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Post Info TOPIC: “Let me think, I need help”


Newbie

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“Let me think, I need help”


My way trough he double hockey stick began somewhere in February last.  My husband and me are living abroad.  We are expats, and we have been married for almost 20 years.  My husband started experiencing problems with allocutions all of a sudden one day in February.  He was offered advancement at his job, but instead of welcoming it, he got pretty scared, because he was not well prepared for it, and now I do know exactly why.  It took me that long, and we are now at the end of August, to fully understand what is going on.

My husband had an interview and tests for his promotion in March, and he succeeded in everything.  He came back from the interview a bit pitiful, and not happy at all of having succeeding.  As if all joy had left him.  He had to undertake training for his new job, and was not looking forward to it, quite the opposite.

He never has been sick at his job, and still working there for almost 7 or 8 years now.  Suddenly, he started to booked sick, twice in April, and once in May.  He was not well, and I thought he was only stressed out about all the preparation needed by the jobs advancement.  In April we went on a week vacation in one of the most wonderful place on earth, but we did not have a good time at all, because my husband stated that he was not feeling well at all.

In June there was no significant event, except that he was not quite able to accomplish his job properly, was not happy as usual to go to work, and like he always as been.  Nobody at his job noticed anything or if they did, just thought that he was tired.

In July, he started his training for the new job appointment, and everything started to break loose at his job, and at home.  At his job they had group seminar that lasted 2 days; he did not participate at all.  The trainer started by asking him if something was the matter etc.  My husband did not say anything.  So, the trainer organized a meeting with the manager in charge a couple of days later; still my husband did not have anything to say.  They all decided that it would help my husband to see the companys psychologist.  The psychologist assessed that he might having some training difficulties, but not much than this, and referred my husband to see the companys doctor.  The companys doctor thought he might be a little bit tired and overstressed, so they put him for the rest of the month on sick leave, pending that he needed to see a psychiatrist.

Meanwhile at home, I was left alone with this person not knowing what he really had.  He started to follow me everywhere in the house; it was and still is maddening.  He started to lie to me, and manipulates me on a daily basis on all kind of things, even trivial ones.  He never smoke before, but started smoking like a chimney, and started also not paying any attention of what he was doing in the house; leaving cupboards, and wardrobe doors open, lights in rooms he was not in, always having his head in the refrigerator even if he was not hungry, and of course, not participating in any of the obligations needed in the house or in our life in general; making the budget like he used to do with joy, or renewal of visas, insurance etc.  I really wanted to know what was wrong with him so I started to join him when he had to the doctors appointment.  I even booked appointment with private doctors (psychologists, psychiatrists, neurologists) to get a second opinion.  None of the doctors ever found anything wrong with my husbands health or his new sudden attitude.  I did not stopped there, I knew there was something wrong with him and I needed to know.  I have read somewhere that if you change the environment at home of someone in his condition that might help.  So I started to move furniture all by myself (with a medical condition, and a flu at the time), I also repainted the full house, continue to attend his and my doctors appointment at the same time.  I really thought that all this would help, but it was in vain. 

Because he had some study to do, all his friends were telling me to leave him some space and go somewhere else.  I thought that maybe they were wright, so in June I planned to leave for a little vacation and go visit my family back home.  I did not go.  He asked me not to go; he told me that he needed me here with him.  We lost the cost of the airline tickets, he did not care, and that is when he started the manipulation dance.  At that time, I really thought that he needed me because he was sick.

Then I continued to research everywhere I could.  I asked friends and family for help, and about what they thought that was going on with my husband.  He always has been a gentle soul, quiet, very considering, bright, happy etc.  Everybody loves him, and nobody understands what is going wrong with him.

Almost everyone told me that I did too much for my husband because I always have been doing practically everything for him (except at his job), for us, and at home.  I still continued up to now to take all responsibilities for everything with his health, the household, and my own health, which is not either doing as fine as I would like, but nothing major, otherwise our life would go further to h.in a hand basket.

Still searching for an answer, I started to look about my own implication in all this.  Then, I felt guilty at first, which brought me to do a trip down memory lane, to really understand what is going on.  At one point, I asked a friend who has been with AA for more than 20 years now, and started explaining what was going on and he send me an email with Al anon web site.  I went to the website and started to read the stories, I related to them one way or another.

It made me discovered that 6 months prior to his advancement offer, he had been binging (drinking a lot) with a friend who was at that time in difficulty with his job instead of doing the work, and preparing for his advancements announcement at his job.  This is what scared the daylight out of him.  He started to quit drinking suddenly and completely in February all by himself, and that is when everything started to change quite dramatically in our life.  Before the binging episode that started last summer, my husband was only a social drinker.  He was I think what we really call a dry-drunk.

His manipulation send him to extreme like peeing in his pants in the car twice in the same day because I said no to something I dont even remember now.   The state, and frame of mind he always is in now; and no doctors are able to tell, really is a long episode of drunkenness, he gets drunk with over smoking, with food, with anything he does now with excess etc.  He is trying to get the feeling that alcohol use to give him.  He tells me that he is looking for the man he was, but he believes that he is gone.  He doesnt feel anything for his job, his wife (me), and doesnt care if he is about to loose everything.  He still doesnt do anything all day, he looks at me doing things, and follows me everywhere, and I mean everywhere.  He sleeps well, but wake me up regardless of if I am sleeping of not.  He still is on sick leave for the month of September, and I really do not know what to do with him anymore nor with myself.  His employer is not aware of all this, they are waiting to get an appointment for him to see yet, another doctor, specialist or something.  I do love my husband, but I am not sure that he knows what it means anymore.  When I ask him where do you think this is going, he answers nowhere, and I dont mind.  We do not have money problem at this time, but I do not work, and I depend entirely on him financially.  I am alone, far away from home, from my friends, and my family, and I do not know what to do at this point, any suggestions will be welcome.



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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 5663
Date:

Sounds like clinical depression as much as alcoholism...possibly both.



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Newbie

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Posts: 2
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I wish it would be depression. My husband has been seen by two different psychiatrists, both stated that he is not doing a depression.


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PP


~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 3964
Date:

Regardless of how he is diagnosed, you live with him and know how his behavior is affecting you.  It seems both of you need to make choices for your individual well being.  Al anon will help you with the insanity that is now your life.  AA will help your husband with the insanity that is his life,however, he will have to make that choice for himself.  We on this forum know this life, and those of us that chose our sanity through the 12 steps will tell you peace and serenity is a choice and it is fabulous.  Prayers for you and your hubbie.



-- Edited by PP on Wednesday 27th of August 2014 07:48:43 AM

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Paula

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