Being so dependent my alcoholic - Al-Anon Family Group

phiphi · Member

Being so dependent my alcoholic

Luiza · Senior Member

Hi.
This can be classed as financial abuse. I don't know which country you are from? Do you have any kind of agencies in your country that deal with domestic abuse?
Maybe you can start writing down everything, your income/his income/household bills, and write a journal about your conversations regarding money/payments etc.
You can use all the info to build up your case and refresh your memory when you need to remember details.

milkwood · ~*Service Worker*~

Hello Phiphi, thank you for reaching out.

This sounds like financial abuse to me as well. I do not know how open your husband is to talking about this issue, I know that when my husband was active drinking it would probably have landed me up in tears, feeling rejected and unsupported.

If you have a list of what your weekly expenditure is going to be perhaps you can go through it together, discussing whether or not there is enough income to cover the bills and, if not, what items can be cut or how income can be increased. By the way, I think that becoming confident and gaining self respect are two wonderful things that should be encouraged. If your husband does not feel confident enough about himself to be able cope with (and celebrate) you feeling good about yourself that is a problem that he needs to sort out for himself (IMHO). Please don't let his needs stop you from thriving.

missmeliss · ~*Service Worker*~

He's telling you quite openly that he wants to be in control of you, and he is using money to do it. I'm surprised he is so blatant about it.
I find that really very worrying. I think milkwood is right, this is an insecurity issue for him, if he believes he needs to keep you "unconfident" to be respectful of him. but whateverit is, it doesn't matter what he thinks. Personally I would not be able to function in such a controlling situation. There's no point trying to argue with him; is there a way for you to reclaim your independence without involving him?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Your fear is speaking. There is no way to see so far into the future that you can predict that you won't have money to support yourself and your child. Trying to negotiate with a disease that wants to control you only keeps you dependent on that disease. Recognizing there is a power greater than your husband and his disease that is present to help you support yourself and your child comes with entering into the Al-Anon program and working the steps. My x also controlled finances - because I let him. He was also abusive in all other ways. My concern is that you are very isolated and that your AH, if not physically abusive now will become that if you attempt to take care of yourself in ways that honor your independence and your ability to support yourself with the help of your HP. Attending Al-Anon meetings and calling your local Domestic Assault Center or the National Hotline for Domestic Abuse for guidance before you attend Al-Anon face to face meetings might be a suggestion to consider in your current circumstances. The more support we have, the better for us. If you can't attend Al-Anon meetings face to face, we have on-line meetings here in the morning and at night that you can attend. Keep coming back here, too, but remember to log out so that you have some kind of privacy. If your AH is anything like my X, he watches everything you do. A safe place to come for support like MIP is kept safer if you close out any access to it from your AH.

-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 15th of September 2014 07:17:29 AM

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

i see you are in India. I know somewhat of the culture. Men consider women below them A or not. Have you always lived there or did you marry and move there?

I don't know the social programs there or if there are any.

Not knowing your situation its hard to share my experience because if you tried it your AH might hurt you.

I stopped buying his needs. If he could not give me enough, if i had this situation, I would get my and kids needs only. I don't know if you pay what bills. But you might buy food first, and other needs and not pay the power bill. When it gets turned off he suffers too.

Do you have any support for women there at all? Are there any support groups for abused women?

I am so glad you found us. I hope you return and answer some quetions so we might be able to support you.

How many kids do you have? hugs! Keep coming back please!

phiphi · Member

Hey everyone,
Thank you for your concern and advice. I have 4 kids, so the question of supporting them on my own may be feasible, but not too practical. One day if things get too bad, maybe. I believe he was trying to control me by trying to supress my financial freedom. The first week he gave me just a part of what I asked. Then a few days later he gave me a small fraction - never the full amount. Whenever I reminded him of the money required he would behave like some angry emperor who was doing me a favor all the while complaining I "spend too much".
This is how I am dealing with it. I was really angry when he gave that small change (just a fraction of what was required) the second time. But I knew I had to act without the anger. So I got money from another source and went about running the house as required. One morning when he was sober, I pasted a big list of regular bills and expenses on his mirror. Then I took the courage to remind him again that this money was not for myself but for the whole family, that I need the whole amount at one time.
It was as if some "spirit" that possessed him till then was lifted away, and he suddenly changed, became humble, and has now paid for all that I have spent. The next time he resorts to this harrasment, I will have to do something like - stop his morning eggs or his dinner ham or his favorite TV channels as "austerity measures"
I come from a remote part of India where systems for "women's rights" and "domestic violence" do not work. But I do have a supportive church group and very very understanding and supportive family (my in-laws). It is still difficult and I am so thankful I came across MIP and al-anon. I have learnt so much and with help from my HP, I have changed so much in just a few weeks.
Glad to be here!

Phiphi

Luiza · Senior Member

I am glad to hear that your plan worked for now, re money.
Please keep coming back.

hotrod · ~*Service Worker*~

{Phiphi) Good work. I am so vey happy to read of your success and am proud to be sharing the journey with you. Remember that one day at a time, focused on yourself, trusting HP really works.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.