I've written a couple of tortured posts here.

Part 1: 

Part 2:

and I thank everyone for their loving, keepin'-it-real advice.  

A week ago, shortly after my second post, I had a good talk with my ABF and told him how I was increasingly obsessing over him doing the "right thing", and it was making me crazy.  I would hear him say one thing about wanting to recover, but he would show different behaviors.  He's so full of good intentions!  I was sharing how futile it felt to try to control him.  We are both smart people, and we know that I can't control him at all.  He was apologetic, saying that he really wanted to recover.  I said that I was in a bind because I didn't want to threaten to break up with him, just to make him recover.  It felt wrong.

I slept on those words.  Fitfully.  Should I stay and be patient?  Should I threaten to break up?  Should I just leave?

The next morning, I knew what I wanted.  I wrote him and said I needed to take a break.  It was so hard to ask for this because I loved him and felt a deep need to take care of him.  But, I was also going crazy.  In the last few weeks, we had already succeeded in untangling ourselves a little, in that he no longer crashed my space unannounced and used it as comfort.  But, I needed something more.  

I was able to couch my request in a new language.  Instead of saying, "you need treatment," I was able to say, "I need to stop making myself crazy trying to get you to change."  

He wasn't happy with my decision, but didn't argue or threaten or anything.  In fact, he suggested the time-frame (6-8 weeks) and we've worked out an understanding for what it means to be on break.  It isn't totally ironed out, but we're working on it.  

In this last week, I have been devouring "Getting them Sober (vol.1)" and "Codependent No More".  Wow,  both of these speak to me.  I wasn't able to get to an AlAnon meeting last week, but I am going to try this week.  Therapy today.  

I wrestle with all kinds of feelings; guilt, especially.  That little voice inside of me says, "What if he needed me to make that threat in order to run into treatment?"  As it is, I have no idea if he's done anything, or if he's drinking.  We are talking a little, but I asked him not to report on his journey towards recovery (or whether he is trying to take it).  It mostly sounds like he is preoccupied with what we always are; just getting through each day, mostly with our old strategies.

I miss him, too.  He is kind-hearted, although his powers of kindness are hamstrung by his disease.  He never got mad, never was abusive, and was pretty damned honest.  Never played overt mindgames.  He just took crappy care of himself, and made me take care of him, like a little boy.  But, I miss his kind heart.  

But, I have to unravel myself from the crazy.

I had a good weekend.  I saw old friends, did some work, did some exercise.  I feel some renewed mental focus returning at work and in my passions.