Al-Anon Family Group

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.

Members Login
Username 
 
Password 
    Remember Me  
Post Info TOPIC: First post here-dipping my toe in the water.


Newbie

Status: Offline
Posts: 1
Date:
First post here-dipping my toe in the water.


Not sure what the protocol is for new members,but here goes:

    Married to an incredible man for 25 years,he's been drinking for about 30,so it's not as though I went into this blind. He's always said he's not an alcoholic because he doesn't fit what he believes an alcoholic is. Our marriage is surprisingly stable given the upheaval of his drinking(not an every day thing,but when he did go out,he always came home late and drunk-after having driven). I consider him my best friend and soul mate. Our children,even the grown ones,do not know he has a drinking problem. HE didn't know he had a drinking problem until two weeks ago.

    Two weeks ago,he hit his bottom-drove home from the bar,barely able to walk. He got into bed,and passed out,somewhere around 5:30am. I got up and went about the business of being a mom to what amounts to a basketball team :)  While I was doing this,my educated,well read,well employed husband peed the bed he was so passed out. I was out of the house running errands,and turns out he had a revelation or two and when I got home,he talked to me about them. First off was him saying he is an alcoholic and probably has been his entire adult life. He said that he cannot control his drinking and realizes he has to stop drinking,period. The night before came to him in bits and pieces and he's ashamed of what he remembers and doesn't want to know the things he forgot. He's been sober since then-14 days. He is not doing AA nor seeing a counselor.

    I've never been much of a joiner,but I know how desperately I need help turning over his sobriety to him. I hate being worried about when/if he'll start drinking again. I hate wondering if he'll keep his word. I'm at a stage where I'm starting to get angry at him for doing this. I'm angry that his attitude towards my concerns is "I said I'll stop and so I'll stop" and that anything else is me worrying about nothing. Really?

    I know theres a better way to frame this,but I'm not seeing it. Totally open to ideas from those further along than I am in this journey. Getting to a meeting is problematic with all the kids,one of whom has extreme medical needs and who I take care of at home.



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1896
Date:

HI Lynn,

Good first post, don't worry about protocol here, just tell your story, and you did. I'm so happy you have been happily married for so long, and that you still believe he is your soulmate after 25 years, that doesn't happen often.

When my alcoholic wife returned from her 2nd inpatient therapy last December, I joined Al Anon, for exactly the same reasons. I had a lot of anger with her that I needed to deal with, and also wanted to make sure I didn't keep shoving her alcoholism back in her face. I achieved both - most of the time.

I encourage you to look around the board here. There are also online meetings twice a day. The chatroom is excellent after meetings as well, you can get online help that way. perhaps after you have done this a little while you will feel the need for a face-to-face meeting but, in the meantime there are a lot of resources here.

Alcoholism is a progressive disease, meaning that it gets worse, and has no cure. There are people who have kicked it cold turkey and just walked away, but the fact that he has been drinking for 30 years m ay make that hard to accomplish.

But the important thing here is you. Learn more about alcoholism, then learn more about yourself. By learning more about both those things, you can help your anger and worrying. By doing the same steps that AA does, you will come to a better grip of how to leave your alcoholic alone yet love your husband.

Keep coming back

Kenny

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

Either he will find out the hard way he cannot just stop on his own or he will be one of those that can do it....There are some...albeit few. Either way, those are his lessons to learn and it's not under your control. Try online meetings here and keep posting! Welcome!!

__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1133
Date:

Welcome Lynn-

You will find so much strength and support right here.  Glad you found us and keep coming back.  The best thing I ever did for myself was start attending Alanon meetings, reading the literature, getting a sponsor, coming here.

Mary



__________________


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 17196
Date:

Welcome Lynn, thank you for your honesty and clarity. I can certainly identify with much of what you shared . I was not much of a joiner myself and thought that I could not connect in any fashion with a group even though I was feeling lost , confused lonely and desperate , I am so glad that when I finally reached out to Al-Anon, I found a corner of the world that was filled with love, compassion, wisdom and the most nonjudgmental supportive people that I have ever met. It is at face-to-face meetings that I first broke the isolation caused by living with this disease, learned how to trust others as well as myself and developed constructive, supportive tools that enabled me to regain my self-esteem and self-worth.  The on line meetings here will give you that suport as well. 

Alcoholism is a dreadful progressive disease over which were powerless and the best support we can give to our families, including the alcoholic is to learn new constructive tools to help ourselves.
Please keep coming back there is hope.



__________________
Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 2200
Date:

Welcome Lynn,

I like your post a lot, you have a lot of self awareness. I found that when AH stopped drinking my anger and resentments surfaced. I thought that I would be a loving, happy wife when AH stopped drinking but if anything I became sulky and a bit sarky. And of course that made me angry with myself as well!! Finally AH was 'in the room' and I felt as though I should be able to tell him how scared I had been. I felt as though he should be showing gratitude to me because I had stood by him. Silly expectations!

I love these boards and my Alanon friends because they understand that these thoughts are keeping me locked into the alcoholic world. Yesterday I went for a long and, as it turns out, challenging walk and ended up caught on the mountain top after dark. All turned out ok, I found the track that led me home safely and as I was going to sleep last night I rejoiced that it was memories of my walk, my achievements of the day, that occupied my mind. For too many years it has been thoughts of AH that have kept me from sleeping.

I'm pleased to hear that your husband has had a moment of self awareness and has chosen to act on it. I'm not sure if my experience would be relevant for you, but I found that if I kept on living my own life and gave AH the space to reconnect with his life then we got on a lot better. If I try to explain my past experiences to him or try to delve too much in what he is doing to help himself then I am simply reminding him of things that make him feel ashamed. And no one wants to feel that way.

When I connected with others who had been through similar circumstances via Alanon I felt their love and understanding. I also found that I learnt from the experiences of others about what might help me to start living my life to the full.

It is completely and utterly normal to feel angry and upset. So what things can you do to make you feel proud and good about yourself? Be kind and forgiving to yourself and I do hope that you will stick around - I like your clarity!



__________________
Page 1 of 1  sorted by
 
Quick Reply

Please log in to post quick replies.