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Post Info TOPIC: walls


~*Service Worker*~

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walls


Im beginning to notice some walls I have built up that I thought I had knocked down, maybe I did but some of them seem to be back. I have walls around me in most aspects of my life. In relationships, I can go so far but cant fully commit mentally, cant quite accept the full person, warts and all into my life. In my work life, I work hard but theres always that little or big thing I put off until tomorrow, I cant seem to fully commit. Even with my program, I can go so far but then im blocked in some way, take the steps, I just stopped working them, just like that. I dont keep the lines of communication open fully either, with my sponsor or other members.  

Ive thought that it may be due to some shortcomings like laziness, procrastinating maybe even depression a bit. It may be deeper though, it seems to me that its a fear based thing. Im scared of failure so I leave things hanging, incomplete in some ways. I seem to have this barrier at the moment. Can anyone relate?



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~*Service Worker*~

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LC, you have done well by going inward and examining your drivers and your motives. I too discovered that I had surrounded myself with walls to keep myself safe only to find that I had walled myself in a very small dark place , while keeping the world at a distance.

By working the steps , I found the willingness to allow these walls to come down and set me free as the program continually suggests. Since this is a gentle program and we strive for progress not perfection, I needed to trust the process and believe that when I was ready and new constructive responses were in place then HP would lift my old destructive tools of protection. The seventh step assures us that if we trust HP to remove our shortcomings, he will do that in His time.

I think you are may be at Step 6--"Becoming entirely ready to have HP remove these shortcomings.
My sponsor explained to me that HP would show me my shortcomings in action so that I would be willing to have them lifted. This was true for me and when I finally saw how destructive my walls were I was willing to move on to step seven and ask that they be lifted

Remember it is a gentle program and as always is progress not perfection .

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 2200
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((((Hugs)))) Elcee - you are so generous in sharing your journey!

When I saw your title Walls I thought 'I need to read this'! I've been thinking about walls lately.

I used to have very low walls and that allowed a lot of wonderful things into my life. When things started to get tough with AH I tried very hard to protect my openness to life. I can honestly say that alcoholism beat me on that one and now I have walls to dismantle. Putting up those walls has protected me from hurtful behaviour and I'm grateful for that, but I don't want to be hemmed in and at risk of becoming a bitter, regretful old bag. I don't want to be limited by my fears but as I mentioned a while back, I have become a more timorous beastie!

Its kind of interesting stepping out 'consciously', going past those protective barriers knowing that bad stuff can touch me. By going ahead and doing it anyway I am getting a sense that I might start to take more pride in my achievements, humbly I hope. In the past I've always thought that I was just jammy lucky!

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PP


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3964
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I don't see walls in your sharing here.  Your posts are honest and vulnerable.  Be gentle with yourself, elcee...the walls will come down with healthy boundaries.  I had them for many years.  



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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el-cee, I have found that sometimes it's ok to have walls. I have certainly had plenty. They protected me, but lately I have broken down a few and am chipping away at a few more. I also noticed that you are afraid of failure. So am I. This is something that kept me isolated for so long, and I have to work on this daily. Be gentle with yourself, el-cee. Just the fact that you are acknowledging this shows awareness.

 



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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold  O-on  P-pain E-ends

Linda-



~*Service Worker*~

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I ask HP everyday to please continue to help me learn and grow and give thanks for all the trials that have been given to me. Without the trials I would have never been able to grow to be a better person. Everyday that I do this I notice that the trials become easier to handle, must be because the walls have to dismantle or else you are not receptive to the transformation. It is not easy to say thank you for the trials because they are painful sometimes, but feel that it is the only way to grow and lose those fears of failure that created those wall to begin with.  Thank you so much for sharing!



-- Edited by Debb on Thursday 28th of August 2014 07:33:47 PM

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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



Veteran Member

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You've been pretty open here. Are you as open with your sponsor?  For me, it was definitely a bit tougher in person especially sharing in the rooms. I think it's that old peeling the onion analogy we speak about in the program.  Recovery gets better with practice.  You're the only one who can identify where your resistence is coming from. The first thing that comes to mind for me is whether some feels like a safe person to open up to. There's nothing wrong in taking all the time we need to know whether we feel safe sharing with someone.  One think that helped me after being surrounded by untrustworthy people was to risk to try something new, something unrelated to Alanon that was taught to me by someone else and involved some vulnerability on my part and trust. Yoga is one example.  I showed up awkward, shy, without knowledge but also keenly interested. I was told I could do things at my own pace and no move that felt uncomfortable for me and that we were all to let go of judgment and competition. That physical and mental awareness put me in a much better place with myself and has helped me very much in other areas of my life. I have some proof that I can take a risk, show up as myself and be accepted.  I don't know if this makes sense for you, it's just something that gave me more courage to maybe just let others see me with my imperfections.  Thanks for sharing.  I hope you find answers that are right for you.  TT 



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Surround yourself with people and elements that support your destiny, not just your history.



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1661
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Yoga and a touch of Zen philosophy have been a tremendous help to me all my life. Got into Yoga so much so that I became a vegetarian and have been for the past 30 years. Highly recommend either or both, the practice includes meditation and the disciplines definitely helped me to incorporate the protocol of Al-Anon easily into my life. I faulter every once in a while and get caught off guard and those old walls start to creep back into my little noggin and if I am unable to catch myself I come here and say HELP!!

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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 761
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I like this post too. Some things never change. Hotrod you really have só many pearls of wisdom to share. So clarifying on a deeper level for me tonight. Walling myself into a very dark, small place .. that kept me safe ? Yet hurt like hell ..then in spiritual sickness analyzing the heck out of why everything felt so dark. The hope? Boundaries are flexible walls are rigid. I for me in program '. to see boundaries are flexible, walls are rigid. when i could see my rigidity i could see my walls, if i could see them, i was moving closer to removing them.

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Veteran Member

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Posts: 87
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I can definitely relate. My walls are, like yours, it seems, in place to protect my self-esteem: If I don't try all the way, if I don't ask for anything, if I don't really care, then failure, refusal, rejection won't hurt so much and won't damage my shaky sense of self. I know that moving forward I need to break down these walls, but it's very hard.

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