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So over the past few weeks I have kept away from my A as in I haven't seen him, but we have message'd from time to time. Usually with him messaging me things about how he has a new sponsor or how he's going to meetings on a daily basis and how he has counselling sessions arranged. To all of them I simply reply saying that's good to hear. Not once has he asked how I am. This weekend he message'd and we chatted for a bit. He's been to a meeting that morning and was going again that evening. When I commented on 2 meetings in one day he said as he was on his own he wanted to make sure he didn't drink. I did feel like that was a slight dig at how I wasn't there but I ignored the comment. He then said he had to go to get to his meeting and said to have a nice weekend whatever my plans were. I simply thanked him and said to enjoy his meeting. So later on while I'm out with friends he messages again saying how he can't just be friends, that it would be great if I wanted to see him again then adds how he needs people in his life who love and support him and how I don't seem to be there. Er, I've done nothing but support him for the past 18 months while the only thing he's been consistent at is verbally abusing me, storming off out at the drop of a hat and relapsing! So anyway, as I was out and my phone was in my purse I hadn't seen the message which was shortly followed up with how he guessed my not answering gave him his answer, followed by how I must be out. I replied asking him to leave it and I'd talk to him the following day. I then got bombarded with how I was obviously out drinking, was too drunk to type and my friends were more important. That usually sucks me straight onto the defensive and an argument with him but instead I put my phone away and ignored him. I'd said I would speak to him the next day and left it at that. Clearly that went down like a lead balloon. When I later looked at my phone he had message'd saying no we wouldn't speak the next day or ever again, that he needs someone who loves him and is there for him and to never contact him ever again and he's blocked me from doing so. He's been though his calendar and declined everything I'd invited him to and worryingly, he owes me money for holidays and car repairs and he's cancelled the monthly calendar reminder to repay me!
So I'm guessing that by detaching, removing myself from the situation for a few weeks to get my head in a good space, setting and maintaining boundaries has proved that he actually doesn't care in the slightest how his illness/behaviour impacts me, it's all well and truly about him! It's probably given him the reason he needs to get back out there too.
Clearly he may be dry but the craziness hasn't stopped. If he has a sponsor and he happens to run all this by his sponsor, his sponsor would set him straight - you've been displaying just the kind of healthy behavior anyone in recovery would want!
I'm sorry you've had to deal with this. He's made it clear that King Baby is still running the show over in his brain. Keep on taking really good care of yourself. You're an inspiration! And even though it probably doesn't feel like it, your healthy detachment will pay off in much greater peace and happiness for you.
Flossy, you handled this situation well. The crazy seems to come out stronger in substance abusers 9those using or not really working their recovery) when they are desperate and not getting their way. Keep showing up for you and let him be with his drama and chaos.
Flossy .. I'm sorry you are dealing with this .. it has been my experience that getting rid of an alcoholic has proven very difficult. Don't be surprised if in a couple of hours, days or weeks you get another text saying how much he misses you. Hugs .. you did a great job!
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
I've heard many of those same complaints and disease fueled mental aberrations and then the switch to their opposites. After awhile, the words for me just are words. Occasionally, I can get emotionally hooked by them and I have my HP, my readers, my sponsor, the fellowship to go to for help with that. You did well, flossie. I have learned that no matter what I do or say in relationship to active As, there is a bottomless hole in them I cannot fill. Only a HP can do that and I'm not it for another person no matter who they are in relationship to me. I can only do my best to practice the program daily and take good care of me.
When he said he needs someone who would be there for him, what he was really saying was, "I need my enabler, my fixer", and he's ticked that you aren't playing that role anymore. He's throwing out the fishing line trying to get you to bite and when you don't, he gets mad. It's all part of how they act when we start to detach. Lots of ups and downs in between, of course. You are giving him the dignity to be an adult, to work his recovery as he sees fit, and you are staying on your side of the street. Well, how dare you, LOL! Good job in taking care of yourself. I hope you do something nice for you today! HUGS!
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Never grow a wishbone where your backbone ought to be!
I thought once the drinker put down the alcohol things would get better but he was stark raving sober no drink to kill the pain runaway from his own head.
My ABF has just slipped after two years he was dry and did improve he was attending meetings and mixing with AA but he never did the steps.
Yesterday I went to a meeting and an AA member did his share who was really well and actively working the steps, I could see how far my ABf still has to go.
But I am powerless over this!!!! but this awareness helps me to accept how ill he is and take appropriate action to protect me. During our ten years together and his attempts at sobriety I sometimes kept contact by phone but now realise the disease can still travel through the phone and rob my serenity.
He broke a boundary when he picked up 3 weeks ago and I am strong enough in my own recovery today to say what I mean and mean what I say.
I am also aware that when I set a boundary and stick to it people normally act out to get me to remove the boundary. He wants his needs met that what sick people do he is like a baby having a tantrum to get you to change your mind. He is still not healthy if he sticks with AA and does the work he will get better and these behaviours will disappear one by one , but it takes a lot of dedication and hard work. Again this is his journey. What are you going to do.
I am not having any contact at all with my partner while he is active this is not a punishment it is self protection. If he get sober and into recovery I still do not want a relationship with him sick people can not have a relationship with themselves let alone others. When in rehab they tell them to stay single and focus on themselves. I want to heal today I am doing the steps again and taking my time to heal. I have a HP and I am handing him and his recovery over.
hope you get something from my esh take what you like dump the rest
Thanks for the compliment Mattie - I'm certainly starting to feel a lot more like my old self that's for sure. I'm feeling peaceful and my mind is active again as in I want to live my life to its fullest again, which is just how I was before all this. When I came on here a few weeks back I was utterly exhausted, couldn't concentrate or sleep, my head was absolutely spinning with the insanity of it all and I'd lost interest in everything. I've worked on myself non-stop over the past few weeks to get back to being more like myself but even so every now and then I find myself slipping and need to reread everything I wrote and revisit all the stories on here to remind my head where it needs to stay.
Unfortunately I know it's not over with just yet. As you've all said, there will come a point when he contacts me again. I'm currently being 'punished' for not responding to him straight away. How dare I live my life and not sit around pining for him! Tbh I don't think he will get better. He's been in and out of AA over the past 4 years. I'm sure he uses it as a way of being able to control his drinking - or so he thinks! He had a sponsor last summer who soon sacked him and he's on his second one this year now. He worked the steps a few months ago but he didn't really put a huge amount of effort into it. He pays lip service to the whole thing. And as much as I can't even begin to imagine how difficult it must be to fight this disease, surely after 4 years if he truly wanted to get sober he'd have gone a little longer than a couple of months by now! He assures me until 4 years ago he had 10 years sobriety yet he never actually worked the steps - he was sectioned and put into treatment for his own safety!
Tracy I really hope you find your way through this too and the strength to keep your boundaries. I know it has made me feel a hell of a lot better. When I feel pity for him I have to remind myself he is playing with me then I feel less pity and back to how dare he treat me like it. Stay strong xx
Andromeda, you are exactly right. For almot 10 years I have heard the same talking points, over and over again. I won't go into them here, but his self prophetic wish is coming true. Although I never said the things he accused me of, I am going to leave on Thursday. And you would think he would be happy, the nag is leaving. Well, he is not happy. He is madder than ever. What you sisd is right on, and I know that. If there is any hope of him getting sober, I have to remvoe myself from the chaos. For a few half seconds I thought, "maybe I am supposed to endure and let God get the glory".
But, God has not gotten any glory out of what is going on here. Putting on masks in public, and going home to a toxic environment does not give anyone honor, no one.
A friend sent me a great article today on the misconceptions of divorce. It was very encouraging as it is often said that you don't have enough faith, or you haven't foregiven, etc. etc. None of those things are true. We just can't fix crazy. Okay, sorry, we can't cure diseases. :)
Thanks for the shares.
-- Edited by blessed on Tuesday 26th of August 2014 07:41:16 PM
-- Edited by blessed on Tuesday 26th of August 2014 07:41:51 PM
