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Post Info TOPIC: Between a rock and a hard place


Newbie

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Posts: 3
Date:
Between a rock and a hard place


My AH is 3 years and 10 months sober. I guess I thought things would be better by now, but they actually seem worse.

In the first year he quit drinking, I was basically holding on with white knuckles, waiting to see how things would play out--would he even stay sober? He did.

Second year, I decided to get myself together and starting going to meetings, reading here a lot, going to individual and couples therapy, and learning all I could get my hands on about alcoholism/codependence, family systems, spirituality, you name it, I read it. Things seemed to be getting a bit better. I was definitely getting better and our relationship seemed to be as well.

Things got so good in fact, we decided to move toward the end of sober year #2. We'd been toying with the idea for many years and finally seemed to be in a more stable place to make a decision like that. We didn't move far, but did get a bigger house with a mortgage, which we absolutely can afford and would not have done if we couldn't. Well, this seems like it must have been some sort of trigger for AH. He spent the whole 3rd year of his sobriety freaking out about money. Things like...we can't afford for our 12 year old to order a meal not on the kids menu, can't afford a new pair of tennis shoes for the 9 year old, can't afford braces, I insisted on the braces so then we couldn't afford the trip to a neighboring state for spring break, could no longer afford the religious based high school we had planned on for the kids. And so on and so on...all of which I knew was not true, but was some sort of weird power struggle. So, I mostly ignored it (accepted that he has fear around this and left him to figure it out for himself) and went on about my life being mainly very happy and peaceful. Until...just a few weeks ago, apparently now we have a very large amount of money that our accountant said we should do something with--invest or otherwise. Hmmm...what? I just spent a year listening to how broke we are. AH actually suggested I might want to buy a fancy sports car (yes, for me and the 4 kids), to which I responded no thank-you, I just want the kids to get braces if they need them and for them to be able to go to the high school they want to. Well, that pissed him off big time. 

Meanwhile, while trying to discuss these new issues popping up, AH quits couples therapy and says any problems left in the marriage are mine to fix. Apparently, "everybody at AA" loves him, his employees love him, "everyone" says how much he's changed so he's done all the work he's going to do. Period, no negotiation. In fact, he even mentioned that he has no ego anymore. He tells me he sees everything with extreme clarity these days and I have lots of problems but he has none. (This is basically what he would say when he was drinking.)

I admit, I still have stuff to work on. I didn't grow up in an alcoholic family (he did), but I don't think I've done all the work I need to after being in an alcoholic marriage for 17 years. I figure it might just take me the rest of my life biggrin, and I'm good with that. I'm grateful for his alcoholism, it's pushed me to really figure out who I am. I have learned so much about myself, about alcoholism, about families, about being vulnerable, about my spirituality, about surrender, about my connection to others and to my HP. All these things have set me on a path toward peace. Which I realize is the most important thing in my life--my own inner peace. I can't make others happy but I sure can choose it for myself!

Anyway, AH is currently very angry that there are things we need to discuss, but I feel that I can't because he tends to overreact, and I won't put myself in that position anymore. I told him I'd talk about things with a therapist there with us, but not just us alone-I don't trust him. But of course, he doesn't need therapy.  Catch 22.

He keeps threatening to leave, get a separation, divorce, whatever and I just keep telling him that's not what I want. I would like to work this out, with the help of a therapist (or 2 or 3). But that he should do what he feels is best for him and for the kids. And if that means he has to leave, then I guess he has to. I certainly don't want to make him miserable if it's me that's causing it.

My problem is, I really don't want my kids alone with him any regular amount of time. The older they get, they more I see him trying to manipulate them and pull them into his craziness. At least when I'm there, I feel like I can talk to them after an altercation and give them a different point of view. And if he leaves, he will try to get 50% custody and he will get it. He doesn't drink and drive with them in the car anymore, that's a plus if he's trying to get custody! A little harder for me to try and prove the effects of stinkin thinkin on the kids. I don't have a lot a hope for getting full custody.

Sigh. Sorry for the rant. I guess I keep looking for an answer, is it really worth it to keep trying to make this work? Maybe I am the one that is totally batpoop crazy! All I do know is that I have learned that how I react helps me to maintain my inner peace and happiness and so for now I can live with the discomfort of a still unhealthy relationship if it's better for my kids. I know I'm teaching them what an unhealthy relationship looks like, me and the kids actually talk about that and how everyone in an alcoholic family is affected-whether we like it or not! And how alcoholics aren't bad people, they're just sick and doing the best they can.

But really, it is exhausting sometimes. Does it ever get better? Thanks for reading. Sorry, this got really long!

 

 



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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2200
Date:

Welcome to MIP Bluesky, (((((Hugs)))))

I'm sorry that you are finding yourself in this position, I can relate to it a lot. My husband is one year sober this week and, like you, I thought things would be better than they are. Expectations really can be a bore can't they!

I think that AH and I are fearful of relinquishing control in our lives because we have not accepted the proof that we actually did not have much control in the past. It gets in the way of our accepting things as they are and having a good relationship. It sounds as if you have enough experience to know that you can not change your husband's behaviour, only your reaction to it. What can you do to enjoy life and establish security for yourself? My husband and I sometimes wear ourselves out trying to fix each other and ourselves rather than enjoying the moment for what it is, we've become used to problem solving and don't really know how to behave when all is going well - does that even make sense?!

What is it about your husband that you don't trust? Are there areas that you can trust him on? If so, how do you show it? I get distrustful of AH when I am not really trusting myself, when I'm thinking of leaving or wanting to change things. When I take the focus off myself and start putting AH under the microscope. These are the questions that I ask myself - when I remember and feel mindful!

Also, I try to make time for myself so that I can recuperate and rest. I want to return to being the happy joyous person that I thought I was and that I would like to be again.

I think that you will find that there are lots of folks here with lots of experience. I know that I have enjoyed Alanon and the learning and acceptance that it has brought to my life. I hope you will stick around.



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Veteran Member

Status: Offline
Posts: 25
Date:

Hi Bluesky and welcome.  The topic Money is one of our Alanon topics.  There are readings about it in our daily readers.  Your husband and you are both experiencing angst over money.  It's a very deep topic and one of primary causes for break up of a marriages.  I've feared earning it,  not earning it, managing it and allowed it to be my hp at times. I've experienced some awful fall out when doing without it, joy when having a windfall and false friends depending on my financial situation.  I'm learning to put money in it's proper context through working this program.  I understand where you're coming from concerning spending money on logical things for your kids and daily life. That seems essential to me.  Everyone has their own family and personal history around money and I think we bring this thinking into our adulthood.  Couples doing a fourth step inventory around money can bring some very interesting things to light.  I hope you luck working through this together and separately. Glad you found us and hope you'll keep coming back to recovery with us. (((hugs)))   TT



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Dear Blue Sky, welcome to MIP. I'm glad that you reached out and shared your concerns ,hopes and dreams. I can so identify with your experience with an alcoholic in recovery and have also wondered if there was any hope in keeping on . I am glad that I found Al-Anon and chose to work the steps, get a sponsor and attend meetings. It is here that I finally understood that I was not alone and I received the support , unconditional love and new constructive tools to live by. I also learned that it was in Al-Anon meetings that I could find myself and receive the courage to share my inner thoughts, dreams, fears.

Al-Anon also suggested that I make no major life changes for the first six months to a year in program and I found that was a very wise idea as well. By attending the meetings and using the tools I found a new way of thinking , feeling, responding to life. With this change I was also able to see a different road available to my life and my family.
Please keep coming back there is hope and help


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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
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