The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I'm having a really rough time right now. My mother is an alcoholic, and trust me, we've all tried to stop her from being one but there's really only so much you can do. I'm also finding it hard to find people to talk to at the moment, which is why I went and found this board.
My Mom was first hospitalized in 2012 for alcohol withdrawal symptoms. She was told her liver was damaged and she shouldn't drink again. When I discovered months later she was sneaking drinks I was disappointed and told my family. She still continued.
Here we are, two years later. She now has chronic liver failure, which lead to her being airlifted from the area where our cottage is, all the way back to the nearest hospital in my hometown. It's causing fluid build-up in her abdominal area that doctors need to drain out. However, there are also other complications. Her esophagus keeps bleeding, and they attached these bands to help it stop so it can heal, but they bursted off, as they have the high tendency to do according to the doctor. So today she had another surgery to put the bands back on. Her current state is literally is hard to tell. She's extremely ill, and she could either get worse, or get better but her liver will not magically heal itself.
She's on heavy sedation which makes it incredibly hard to talk to her. Yesterday when the bleeding was under control she was under less medication, so she was more responsive, etc. I was able to tell her that I loved her before I left and she was able to say "I love you too"
What's making this incredibly difficult, is that it's very possible I'll never be able to have another proper goodbye with all the sedation. She was never easy to deal with while under the influence, and there are things that brought both of us to sometimes hate each other. If I don't get the opportunity to make amends I feel like I'll be haunted for the rest of my life.
You won't be haunted. You can choose not to be. Put out your amends to your mom in the form of prayer and with your heart. You can do that now even. There is power in that and you can let go that way. Who knows? Your mom might hear it through your higher power even if you guys don't speak verbally again. I am so sorry this is happening to your mom. Please remember that you didn't cause any of this. The 3 C's of Alanon are profound. You didn't cause it, can't cure it, can't control it.
Jigen I am so sorry to read of the serous medical condition that your mother is living with. I understand your concern and pain and have walked in your shoes. Alcoholism is a fatal , progressive disease, over which we are powerless. While your mom is in the hospital, I pray that you can search out alanon face to face meetings and attend. Here you will find the support, and understanding from people who live with the disease and understand as few others can. Living with this disease we react in an extremely negative fashion and develop guilt from what we have felt and said . You are not alone. Making amends to our loved ones is one of the Steps of the alanon recovery program and doing so will free you from unnecessary dread and guilt.
I believe that making amends does not mean saying I am sorry, I found that changing my attitude and responding differently is a much better way to make amends. Visiting mom, being empathetic, compassionate, and praying with her would be a good way to begin amends.
Attending alanon, breaking the isolation caused by this disease , would be a good way to make amends to yourself. Please keep coming back . Prayers for yu and your mom.
Hello and welcome to the board. I don't know if you have children or not? This is what I can say as a Mother and a Grandmother. If I were dying of a disease - any disease - and I was near the end of my life - there are only two things I'd want said between my kids and me: I am sorry I wasn't always the Mother you wanted and needed, I love that you are here now and I love you. From my kids I'd want to hear "We'll be okay, Mom. We love you."
My father died in March. He was not an alcoholic but he was a human being who made mistakes in his parenting of me. I was not an alcoholic but I was a human being who made mistakes in being his daughter. He had difficulty communicating and was connected to multiple tubes. He also wasn't supposed to be touched because of infectious diseases he'd contracted without gloves and a gown. I said to him, "Dad, I'm sorry for whatever ways I have disappointed you or hurt you." My Dad said "Awww" and made a gesture with his weak hand that meant "It doesn't matter." I then went on to tell him the ways he had loved me and supported me and what kind of man I had known him to be with others. I didn't waste time going over anything other than the positive highlights of his life.
The past didn't matter to him. The past didn't matter to me. What mattered at the end was that each of us loved each other in the only way we knew how and for that time that was all that was needed or wanted by either of us. We made the best of the time we had together then and loved each other well. The rest of it was over. It was just plain over. But the loving each other to the best of our ability in the present was what we both wanted and needed.
Your Mom will know you are there whether she can express that or not. Just being there in peace and in love with your Mom can be enough for both of you.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 24th of August 2014 09:25:09 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 24th of August 2014 09:29:13 PM
Awesome Jigen...welcome to the board and thank you for your honesty and courage to share this clearly so that I to can remember the journey thru the program from the disease of alcoholism. My memory is one of the strongest tools I have and I need to remember it all and hope you do to and then attend Al-Anon meetings so that it also helps others. Your Mom is alcoholic and it seems at the critical end stage of the disease. As Betty related this is a incurable, progressive, fatal disease and it takes hostages while it runs its course. You are a victim and hostage and you didn't wish this on your Mom and yourself. There is no "proper" and "perfect" way of living with and within the disease of alcoholism and in companionship with the alcoholic. I hope you read more of the shares here to understand that and not be too hard or intense on yourself. You are and have been doing the best you can with what you have and you don't have the power beyond compassion, empathy and wishes over her liver and esophagus and her drinking. Alcoholism isn't a moral issue...your Mom isn't weak...she is alcoholic with an innate and driving compulsion to drink inspite of the severe negative consequences to her life and those around her. Part of her pain is in resisting and not winning the battle...I ((((hold)))) her in my spirit...I know that part of the disease...the insatiable compulsion to drink while it attempts to kill me. Habit and addiction...I needed God and thousands of Al-Anon and AA members to teach me another way of thinking and feeling and believing and acting so that I can be separated from it yet not cured from it.
I know your battle...one of my sponsees is currently going thru the same thing with his own mother who is in the same condition and ready for rehab and resisting...she still drinks because she fears she cannot and doesn't know if the devils will leave if she finds a way to do it. He is besides himself as much as she is. Both of you know and know that you know what is going on...both are powerless over it...This is a God thing...the absolute surrender without resistance to that Power much greater than ourselves and the disease of alcoholism. I am sure you have told her this. I am sure that you know you must do the same surrender.
What amends are you thinking you need to make? You cannot become more powerful or perfect within this. You are by her side and loving her which is just what her and your Higher Power is doing...what more can you do. If alcohol is clouding her mind and spirit along with the other prescribed chemicals how best will she understand it. My wife and I had these concerns when my own mother was dying. She the daughter of an alcoholic was very fear based so much so that on one of our visits she grew very, very agitated that we were going to leave. My wife and I excused ourselves for a minute and went into the hallway to talk about our choices and then went back into the room for another half of an hour. We spoke about what it was that we had which we could give to my Mom who had never been in a face to face Al-Anon meeting and decided that we would reveal to her our slogans and what they did for our spirits when we were in crises; dying and while we taught Mom the slogans we would allow her to teach us about dying and the struggle and acceptance of it. When the half hour was over she let us go with grace and relaxation and acceptance (she could not speak) without fear and we let her go with gratitude.
Maybe the amends might be doing this with acceptance of the fact of it, the reality of it and your full participation because love does that. Love is the opposite of fear. They both cannot exist at the same time and the same place as each other. They are diametrically opposed. I prefer to feel love cause that is the character and personality of my Higher Power.
Speaking from a mom's heart, no matter how much strife there is, no matter what mistakes have been made in the past, it is so soul satisfying for her to hear that you love her. Do not agonize if you don't get to have a heart to heart talk with her because- for a mom,- knowing your child loves you is enough!
