of no help for us a couple and because I still see and hear many of the old "using" behaviors frequently when I do see him or talk to him.

My mind starts talking to itself one half takes one stance and the other takes the other stance. I have written a pros and cons list on the matter, then just put that in my God box and tell myself to be quiet and let my HP show me the way to what is good, right and just for me.



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Linda

Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries

Matthew 6:34



~*Service Worker*~

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From the outside, I can see why they ask those questions of you - its what they think you all have in common - him. On the other hand, its none of their business what you think about how he's doing - and you've been there before with him - the others have not. And if it were me, at some point I'd get really tired of the focus being on him and about him every time I visited - in large part because I, too, exist and there is something that feels kind of icky to me when there is always so much attention and energy that seems directed towards my A's well-being as if he's some star in a show and very little directed to or about me and my wellbeing while I'm there. It might not be reasonable of me to think that way or to feel that way, but after picking up after a grown person's messes for so long, being in and out of rehabs on his behalf, and being put in a position where it feels as if the rehab staff and the other guests and my husband all look to me to provide everything to include an outside consultation and free analysis for all who ask as if I'm simply "one of the many" there to tend to another human being's recovery, I'd begin to feel a bit used. Then, I'd leave, maybe go back to my car - look around and see - now who is here and who is at my home or in my workplace who is concerned about me and how well I'm doing or how my recovery's going? Again - not necessarily reasonable but I might still think it and I might still feel it.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Tuesday 16th of September 2014 02:10:05 PM

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Dear Linda I love how you process this to the end. I agree, HP will guide you through this and the right answer will appear.

On the subject of your visits to the sober house, I think if I was asked how my spouse was doing, I would respond(with a smile) that my alanon sponsor has suggested that I keep the focus on myself and that talking about others is a form of gossiping--a defect that i am working to overcome.



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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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That's it, just keep working on you. I like your attitude towards this, of course you don't know how he is doing, and why would staff ask you that, it should be their job to tell you how he is doing, and re-integrating him into the family.

It *is* up to you as to whether he comes home. It sounds like you are keeping an open, yet vigilant mind on that subject. That's good too.

If house activities would have been so painful for me when AW was in rehab, I probably would have just stopped going, even when I was before Al Anon. It was emotional enough when things were going pretty well, I had too many other duties, including my son and work and cooking and all the other things that I had become responsible for to have to be upset from visits.

Kenny

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Senior Member

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Kenny, it's so funny you brought up the aspect of the activities always being so painful. Sunday the house had a pass to go to the zoo. We have a world renowned zoo in my state and I love going, trouble is it's out of my budget. My AH has said for weeks when the house went again he would pay my way in. Silly me, I believed that. Of course he couldn't pay my way in on Sunday. I footed the bill for myself which is fine I wanted to go. Next, he tells me to show up at 12 so I did, they showed up 10 minutes late and we ended up sitting on a curb waiting another 45 minutes for the other bunch from another house to show up because they all have to go in together. He just couldn't understand that I was upset and that every single time there is an activity something like this happens. He doesn't understand that I have household chores, lawn work, animals, gardens to attend to on the weekends and time is precious. He also couldn't appreciate the fact that I had to pay my way in and he was eating up my time with him, my money and I didn't appreciate that I had to pay for spending an hour or less at the zoo.

I started to cry and walked away so I could call my Mom and sister because not only was I frustrated I felt an incredible urge to just sock right in the mouth when he was yammering on about how I need to understand that they just can't ever be on time, they are alcoholic/addicts and he can't control anything and blah, blah, blah. I know my Mom and Sister care about me, I could vent and get the tears out while not in his presence and they would encourage me to just go ahead and go into the zoo and let him figure out how to find me and that if he had to leave then so what I could stay and enjoy my time. My sponsor was next on my call list and she advised the same. I ended up drying up the tears, letting go of the anger, went with him put on my happy smiley face, blew sunshine up his arse made like everything was peaches and cream and he was all happy. Me too, because once he was gone, I enjoyed the rest of the day in peace and happiness!

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Linda

Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries

Matthew 6:34

PP


~*Service Worker*~

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You are doing great Linda.  It sounds to me as though you are in the land of narcissists at the home.  I am not sure I would put myself through the torture anymore.



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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Good for you! You are aware and you are not taking any boloney.

Not sure about that counselor. Maybe they are going more on day at a time. Today he is doing well. For you it is  marriage, a lifetime, so you really are more aware of his still using A behavior.

Until he gets out in the world, facing deaths, job loss, bumping heads, whatever who knows what his program will be like.

Plus he is the age he started using. You don't go from age 15 to 32 or whatever in four months! It takes years of challenges, life to grow up! Plus an A matures so differently than a non A.

I love how you are taking care of you. Not telling them what they want to hear and see.

I went to my A when he was doing his classes on addiction. they were at lunch in a park. I sat close, touched him as i always did drunk or not. I loved him for him. Just becuz he may have been a jerk did not change how i reacted to him. He was still my guy.

We all love differently and have been hurt differently. My AH only really hurt himself.

anyway not sure why i shared that. I think it is becuz Al Anon, mip helped me to stay with him as long as I could using skills.

I like your progress so much. I hope you are having fun yourself and doing positive things!



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon



~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks Linda, you've really helped me with this post, I had a similar conversation with our hopeless couples counsellor this week. It seems to me that no one says 'thank you' or 'well done, it must have been tough'. Hey ho, there I go with expectations again Anyway, we aren't the only people who see the alcoholics as stars methinks.

I'm so pleased that you got to enjoy the zoo and made the best of the day. It really is great seeing you looking after yourself.

Debilyn, you are a very special person. ((((Hugs))))


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~*Service Worker*~

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I get that it is like visiting someone in prison almost. It's degrading and demeaning in many ways for you to even HAVE to deal with those conditions. Check that - you DONT have to. He should be grateful you visit at all. Yes, he is right that he can't help the program being late and messed up or poorly run and that's not his fault but he could be more sensitive to your feelings and the fact that it's asking ALOT that you even be there in the first place and submit to these conditions just to spend time with your husband and go on an outing.

As an aside, it took me about 2 years into recovery to realize I should not get a medal for doing things that normal people do every day. Things like being on time, cleaning up for myself, paying all my bills....I thought I deserved major slack and total praise for doing that stuff. Someone burst my bubble in a meeting once when they shared "You do not get a medal just for doing stuff normal adults are supposed to do every day." My point - that egocentric quality takes a good couple of years of working a really good program to start changing. Not saying "be patient" as I know you are tired of hearing that too. I'm saying I get it. I was that way. I wouldn't blame anyone for not wanting to be in a relationship with my self centered self at that time...Current me is repulsed by how I used to act and think.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I debate myself a lot over decisions I make. I understand what you're saying. My opinion is that your husband sounds like he is just going through the motions of recovery. Like a dry drunk. That's what my AH is acting like, and he isn't in a program. I've decided that even though my AH supposedly isn't drinking, he does a lot of things I don't agree with. We are on different paths in life. This may be the same with you guys.

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Living life one step at a time

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