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Hi all. I have been on mip boards since nearly 4years ago. Was a big poster on acoa and even hosted a meeting for a while then my partner found out and didnt like it...huge rows so I stopped. Ironically he is now on the acoa boards! I am a recovered alcoholic 12years. He on the other hand slipped continuously throughout our relationship. I am not here to slag him off...I know how hard it is to get sober. I finished our relationship 6 months ago but as he was working away and only coming home once every 4 weeks so I agreed to let him come to our home as he said he needed my help to stay sober. I am not stupid I know that I was enabling the madness to carry on. Then he gave up his job so he is here permanently. I went to f2f alanon for a while a few years ago and found it helpful and I also attend my own meetings. I have since asked him to leave a few times because we just row when I try and do things by myself. I started back a friendship with a male friend that I dropped when we got together because he didn't like it...or he gets envious that I get along with people at meetings as he is not able to talk to people. I have told him he can stay here and I will move but he doesn't want that either. He drank last week cause he couldn't handle it then when I asked him to leave I got the guilt trip about I care more for my friends than him. Now again yesterday we came back from a meeting and a row again. I am asking him all morning to leave and I don't know what will happen when I go to work later. I feel so guilty when he says if he leaves he will have to go back home to where all the bad stuff happened. Then I get strong and say please go but then he begs me to stay. Its like a mental merry go round that I cant get off. Any words of wisdom would be gratefully appreciated. I cant talk to my friends cause they would just say chuck him out but that's easier said than done when they are not here to see the pain he is in when I ask him to go.
Hi Jm I suggest reading Alanon's "letter from the alcoholic." Pay close attention to what it says about avoiding a crisis.
Also if you're in AA, instructions for Working With Others talk about how to handle this, chapter 7, BB.
I avoid passive-aggression and am direct.
It takes courage and as a double winner myself, a great sponsor who is also a double winner and Alanon's daily meditation books (especially Hope For Today and Courage To Change) helped me work through that horrible emotion: guilt.
It takes time. Be gentle with yourself as you learn how to get out of another alcoholic's way.
-- Edited by WorkingThroughIt on Monday 25th of August 2014 06:24:55 AM
Hi JM Welcome to MIP Alanon Congratulations on your many years of sobriety and that you are attending both AA and Alanon and find them helpful. Your share sounds very familiar and I so understand the dilemma that you find yourself confronting. Alanon has a booklet named the Merry Go Round Named Denial and it clearly describes the situation that you are living in. The booklet suggests the this merry go round will continue until one person decides to change and get off the ride. We can do this by understanding that we are powerless over alcohol and that no matter what we say or do we cannot affect a permanent change in the alcoholic or the alcoholism in another, We can learn to set ourselves free by living one day at a time, trusting HP and working the steps with a sponsor .
You are not alone but learning how to respond to alcoholics in a constructive manner, is a true gift of the program. No one will suggest that you stay or go but we do suggest that you learn to take care of yourself and rebuild your self esteem Keep coming back
jm, welcome to MIP. Since you have been around the 12 steps and recovery work, I know you will do what you need to do for you. Keep sharing here, working your steps, going to al anon meetings and taking care of you. Once you begin to feel strengthened by the community and the reworking of your steps, you will take the best action for you. I have a deep compassion for others pain, however, I will not carry any of it for them (consciously). It is not mine to carry and it is arrogant of me to do that anyway. It sounds to me that he is manipulating you big time. Take good care!
I can't add anything more to the shares from our Al-Anon members. All good stuff based on their own recovery work in the Al-Anon program. I will say that I'm glad you're here, congratulations on 12 years sober and working your program, and hope to see more of you.
It's not your fault if he chooses to wreck his life when he leaves your place. It's not your fault if he is all sad and begging....That just means he has reduced himself to being that sick and it's also a sign of the disease progression that does not need to be allowed, though I know it's hard to follow through when someone is using hostage tactics and guilt inducing strategies. Bottom line: He is responsible for finding his way in life. A person can get sober anywhere. I got sober in the same city I did my worst drinking in. Lame excuse he's giving you to elicit enabling. Of course he is going to cry, plead, blame you, make it seem like you are doing something so so evil by making him move out, BUT, what he say is NOT TRUE. What he says is disease talking. He might do bad moving out, or he might do great and it might be exactly what he needs to take more responsibility over his life. Don't take on his disease. Be true to yourself!
He also does not need your help to get sober. That is also a ploy to elicit enabling. He needs a sponsor to help him stay sober. He needs AA to help him stay sober. He needs peers and support in AA and a higher power to help him stay sober. NOWHERE does it say or advise to have a babysitter/live in supporter to stay sober. More argument could be made that his depending on you rather than the above mentioned people/things is harming his recovery rather than helping it. If he cannot pursue recovery and build his own program without you, he won't stay sober anyhow because his program is contingent upon you and it's absolutely critical that, in order to get sober, his program be contingent only upon himself, his own willingness, and his connection to his HP.
