There are a few things that I have come to realize in terms of the divorce and how long that it's taken.  That is a good thing.  I could have done without the expense .. there is a reason it did take this long and I am feeling mentally and emotionally healthier than I have for a long time.  Like since I left my first ex .. even better than that I feel like I'm getting to know myself. 

My favorite sayings .. I just don't look good in prison orange .. STBAX has already used the "get out of free jail card" in the deck .. I don't have the luxury of going there. 

Where I was almost 3 years ago is such a different place than I am today .. I'm actually probably far more stubborn than I ever hope to be now than I was before .. the difference is that I have a back bone and it's not out of self defense if it's crap and I'm going to call it crap and I'm done eating crap one spoonful at a time and calling that "normal" or "healthy".  I can also see where others have their own paths to walk and all I can do is let them know there really is a light at the end of the tunnel.  No one else has to walk my path .. people can walk next to me .. they still don't walk my path .. I do that with the God of my understanding and I'm grateful for the company after all of the covert control that the A exercised and I let him in my life .. it doesn't matter if I make mistakes .. it only matters that I'm able to move forward without someone telling me I should be somewhere I'm not ready to be .. I'm soooo grateful for my sponsor .. LOL.  God love that woman .. she has the patience of Job. 

If my divorce had gone quickly and even quietly it would have been a nightmare for me personally.  I would have been the person with the OP instead of my STBAX .. I would have been the one who looked down right crazy.  At least now I have had enough time to heal and know what I want.  I can do so in a much emotionally calmer way AND I'm willing to take a stand and say that is NOT ok and NO I don't have to take being treated badly .. it doesn't matter that he has a sickness .. I wouldn't take this behavior from someone who has cancer anymore than someone who doesn't.  I have clear boundaries that others do respect because I am learning to respect myself. 

So in a weird way I'm grateful .. grateful that this has taken as long as it has .. it has been difficult to watch the kids struggle through this and pretty much it leaves me to wonder what their future holds .. I have no doubt if asked today if they wanted to get married and have children they would both respond with a strong NO!  You know what .. that is ok .. they have time and I would be extremely concerned if they didn't have such reservations after having to have been a part of this mess.   So out of this I hope they understand their self worth, self esteem, and how valuable they are as children so they can make some different decisions than what their dad and I have made. 

Perceptions .. that was another one .. my perceptions of my past is changing .. that is a good thing .. it is easier to see the good without glossing over the bad and for that I am grateful as well.  I had a difficult conversation with my mom and I was able to respond in a much different way and redirected the conversation instead of going down the same tired path.  THAT is a good thing and that I feel good about .. she started in on something that happened 14 years ago and I just said I'm not having this conversation again mom .. we have each expressed ourselves over it many times and nothing has changed anymore today than the last time we had this conversation .. it's time to move on.  I think it shocked her and I absolutely had that moment of dejvu (sp?) the one where the other person says this so you say that and then this happens and this is said .. OMGOSH .. honestly .. when I already know the conversation why bother .. it's like dealing with the alcoholic .. I know he will say this and I will say that and he will do this and I will just sit and eat my popcorn while the drama plays out .. it's like watching a bad movie on late night TV .. what were some good ones .. Satan's Cheerleaders is the one I remember best .. those movies that right after a breakup used to be on late night TV before there were 1000 channels to choose from.  LOL .. this one didn't come on during my break up with the STBAX .. I also didn't have cable at the time either.  It has taken a LOT of time for my perception to change and because I think the way I do I tend to believe I should be further than I really should I rush my healing and wind up with huge backslides. 

This whole thing with the Mark Sanford(?) has anyone else been following this bizzaro story?  He made this HUGE FB post about breaking up with the woman he had the affair with while blaming it all on the ex wife .. LOL .. OMGOSH .. it was trite and I'm sorry .. however WOW .. if this guy isn't an addict of some kind I don't know what he is all I could hear was my STBAX whining and crying about how hard I've made his life .. after all it's all my fault he continues to behave illegally, immorally, and so on.  Maybe in some ways I could have made things easier divorce wise .. he has done nothing to make things easy for me .. at every turn there is new information that he just continues to make things more difficult.  His part is his part and I will not own the mess he's made.  I will own my part .. that is it.  This guy Mark Sanford signed away his rights to his children (gave the ex sole custody and is now shocked and dismayed that she's still angry, no visitation with the kids and so on .. very similar issues at hand and she's not a stupid woman), his pretense of oh my children, my children, my children all the while throwing their mother under the bus as to how hard she's made things (I don't want to drag her through the mud .. LOL .. yes, post it all to FB and talk about no mud) .. I'm not saying she's an angel .. heaven knows I have had to sort through a lot of anger over the past 3 years that has nothing to do with my STBAX and everything to do with my past.  I'm sure in her case this was not the first infidelity, he just got caught and had a heavy price to pay for it.  wah wah wah.   Anyway, that post really smacked me between the eyes and I just was floored by the fact of how people in general rationalize, minimize and justify their bad behavior.  With no regard to anyone except how they are perceived by others .. it really just floored me to no end.  Personal responsibility .. it is a gift .. it's kind of like common sense .. if you have it you are not blessed you are cursed because it's an ability that not everyone is capable of doing.  It is what it is .. just accepting personal responsibility without putting the blame somewhere else .. OMGOSH .. it would be soooo healing for everyone involved me and the kids specifically.  I know that is absolutely an unrealistic expectation to have as my STBAX has such personality disorders and just to get emotionally sober and spiritually fit would be years.  It wouldn't be about him it would be about the kids and myself.  I'm not angry in the sense of being the woman scorned anymore .. I'm irritated that he won't just do what he's legally suppose to do.  I'm irritated that he behaves like an alcoholic .. lol .. I know not fair .. it is what it is .. it's like having the fly that buzzes in your ear late at night and wakes you as you are just getting to sleep.  It's that kind of irritation .. still there not yet gone. 

I guess I'm still in this place of I'm not just going to roll over and walk away .. I don't think that's wrong .. it is not ok to throw people away .. he has the means to support his obligations .. he chooses not to .. not my issue.  This is such a principle issue for me not a personality thing.  I think that the laws should be sooo different when it comes to support kids/spouse issues it should be much harder to get away with the crap that happens. 

A little of where I am at .. still a scrapper .. lol.  Maybe my new line of work needs to be more in the issue of fighting to change the laws to make it easier for single parents to get the support they deserve without having to continually fight for it .. that part is so unfair. 

Hugs S :)