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Post Info TOPIC: Dilemma


Veteran Member

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Posts: 57
Date:
Dilemma


I have made the decision to file for divorce from my AH.  It has been a very long journey to this point, but I know it is time.  My dilemma lies in the execution.  We have been together for 22 years and married for 15.  We have been separated for the past 7 months and due to the fact that I was SAHM, I have remained financially dependent on him.  I start my full time job in a week and am confident that I will be able to take care of myself. Our finances have been "business as usual" since the separation.  Due to this fact, I had been careful to not speak about our future.  I never said we would get back together, but if he brings it up I do not shut him down.  I just say I cannot make any comments about the future because I'm taking things day by day. I know this is a little misleading but I needed the time to get my affairs in order.  

AH is still in denial and thinks that we will eventually get back together. We talk but not about regularly or about anything significant. He is actively drinking and I do not have much to say to him.  Nor do I enjoy listening to his lies.  So I don't.  We are completely disconnected.  He never asks me how I am doing, what I am up to or anything that says he gives a hoot about me.  This disease is so selfish.  

He found out about my job last week and went ballistic on the phone.  He was seething with anger and said it was "another nail in his coffin."  He made accusations and was not nice.  I got off the call.  Then a few days later he comments to me that he was no longer angry about my job because he realized how much money we are going to have and that we can sell our current house in a year and buy a mansion.  He is delusional.  We have not had a meaningful conversation in ages!  How can he expect to get back together if he has not changed anything????

I really would like to have a conversation with him before he gets served with the divorce papers.  After all the years together and out of respect for him as a human being I would like him to hear the news from me.  Not a process server.  However, I have concerns that he will flip out.  He has not been acting rationally.  I also know that he was looking into buying a hand gun but am not sure if he has or not.  I do know he bought a rifle in December and regularly goes to the range...sometimes when he's been drinking.  

My heart says to tell him, my brain says no.  So I am reaching out to you all to hear your experiences. I would appreciate any ESH in making this big decision.  Thanks!!!



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Senior Member

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TS you might think twice about having a face to face meeting with him if he 'goes ballistic on the phone." What would he do in person? You do need to think of your safety first. I know that you are trying to do the honest, caring thing by telling him face to face but... well I really doubt if it would be a productive conversation. Were he sober and aware, then it would be the decent thing to do but he isn't and he will not respond in a sober manner.

Could you write him a letter instead? Have it delivered before the papers are served. That way he could take it in at his own pace, in his own time and if he flips out, he flips out alone. However you should probably get yourself to a safe place before he receives it. Your lawyer should also be made aware that he is a potential loose canon and he can advise you how to deal with the whole situation.



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PP


~*Service Worker*~

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TS, I like Deacon's suggestions.  Your safety comes first, so maybe there is a solution that is not an either/or?  Somewhere there is a solution that is direct, honest, respectful and humane. 



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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Ditto to the others' feedback here - your safety comes first, talking things over and reasoning things out with your attorney may be a good next step, and there might very well be a solution that is direct, honest, respectful and humane.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Sadly, he cannot respond sanely - if he were capable of it, you probably wouldn't be deciding to divorce.  I know you must want to talk to the 'old him' that you used to be married to.  It is very sad that that person is gone.

The domestic violence experts say that a person's greatest danger happens in the interval of leaving.  He goes ballistic on the phone merely at the idea of you getting a job, and then he has at least one gun - those are worrying signs.  I know it probably seems seems unthinkable that he would hurt you, but you must be very careful.  The alcohol makes them not themselves.

I would definitely get advice from a lawyer who has dealt with addiction and/or domestic violence cases.  (You don't say that there's been domestic violence before, and I don't mean to imply that there has - just that your H has an anger problem and you don't want it to escalate.)  It may also be helpful to consult your local domestic violence shelter.  They will have dealt with this many times. I hope he doesn't have a key or access to your new place.  Ideally he doesn't know where it or your new job is.  Please take very good care of yourself.



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Veteran Member

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Thank you for this feedback. He has not been prone to violence in the past. We have had two "incidents" that could have been bad but I was able to diffuse them and keep myself and the kids safe. The more I think about it though, this "last nail" could really set him off. He is terrified of being totally alone.

The kids and I are living in our home. He still has access. When I kicked him out for the first time last year, he came back after a week and was planning to park himself and just stay...despite me telling him he was not welcome. I ended up having to call the police because he was pushing me and scaring our son. I got him into the garage & dead bolted him out. He threatened to break down the door. He changed his tune and calmed down as soon as the officer arrived. (This was one of the incidents I mentioned above). The officer told me that I can change the locks but that he also has the right to break in...it's his house too. Therefore, I decided to just leave things as is and avoid any expensive damage. He has been out since January this time and has never come over or caused any other problems. Not sure what to do with the locks. He also has garage door access programmed into his car.

Oh boy. Guess I really have not thought this through enough. I am so glad that I posted this and realized that I may be underestimating him.

I like the idea of a letter. He is the type of person that would "hear" things better that way. I have not met with my lawyer yet because he is on vacation. I will definitely ask these questions.

Thanks all!

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~*Service Worker*~

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The Al-Anon suggestion to talk things over and reason things out has certainly shown itself to be a help to you in this case. Good work in acting on that suggestion, listening, and seeing the next step to take for you.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Thanks for clarifying.  It sounds excellent that you'll be talking with the lawyer soon.  You'll want to get a clear idea of how things should go forward: how the assets would best be split up, whether you remain in the house or move elsewhere, etc. etc.  Among those should be how you stay safe if he is overwhelmed with anger and desperation.  Alcohol gives them crazy thoughts and lowers their powers of inhibition.  And my guess is that when he gets bad news he drinks harder.  So he will be crazy, angry, and uninhibited - a bad and dangerous combination all round.  Plus he has a gun.  This is making me very concerned.  So be sure to get expert advice and follow it.  Above all do not be lured into meeting him "one last time to talk."  That has been a tragic idea for a number of women.  If you should feel the need to talk, sometime way in the future when he seems to be stable, you can do so by Skype or phone, when you're at a location he doesn't know where is.  Please take good care of yourself!



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~*Service Worker*~

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I ditto what Mattie says here. He might tell you he has papers he wants you to sign for the divorce or whatever the disease comes up with. You have an attorney to handle that part of the process.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Veteran Member

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Mattie- thanks for your concern. I appreciate your comments and will do my best to be smart and stay safe. I am lucky to have all of those here with past experiences to share and help me navigate this tough situation as best as possible.

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Veteran Member

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And to just vent for a minute.....I HATE THIS DISEASE!!!!!! I hate that I am having to devise a safety plan from the man who was the love of my life....the sweetest man I ever knew. Unfortunately, that man is gone. :(

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~*Service Worker*~

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mattie said it perfectly.

He is abusive, you said yourself he pushed you and kids around! He has already gone over that boundary to physical abuse.

An A has no business having a gun. They are insanely sick. I don't know how your money goes but I would be sticking chunks away so I could set up a home before the divorce papers are served.

I felt a sense of trepidation when I read your shares. An A cannot think or act rational ever when they are using. Even a week after they still have damage to their insides and out. They have broken brains!  So talking is asking for trouble as I am sure you will not get what you want to hear.

Please be careful. You may not want to be there when he is served, I sure would not. I know here in Oregon you can serve them yourself.

Hope to keep hearing from you!



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Putting HP first, always  <(*@*)>

"It's not so much being loved for ourselves, but more for being loved in spite of ourselves."

       http://www.al-anon.alateen.org/meetings/meeting.html            Or call: 1-888-4alanon



~*Service Worker*~

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Ive been in a similar situation. I left my ex but kept him kind of dangling for a few reasons, like I wanted him still to stop drinking and be a father to our chikdren, I still believed I had power to change others. Then I got alanon and within 6 months I told him it was completely over, no chance of getting back. He acted so shocked, said it was out of the blue, which is ridiculous, we were living seperate lives. He was drinking and I decided way before that im not living that way again. He tried a few tactics, anger, guilting me, but doesnt work any more, being really nice, saying lots that I would have liked to hear, this tactic was the most surprising, new levels of manipulation, he was actually quite clever about it. Anyway, we dont see each other or even talk now and its great, its honest and im being true to my own feelings and myself. He has been in aa a while too, he got a grip when he realised hed lost everything basically. Overall, a very good move for me and my family.
I suggest, due to the guns and his disease, a phone call or letter before the papers are served and maybe even a restraining order if necessary. Your safety is the most important thingx

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Veteran Member

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Debilyn- thank you for your concern. I will keep posting. I am going to talk all this through with my attorney and devise a plan to be sure that I and my children are safe. I hope that this all ends up being a big nothing, but I will not disregard safety. Thanks to this board, my eyes are looking at things a little differently and I will do my best with this bad situation. I am firm in my desire to move forward and will not be conned by anything he says. I feel strong (thanks to Alanon & this board) and I know that HP will get me through this!


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~*Service Worker*~

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Ditto all of the above, stay safe. I just wanted to add a piece of advice that I was given. My friend said to me 'you've had many good times together, you loved and admired him, so it might be good to tell him how much you value those good times if you can.'

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