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Hi everyone! Hope all is well...I went to my AH's rehab center Saturday for the annual renewal day and had a nice time. Good to see my friends from my initial introduction to group family therapy a year ago!
So my family counselor from there always says I have resentments over the 1/2 way house. So, I gave her an example of what I think is not good therapy and I would love to hear from all of you on this topic, needless to say she got heated with me because I won't tell her I think I have a resentment, because I don't, but maybe she is right. I don't see any good in setting punishments that include cutting off communication with the family, however sometimes I know I miss the point and need things explained to me in a deeper meaning. Plus, I told her the punishments are so harsh for the littlest things that any human being could make as an everyday mistake and if it was unintentional then why such hefty punishments.
My AH called to tell me that they will probably get what they call full house or in other words punishment, because someone left the freezer door opened and the ice cream I took them along with 3 loaves of bread defrosted. Punishment consists of no TV, no radio, no contact with your family. Now, this seems to happen every holiday weekend that is coming up. It happened on Easter, it happened on Memorial Day, it happened on Fourth of July. I happen to see a pattern here and I think it's because the staff doesn't like to deal with holidays and staffing shortages, just my opinion. I said I think it's shameful to make the families pay or be punished as well. We didn't leave the freezer open, but we are punished by no contact from the loved ones. For the life of me I don't see the good in that, especially since my counselor loves to talk the talk on this is a family disease. So I stated my thoughts and she immediately said I have a resentment. I don't see it that way at all. So your thoughts are most welcome on this "hot" topic.
By the way, I bought the Getting them sober books volumes 1-3 and I am so glad I have heard them suggested many times here. They really, really help me put things in a context I can relate to.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
Hi, Linda: This is what I think: If I say how I'm thinking and feeling and somebody else tells me I have a resentment, I check it out with myself as you are doing and agree or disagree with the feedback. If the other person pushes their assessment at me of me after that, I will see it as their issue and not mine and drop the subject with them, moving on from there. If I tell someone who I am by sharing my true thoughts and feelings with them and they state I am somebody else - I sometimes will also put that in I talk. I have told you how I think and how I feel. I'm sorry if you don't believe me. I'm finished with this subject. Let's move on.
As to what's going on in rehab with staff and clients - I've worked in shelters and in Drop In Centers - not Rehab, so what I share comes out of that experience. It is not unusual for a guest to push the edge of the envelope with house rules and then to exaggerate the staff's part and minimize their own when talking with others. It is also not unusual for a guest to try to get out of something they don't want to do by "blaming the big bad staff member" who is making life hard for them. They might also blame the big bad family member to the staff for making their lives difficult. Not unlike teenagers who try to play one parent against the other to get their own way in a situation without ever accepting responsibility for themselves. I can understand your being a family member and to my Al-Anon way of thinking, I think how the staff handles stuff with guests is an outside issue to me. I'm just not there to really know it from all angles. I can only deal with the disappointment I might feel that my hope for a holiday visit isn't going to happen and create a Plan B for myself.
Whether or not you have a resentment is something you get to answer using program tools. We can say what we think might be going on in another person but to insist they are feeling a way they may or may not be feeling at the time is not something I'm comfortable doing with others. I'm the only expert on me and how I'm thinking and feeling. I generally believe that about others, too, if I can't see what they are doing and can only hear what they are saying.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 25th of August 2014 03:14:54 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 25th of August 2014 03:18:00 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Monday 25th of August 2014 04:01:25 PM
This "family" disease often affects "everyone that is in contact with it...including programs and facilitators". I once worked under an agreement for a local rehab and they were looking for long term employment however I wanted a 5 month "mutual look" agreement which I got. They get to look at me and my work and I get to look at theirs. At the end of the time period I walked...the program was sick and the CEO was the sickest. The use of counseling language to exert control was one of the things they did to manipulate and direct people in their favor and that for me was a "No No". It wasn't honest I left without regret, guilt or shame. Personal integrity is a "best counseling" tool and if I couldn't maintain that I wasn't working with people who needed help. I would appear that she might have been trying to confine your personal freedom with the diagnosis of resentment. Maybe, maybe not. You have the freedom to state your opinion without getting a diagnosis of some mental or emotional dysfunction back. I don't know "how" you said what you said and it is in how we say what we say that we reveal our emotions. You know how you said it and you can check that out against the filter of "resentful" and then do the next best thing. When we learn better we do better and come to understand better also. Less confusion. (((((hugs)))))
Oooh, it does wind me up these days when someone says 'you have' or 'you think.'. I wonder how you would react if the counsellor had asked you whether you had a resentment rather than assuming it?
I think that when we are looking after others who are not so good at looking after themselves it is quite difficult to remember that they are just as human as we are and that all humans make mistakes. I've seen people get tired and then cling to the rules like a life raft for all sorts of reasons, not all of them good. It is what it is and tomorrow is another day.
Glad you are getting so much from Getting Them Sober - they really are powerful books
Flower, resentments can be justified. It sounds like you only want to label something a resentment if you are feeling angry over something you shouldn't. Justified resentments are still a problem to be worked on, albeit forming unjustified resentments is an even bigger problem. Either way - our goal is to be resentment free if possible.
First, I used to get riled up listening to other's perceptions of how unjustly they were being treated. I had to stop, seems they had more of those experiences than I did, so I began to see the common denominator. I rarely get riled up, unless I hear truth in the depiction. Since your hubby is where he is because of his bad choices, he gets what he gets regardless of the fairness of it. I also noted when I became all up in stuff, it was because there was often a deeper issue I wasn't dealing with.
I would suggest sitting with all of this, maybe there is some resentment? If so, ok...really no big deal. Sometimes I so want to be right that I am not having a "negative" emotion, but usually I have to eat crow, because it is there for everyone else to see but me. I am not saying there is resentment with you...here lies the value of discussing these things one on one with a sponsor. Whatever comes up for you is so worth the exploration to discover what may lie within that is just burning to be seen. Maybe what is here is standing firm with the counselor and saying, "Nope, no resentment". Perhaps it is her projection onto you???
I really don't see it this as me having a resentment at all. I know my AH is where he is at because of his choices, and he gets what he gets and it trickles down to me and does affect how we are trying to heal on our own and heal our marriage. I don't really care much about what he is doing in there these days and when he tells me stuff I am now more likely to take it as a grain of salt and remind myself I can't really believe what he tells me.
I get mad with my counselor for always saying I have a resentment about something we are discussing. I have opinions on things to so why are my opinions or feelings always be cast into resentments. I get terribly confused and start thinking I am doing something wrong or I am not working my program correctly. Then I feel like she is trying to shame me because I won't say I have a resentment.
I am not trying to label or justify my opinions or feelings, I just cannot wrap my head around what I feel is being forced into saying I have resentments. I don't know.....I am going to just let it go and just not talk with her as much or call her when stuff is going south for me, she is from my AH's initial inpatient treatment center and I have a lovely new counselor now that is much more professional and experienced so maybe that is what I am to learn from this last go around with her.....let it go as in move on with my new counselor and my more in-depth working the program, attending meetings and using the forums, maybe it's a sign that I am growing up and away now.
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Linda
Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries
It may very well be that you have outgrown her. I would trust my gut if I were you, it sounds like you are in tune with you. There have been many counselors in my past that actually did damage because they were poor counselors. I have read all of your posts and I think you are doing great!
I'd start to feel a little resentment coming up towards the counselor's badgering if s/he persisted in telling me I felt resentful.
You: Why, yes! Yes, you're right. I wasn't feeling resentful until about the 10th time you told me I was feeling resentful. I decided that I did feel resentful after all! Thank you! Thank you! I'm CURED!!!!!!!!
I am glad you are going with another counselor. I was getting a bit concerned that circles with feeling faces might be pulled out by your former counselor in an effort to help you recognize resentment on a feeling face.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Wednesday 27th of August 2014 08:28:31 PM
