I don't see how our marriage can work - Al-Anon Family Group

littlelionman · Veteran Member

I don't see how our marriage can work

Debilyn · ~*Service Worker*~

welcome, you are on the right track.

Believe me your home is not stable. Kids can feel the tension and know things are not right.

As they get older it gets worse.

A's bodies continue to be destroyed and they get much much worse over time. Remember they have a broken brain, no use in trying to figure them out.

It's so hard to have to face all this. You have the right to decide what you want in your life. Making a safe home for the kids is sooo important.

We all decide for ourselves when we have had enough. It helps to really understand the disease and face the facts before we make any huge decisions. I know for me I had to be sure.

hope to see you continue to come to MIP!

Luiza · Senior Member

Thanks for sharing.
I am going through a marriage break down too at the moment.
But my H is resisting and making everything very difficult. We need time a part because he can be very unreasanable and agressive, and this is simply not a good environment for my daughter.
I always thought about separation, even before Al-Anon, but I always was unsure if it was the right thing to do. Always worried about taking my daughter away from her dad. But even her agrees with me, that life is becoming unmanageble due to my H's drinking. She is 7 and never been to a meeting.
My H says I start going to meetings to make things better but it made everything worse....I suddenly 'dont't care anymore'. He refuses to understand that meetings make things better for me NOT for him. I stopped enabling him, he no longer have excuses to get drunk a part from his own addiction that he won't addimit.
I don't even have 6 months in Al-Anon but everything changed very quick in my home life since I started.
I know a couple who is a live example of what a marriage should be. They behave like partners and work as 'a team' for the benefit of their family, I see how they are able to trust and rely on each other unconditionally, how they support each other and how they are involved in each other's life. They are my clients of 4.5 years and I look after their child since the baby was 2 months old. Since interacting with them on daily basis for so long, I realise how dysfunctional my relationship is and how my H is far from my ideal of partner and father (but I thank God he is still an ok father and he does love my daughter despite his own struggles)
Before this couple the only example of marriages I knew were dysfunctional.

I am very sad that my daughter will have to grow up in a broken family, but I am hoping I am teaching her that she doesn't need to put up with abuse and that she would be better alone than with a lousy partner.

I think you will know when you are ready to make decisions. Also remember: progression not perfection.

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

My smile became more pronounced the more I read about the many changes you have already made with the help of the Al-Anon program. You appear to have taken to it like a duck to water. The disease may progress in her and it may not. She could always choose to enter a recovery program on her own. It only takes 1 decision at any time of the night or day and a follow through on that decision. Meanwhile, you are working on you and that will affect your children in a positive way. Many kudos to you. Keep showing up at meetings and come back here, too.

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Your post is wise though I know you are in conflict and at a crossroads. It sounds like this is where you are supposed to be at in terms of your questioning and growth. You are doing well and your share reflects good inventory work on your part.

littlelionman · Veteran Member

Thanks for the support guys!

@ debilyn - My home isn't stable, but it's gotten better now that I control my own emotions more. But the tension is always lurking...as if she craves it. The more calm I act the more rattled she seem to become, and the poor woman still thinks it's my fault she feels that way. "Making a safe home for the kids is sooo important" Yes but if we divorce and share custody, how safe will they be when they're with just their mother? How confusing will it be for young kids when they experience two vastly different parenting styles? I know I've had my head in the sand for too long already...afraid to make a wrong decision. But this time is different I think...it feels like I'm working my way towards a decision and I just haven't gotten there yet. I hope.

@ luiza - I'm sorry to hear that you're going through a similar experience. And to make it worse you have to deal with an aggressive A which I can imagine makes things truly difficult. I'm grateful that my wife isn't overtly abusive, at least. Best of luck to you and I agree...I think I'll wake up one day and know what I need to do.

@ grateful2be - Thanks for the positive words. I don't know about a duck to water, but I think I was ready to surrender when I walked through those doors. I have to credit my therapist for getting me to a point where I was ready to listen. He had to suggest al anon about 5 or 6 times combined with a mental breakdown before I finally got it through my thick skull! She might choose a recovery program on her own but I don't think she's near a bottom yet (not that I have the faintest CLUE about judging that...just a feeling), and at this point I don't know how much I should be trying to help her. I know I can't change her but maybe if I left information out she might read...or suggest music that carries a subtle message (I notice this so much now that my eyes are opening). I don't know. Either way I hope you're right about some self love having a positive affect on my kids. They need a better version of their father than they've gotten so far.

@ pinkchip - I almost had to laugh when you said good inventory work. Early on after step 1 I wanted to jump right to step 4 and start making a fearful inventory. My obsessive brain kept trying to self-diagnose what was wrong with me. I just looooved mixing that doomsday daiquiri in my brain and beat myself up a little. Thankfully I stumbled across some information that explained exactly what I was doing and why I was doing it, and it helped me stop the behavior. I guess if going through that process helped get me to where I'm at now, maybe it wasn't such a bad thing after all. But thank you...you're the first person to suggest I'm doing well in that regard.

el-cee · ~*Service Worker*~

Your doing great, thanks for sharing. I enjoyed listening to your transformation, I can see my own journey reading about yours. I agree with your own conclusion that your lack of clarity suggests your will, maybe you need more time working on yourself. Its suggested in the literature that when one family member thinks sanely then the whole family benefit. Dont be too hard on yourself for reacting, its difficult and your only human but your willing to do the work, I had to learn we cant ever be perfect. Ask your higher power for guidance.

Spur · Senior Member

I can relate to your situation concerning your kids. Ive been married 25 years, my AH has been married to his disease for the last 15 years. For a long time I tried to fix him, fix his drinking, fix our marriage. Then one day it was like the clouds parted and I had the realization I couldn't do anything about his problem just as my mother couldn't fix my alcoholic father. So, I quit trying and turned all of my attention on my kids and getting them raised and that has been my focus. My husband goes to work early and he comes home late from work, sits out in his shop and drinks 10 or 12 beers then comes in the house eats and goes to bed.

What I don't get is I am so lonely for companionship and someone to share my day with, yet he is completely satisfied with our life. I have stayed because of our kids. When they were little I would have never put them in the situation of having to spend weekends and vacations alone with their Dad because he would never have taken care of them and judges don't care if a parent is an addict, they still get visitation rights. My husband isn't abusive, he only cares about himself, his business and his beer. I think my H likes the idea of being married, it's just become too bothersome for him to actually participate as a member of this family. And I think he believes I'll always be here. I don't have an emotional attachment to my H any longer. He has killed any love I ever had for him and like you, I learned to stop arguing. It was too time consuming and he never attempted to change his behaviors. It only wore me down and made me feel like a failure for marrying someone like my father.

So, as my two youngest are in high school this year it hits me...four more years and my kids will be gone and I'll be left here with my AH. We have no life together. I will die a slow death if I stay here after my youngest graduates. I've been dying a slow death for several years emotionally already so I decided I needed to start working on myself and ended up on this website. I am an ACoA and I'm married to an alcoholic so finding this website has been a Godsend. Needless to say I have my own issues to resolve before I pack my bags but I have already found a lot of hope and understanding here.

Absolutely take your time before you make any big life changing decisions. If you and your daughter are not in any danger, you can continue to live in your marriage until you have enough tools in your tool box to live happily and successfully outside your marriage and continue to raise and nurture your daughter.

Flower49 · Senior Member

I can relate to your post so much. My AH has now been in a sober living facility for 5 months, prior to that he was at inpatient treatment for a month. He really hasn't lived with me for about a year now because prior to inpatient treatment I threw him to the curb because I was done with the active using, the behaviors and most certainly his dealer dropping the goods off at my house!

I can tell you from my experience I am still not in the place to pull the trigger and call it quits just yet with him. I am however in a much better physical, emotional and spiritual place, probably the best I have ever been in my entire life. I owe much gratitude to Al-Anon, Co-dependents anonymous, a wonder counselor, this forum and online meetings.

I am at a place now where I am practicing mindfulness, which I am learning from a great book called Loving Someone in Recovery, I am more aware of things and listen much better now and can weigh out the pros and cons of staying with him now even though he is sober. He still has a lot of his selfish, self-seeking, immature ways, is not really to responsible to anything that has to do with our marriage, families, life, finances because as he so eloquently tells me every day he can only work his program and live with alcoholic/addicts like him 24/7, I can't keep him sober and if he comes home he will relapse. I used to get completely whacked out with those statements, now I listen and just say OK. I do however write these things down, look at them, and determine how big a problem is this, I ask myself if I can ever truly trust him and so on. I know for me when I take absolute time to process and think I get better results. When no answer comes, I turn it over and over and over to my HP and that helps me too.

I have had the old you knew I was an addict when you married me thrown in my face and I used to say yeah but you were in recovery and then a fight would ensue and I would lay out all my hurts etc and it was all to no avail. Most days when I try to get my view point across it doesn't work. I hold out no expectations for my AH to ever really be fully present in our marriage, I know he will never get there. So with that knowledge I have to ask myself how much am I willing to tolerate? I still don't know my answer, but I suspect as he tries to transition back to real life I will know and God will show me the way.

I will keep you in my prayers and keep coming back, it does work!

cloudyskies · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome to MIP. You are among a bunch of supportive friends here who have been where you are. I completely understand your anger and resentment. I even had rage. These are the emotions that will eat you alive. You are doing so well. It took me a lot longer to unravel the kinks in my life (and I'm still working on them) that my ah's drinking had caused. I agree with the others in that you are taking good inventory of yourself. Focus on yourself and listen to your HP for guidance. What ever turns out to be right for you will be the right decision for your kids.

Take care of you, and keep coming back. smile

NL14 · Veteran Member

Welcome. I, too, enjoyed reading your post. Well..."enjoyed" probably isn't quite the right word, because I hate that you've had to make these changes for the reason you've had to, but it's always great to read about how Al-Anon has helped someone. I've had much the same experiencewith Al-Anon's help I've been able to commit to my self more, taking time to give myself some of the care I've been lavishing on everyone else for so long. I have a long way to go, but the activities and habits I have in my life now are a world away from how I spent my time just a year ago.

And, sadly, like you, I have that awful thought: Even if my AH became sober, stopped all his other alcoholic behaviors, reconnected with me, etc., etc., etc., would it be enough? Or is it too late? Do I even want him to "improve". I'm not sure it matters much. I'm drained. I wish I didn't feel that way.

blessed · Senior Member

I can relate to so much of your story. Currently I am living separated from my A. The only legal thing that has happened is separating of finances for protection; it is not final yet but will be soon, I hope. But I am legally protected from any liability after the date I filed the PSA. In my state we have a 6 month waiting period before a divorce can go through. 1 year if you have minor children. I am strong, but not strong enough for that life. My A too always said in counseling, "I'm trying". But, he never did anything but to tell me QUOTE this is you, it's all you, you created this mess and nothing is going to get better until you change and love me, it is not okay to hate me END QUOTE. It went on and on, but it was all my fault. That is not trying. That is putting all of your responsibility on another person. AlAnon put my thoughts in order and I was able to think things through calmly and rationally. I lived and still do live ONE DAY AT A TIME and one day it was my day to leave after I had already detached and were basically living separate lives under the same room, but that was not enough distance. I needed to be in a different location all together. I still pray he will admit he has a problem (he still insists, "I do not have a drinking problem") and work his program and not just show up and lie to his sponsor and counselor. He tells his boss, "I am in counseling". So what. If I walk in a garage I am not a car. He goes, he sits, he lies, he drinks and he blames. But, I am no longer there to blame. Eventually, he has to look at the man in the mirror and face his own demons.

Keep working your steps, going to meeting and hope to see you here again. Sounds like you are becoming aware of more and more every day. Isn't it wonderful to see the light? It gets better and better the more you work the program and give it all over (really give it over) to your HP. You will find serenity.

littlelionman · Veteran Member

cloudyskies wrote:
What ever turns out to be right for you will be the right decision for your kids.

I struggle to know the truth of this. What's right for me is to be out of this relationship. I know it in my heart. But I've done my homework on the affects of divorce on children, and I know our divorce will hurt them. I have to make the best decision for them, but I also have to be careful that I'm not using my fears to keep me stuck. The thought of joint custody...I have many concerns. She doesn't have the ability to nurture...I know how judgmental that sounds. I have my own shortcomings I need to deal with...I'm not the most nurturing man anymore either. But I used to be. I know my potential. I enjoy giving them baths...cooking nutritious food for them...reading to them...all the things my wife could care less about. I feel like I'll have to be both mother and father to my children, and I'm not even at the point where I've got this fatherhood thing down yet. It's not that I don't think my wife has anything to offer...she does. There's a reason I fell in love with her. I think the kids might even prefer her over me in the early years given that she has no boundaries. If they ever ask to go live with her full time that will truly be a bitter pill to swallow. But I will trust that things work out as they should. Who am I to say which is a blessing and which is a curse? Who am I to even say the kids are better off with me? That said, I AM their father, and if she ever makes the mistake of putting our kids in harms way because of her alcoholism, and gives me the moral and legal obligation to take custody, I will not hesitate.

littlelionman · Veteran Member

NL14 wrote:

And, sadly, like you, I have that awful thought: Even if my AH became sober, stopped all his other alcoholic behaviors, reconnected with me, etc., etc., etc., would it be enough? Or is it too late? Do I even want him to "improve". I'm not sure it matters much. I'm drained. I wish I didn't feel that way.

I feel exactly the same way. I'm so drained and walled off to her at this point, I think the only merciful thing to do is pronounce the marriage dead.

littlelionman · Veteran Member

blessed wrote:
I can relate to so much of your story. Currently I am living separated from my A. The only legal thing that has happened is separating of finances for protection; it is not final yet but will be soon, I hope. But I am legally protected from any liability after the date I filed the PSA. In my state we have a 6 month waiting period before a divorce can go through. 1 year if you have minor children. I am strong, but not strong enough for that life. My A too always said in counseling, "I'm trying". But, he never did anything but to tell me QUOTE this is you, it's all you, you created this mess and nothing is going to get better until you change and love me, it is not okay to hate me END QUOTE. It went on and on, but it was all my fault. That is not trying. That is putting all of your responsibility on another person. AlAnon put my thoughts in order and I was able to think things through calmly and rationally. I lived and still do live ONE DAY AT A TIME and one day it was my day to leave after I had already detached and were basically living separate lives under the same room, but that was not enough distance. I needed to be in a different location all together. I still pray he will admit he has a problem (he still insists, "I do not have a drinking problem") and work his program and not just show up and lie to his sponsor and counselor. He tells his boss, "I am in counseling". So what. If I walk in a garage I am not a car. He goes, he sits, he lies, he drinks and he blames. But, I am no longer there to blame. Eventually, he has to look at the man in the mirror and face his own demons.
Keep working your steps, going to meeting and hope to see you here again. Sounds like you are becoming aware of more and more every day. Isn't it wonderful to see the light? It gets better and better the more you work the program and give it all over (really give it over) to your HP. You will find serenity.

Giving it over to a HP has been a struggle. But since just about anything out there in the universe is a power greater than myself, I know my ego is the only thing standing in the way and making me over-think this simple step. Just yesterday I drove away from our house frustrated with her. I was sitting at a red light and wondered why I keep getting angry at the same behavior. I surprised myself by saying "God, take this anger away from me!". I immediately looked out of the car window and noticed the gorgeous landscaping job that was literally 6 feet away from me. Without even realizing it I was taking deep breaths as I admired the colorful plants. By the time the light turned green I was calm and even smiled a little as I pulled away. How about THAT? :)

littlelionman · Veteran Member

Flower49 wrote:
I can relate to your post so much. My AH has now been in a sober living facility for 5 months, prior to that he was at inpatient treatment for a month. He really hasn't lived with me for about a year now because prior to inpatient treatment I threw him to the curb because I was done with the active using, the behaviors and most certainly his dealer dropping the goods off at my house!

I can tell you from my experience I am still not in the place to pull the trigger and call it quits just yet with him. I am however in a much better physical, emotional and spiritual place, probably the best I have ever been in my entire life. I owe much gratitude to Al-Anon, Co-dependents anonymous, a wonder counselor, this forum and online meetings.

I am at a place now where I am practicing mindfulness, which I am learning from a great book called Loving Someone in Recovery, I am more aware of things and listen much better now and can weigh out the pros and cons of staying with him now even though he is sober. He still has a lot of his selfish, self-seeking, immature ways, is not really to responsible to anything that has to do with our marriage, families, life, finances because as he so eloquently tells me every day he can only work his program and live with alcoholic/addicts like him 24/7, I can't keep him sober and if he comes home he will relapse. I used to get completely whacked out with those statements, now I listen and just say OK. I do however write these things down, look at them, and determine how big a problem is this, I ask myself if I can ever truly trust him and so on. I know for me when I take absolute time to process and think I get better results. When no answer comes, I turn it over and over and over to my HP and that helps me too.

I have had the old you knew I was an addict when you married me thrown in my face and I used to say yeah but you were in recovery and then a fight would ensue and I would lay out all my hurts etc and it was all to no avail. Most days when I try to get my view point across it doesn't work. I hold out no expectations for my AH to ever really be fully present in our marriage, I know he will never get there. So with that knowledge I have to ask myself how much am I willing to tolerate? I still don't know my answer, but I suspect as he tries to transition back to real life I will know and God will show me the way.

I will keep you in my prayers and keep coming back, it does work!

Thank you for keeping me in your thoughts. I hear it's a struggle to make it work even IF the A realizes they have a problem and get help. Unfortunately my wife joyfully declares "I'm a functional alcoholic!" while laughing. To her friends and family it's just a punchline...the norm. Anyone who doesn't drink daily isn't living life to the fullest! I used to laugh along with them. I'm not laughing anymore. Once I stopped laughing my wife seems to want a divorce as badly as I do. At least that's what she says, but what she says has never matched what she really thinks and feels so who knows?

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Just a little turnover and a big return for your trust. Good work, LLM.

Spur · Senior Member

I think we all probably reach a point of no return with our alcoholic spouses. In my marriage, AH has done too much damage. I could never have feelings of love for him, even if he did get sober. Too many bad memories. He has changed completely from the man I married 27 years ago.

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