The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
So following the drama a couple of days ago, H had one drink yesterday and one today so far.
People are drinking less too and not offering to get him any drinks - a part from his dad who tried twice.
Anyway, he was bit by a small insect today and OMG, he is in so much pain you know? He actually told his mum he is DYING.
People are running in circles around him offering lotions and solutions and instead of retreating he just stays there doing his suffering face......
I have no sympathy I am afraid.
And now I realise how his brother is constantly trying to do the same stunt but he never has as much success. H was had the fame of a very difficult child. I never understood why his family is so soft towards him.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Its interesting to see the enabling of others. I did this with my son for many years, running around after him, molly coddling him, babifying him, its not a good thing at all. Thank goodness I broke that cycle, we have a much better relationship now, much more normal with healthier boundaries. Dysfunctional families are steeped in denial and its difficult for the players to see their role within it. Have you read the merrygoround called denial? Its an interesting read.x
Luiza ..I hope u can find some time to just relax ... it is soooooo stressful to deal with the drama an A will bring to the table. You and your daughter deserve some time to relax and rest. Big hugs!
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Is it a book el-cee?
Yes, Serenity, I did have time to have fun alone with my daughter and did have time to relax and think a lot. I honestly can't see any way I things will be the same once I am back home. I really need a radical change. It is not only because of alcohol but a whole lot of issues such as personality clash, low compatibility and so on. I feel my growth is stunted being with my H. Even if he didn't have drinking issues and bad temper, we are not a good match.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Its been a while since I read it but I think its a pamphlet, there may be an online version. Its written like a play with everyone in the alcoholics life playing a part in his drinking. Its quite old but it had a big impact on my recovery and learning to detach with love, I read it in my meeting, we did a workshop on it.x
-- Edited by el-cee on Sunday 24th of August 2014 03:45:29 AM
Would you believe that H had the audacity to remark that he was very 'hurt' because I didn't express any sorrow and I didn't worry about his insect bit mark ( he is fine btw, cured miraculously).
He said if it was the other way round he would be trying to nurse me and would be very concerned about me.
I said if it was the other way round, he would never be called a bitch, suffer verbally abuse, get scared and leave the accommodation with our daughter to get away from me and my drunk ness and aggressive behaviour. Shall we compare our behaviours, our hurt?
His only answer was 'but I said sorry'.......
Really? Does he think it is easy as this?
Not anymore I am afraid.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Luiza, I remember those crazy conversations, yet I did not recognize them as his crazy (I reacted with my crazy) until a few years into my recovery work. Even though my gut knew crazy and my rational mind could sort of see it, my head was still busy trying to pretty it all up. I would say to people, "can you believe what he just said or what he just did?" I was looking for the validation I so desperately needed that would tell me I was ok. I only found the validation in my meetings and step work with my sponsor. Continue to take good care....see with a clear heart, eyes wide open and minimal mind chatter. This was impossible for me to do with an active addict/alcoholic around. I am one of those that cannot lovingly detach with active A's around me (ones that I love deeply).
Thanks. Unfortunetely I am stuck abroad until Wednesday. I have my HP, my books, MIP, but I don't have f2f meetings. We had opportunity to talk today without being interrupted. All I can hear is denial. I understand that he is affected by my whithdrawal of love and affection. It has been going on for a while but I just can't be a normal wife if he can't be a normal husband. I will never be able to trust, relax and be loving towards him again. And he said that if I can't change he can't change and he will come back home drunk again and call me a b***. Wow, when someone tell you who they are, believe them. At the same time he is making plans for when we get home, for the next holiday and for the future when he will buy a big house (in one of the most expensive citys of the world with no much land available) with a big garden, two cars and a motorbike....how exactly I don't know...he has a low paid menial job and absolutely 0 money management skills. But if I gently point this out to him I am crushing his dreams and refusing to be supportive.....oh well. I made it clear I am not ready to brush that night under the carpet and forget.
-- Edited by hotrod on Sunday 24th of August 2014 04:40:04 PM
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Ohhh big hugs .. and you are right .. he is showing you what the alcohol has made him into the person he is and he's not lying. My STBX had what I call Champaign dreams on a beer budget, I stopped telling him when they wouldn't workout. One of the funniest stories is this .. soooo .. LOL .. mine liked to chase windmills and I mean that seriously. We were renting in the country (where I was until last April) .. I had to laugh because he just continues to astound me .. why am I surprised?? LOL? Well, he wanted to build a windmill and I remember saying to him .. who are you Don Quixote?? He was hurt and you know he should have been .. was it feasible? NO. LOL .. we lived next door to our landlords I think they would have noticed if all of a sudden a windmill was up and running on our property .. LMAO! Now the more I think about it .. this was an engineer who came up with this idea (I'll lay odds the original tramp at the time) .. anyway, doesn't matter .. what I wished is that I had just let him do what he was doing and NOT said anything. After all what did it matter, we had neither the money or the material to make this happen. It would have kept me from being the bad guy after all you don't think he went back to the people at work including the tramp and said OMG .. what a B* .. she won't let me put up a windmill. He would have neglected to mention that the property wasn't his, .. especially to HER. He would have neglected to mention his financial situation. Eventually the truth would have come out and probably did .. and I'm sure she was wondering what in the world she was doing with someone who had the issues he obviously has. I apply the slogan How Important Is It which is funny because I just read Jerry's post about his marriage .. in this situation .. is it really about my need to be right and prove to him how wrong he was .. I can honestly answer that .. YES. It really was and because of the time and distance I have in the situation I can see I didn't have to waste my time with it because what do you know .. his interest in windmills and solar paneling all died a quick death as he was more interested in sealing the deal with the original tramp. That was my experience with dreams such as this .. they are barstool planners .. the problem is they never leave the barstool.
Hugs S :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Sending you lots of encouragement and support, Luiza. I've been there in a lot of ways with my x. I wanted my x to be somebody he wasn't. He wanted me to be somebody I wasn't, too. Neither of us could see what was hurting us and it truly was not only alcoholism but the fact that we simply couldn't live together and weren't good for each other. That's not true for all couples. That's not true for all relationships. It was true for me and for my x. All the arguing, talking, counseling, even program work couldn't make a mismatch work. I stopped arguing with him and just starting listening to myself. All I needed to know was in me and all I needed to do was there, too. I just had to drop my end of the rope and stop trying to get him to see things, see me, understand things, understand me and listen to me. From there, I began to do what I needed to do for me. I know that you will also do what is best for you and he won't have to understand or agree to it either.
(((L))) I've learned that when I'm in a tug of war and drop my end of the rope, there is no more resistance. I can go do something else and I don't have to pick up that rope again. Stopping what I'm doing, listening to myself, doing something unexpected can be very disarming with someone who thinks they know me and try to push every button that has been mine. I surprised my abusive husband at times - not with violence or brawn or nasty language but with wisdom that was supplied by my HP. I'm not special. I'm as ordinary as anybody else. But, I do believe and have experienced that what is said is true: Our HP is with us and loves us and will guide us if we let go of what we want to happen(fighting reality), let be what is happening(accepting reality), let HP guide us by listening(turning our will and our lives into our HP's care) and then by doing what we intuit is our HP's guidance to us.(asking only for knowledge of God's will and the power to carry it out in our lives). I didn't know all these words and phrases when I was going through much of what you are experiencing and yet I followed those four steps that I know were supplied by whom I believe is the Author of this program. My way wasn't working and the way I just described did.
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 24th of August 2014 08:48:08 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 24th of August 2014 08:49:15 PM
-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 24th of August 2014 08:49:56 PM
My ex had no real job for the longest...The most frequent complaint was that I didn't support him when I was literally "supporting" by paying everything AND I did not crap on his stupid entrepreneurial ideas. Some of them were really ridiculous too. Too ridiculous to even go into details here. Go figure, he got a real job when I left. Similar to you I felt he began to cross boundaries at the end which completely killed the relationship. I could not forgive his badmouthing and trying to drive a wedge between me and my family. I was not a prize either...That relationship drained me. After 7 years I could not tell anyone what kind of person I was, what I liked, what I liked to do...All I knew was drama, arguing, and suffering. I spent several years learning self care and self nurturing. I learned to be my own person and have a larger support network of my own. Life is 100 percent better now. Keep working your program!
Luiza (((((hugs)))))...while you are co-habiting with insanity I have been chuckling with your description of it...affected now by "your" alcoholic and not my own. Maybe during his last drink, I thought, he made contact with the booze fairy and they made plans...oooops he sat on her wand and broke it in half. On the other hand you're lucid and can respond soberly...unfortunately that is with a drunk and it is better to spend those perceptions with us cause we understand and know the picture. Has it been sooo long since I went thru this? Thank you God...now lets go help Luiza. Remember you are not his counselor or sponsor and cannot make him understand with the same mind that he drinks with. Supporting.
Good morning. I am feeling so fine this morning. Whilst H was drinking at the bar and bothering the bartender last night I had a awsome time reading my book and relaxing. I was a bit apprehensive at times as I knew he would come back tottaly wasted but I asked HP to help and guide me. Lived one minute at time. He came back sttagering just going through the motions to get in bed. He had such a bad night, turning left and right, moving legs and arms, squirming.
I had to help him to the loo once otherwise he would pee somewhere else.
He is still coming to our outing this morning but his hangover must be bad.
LoL at champagne dreams on a beer budget and booze fairy.
I will steal these little gems to make my journey more barable.
Thank again guys. I need to make a stronger connection with my HP. I know it.
__________________
Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
I went through the dui thing, and all of the money spent on it.
and everyday, from the minute he wakes, he needs alcohol.
just tonight, he tried breaking down the freshly replaced bathroom door, making false accuations bc he got his hands on a bottle of vodka
I love him, but when he's drunk, he even looks different to me. I feel a sinking feeling in my heart when i see him like this, one that says, leave now, lest i take a louiville slugger to his drunk disrespectfu mouth.
it's going on 3 years now, with no end in sight.
it wont stop until one of us is dead, i am ready to give up
Luiza, My AH is the same way; baby of the family, and the only two family members he has left still baby him; he is 51. When I tried to talk to them honestly about his drinking (6-7 years ago) I was quickly kicked out of their family. All communication stopped. The A loved this is he can keep us apart, and we are not dicussing his drinking. He plays them like a fiddle telling them lies about me and building up their hate towards me. My AH still takes vacations to see them (2 weeks about 3 times a year) alone. When he gets back I get to hear about how they love him and accept him just the way he is....... I have stopped getting drug into this conversation but in the past told him I love him but do not like his drinking, as it makes him someone that I do not know. Then he goes on a tangent about how he doesn't have a drinking problem. I got off the merry go round and he now rides it alone having this argument with the air around him.
What I have learned through AlAnon is that most people, even well meaning people, just do not understand this disease. They think you can just lay down the bottle, and life will get back to normal. I did not understand it and I lived w/ it. In the same way we can't cure the diseaase, I can not make other people understand the disease. They can pick up books and read them the same way that I did. They can go to a meeting and hear from others that are living w/ this and finding serentity. But, they are more concerned w/ him liking them then helping him.
When I read step 1, I am powerless over alcohol, for me, it goes beyond the alcohol, and the alcoholic, but into the world in general. I just can't control other people in general; how they think, what they do, how they live. I can't control how they should deal with my A (confront him and tell him to stop). For someone who is always responsible and orderly, it seemed weird to give up this percieved power, but by doing so I actually felt free. Free not to make the decisions for everyone else. Free to not judge their decisions that are different than my own. Free to not have to solve every problem to my satisfaction. Free to Live and Let Live. God is the Judge, not me.
Let Go and Let God take all those worries, stresses, frustrations,...... from you and just sit still & breath. He can handle them, and you can just be.
-- Edited by blessed on Monday 25th of August 2014 06:39:41 AM
-- Edited by blessed on Monday 25th of August 2014 06:42:39 AM
Luiza: I am so happy to read what you experienced last night as you read your book and also invited your HP to help you and to guide you. The fact that you are feeling good this morning is an outcome of your choices. Good work.
I am safely back at home now thank God.
The last two days of the vacation were ok. I enjoyed myself.
On one day we were at this incredible paradisiac location, H sulked for the WHOLE day. Midday when daughter and I was having fun he made it clear he wouldn't have any and tried to get us all back to the accommodation. I told him to go alone. I would stay and make the most of the day. He stayed but with a sour face for the whole day. He never smiled once. He said 10 words for the whole day, maybe less. His loss. Daughter and I had a great time despite his shadow over us.
Following and last day was a tour. He then decided to be a bit more normal and I was civil, I am treating him with respect and as a friend. He still think we can be a couple again and keeps trying to get "close" (sex) but I avoid and he shows unhappiness. However won't talk about anything.
It will be a long process and I need strength as to not fall back in the old pattern and think the marriage can work. It can not. It is not only the alcohool, it is the whole of him.
It isn't a good match. Deep inside he knows it and I am sure he also thinks he could benefit with being free. But he is scared of changes and being away from our daughter.
I do not think he loves me as he says he does. I have to remind myself that not to want to divorce doesn't equal love.
I think he is just addicted to me. He is dependent on me. I was the first serious girlfriend and he even was a virgin before meeting me whereas I have had loads of boyfriends and even an ex husband. And I am only 4 years older. This shows how different we are.
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
Luiza .. A's do one of three things when they are in the throws of their sig other changing .. they get help, the drink worse or they find another enabler. You are right to protect yourself. Addicts can't live themselves and for me to believe my STBAX ( omgosh I will be extremely grateful to say X at some point. ) cars about anything or anyone than his next fix is unrealistic expectations on my part. I never would have thought he wouldn't see the kids for 8 months. I never would have thought he would have had 7 months with them and now they no longer want to see him. He's supposedly not drinking however .. drunk thinking .. completely there! Out of 4 years he has been single 90 days .. I am counting about the time he started with the original tramp. As we had not split .. there has never been a real break in relationships. So he wanted to have me as long as no one else was available. Its who he is .. he can't be some because he's then some with his thoughts. That is a scary plane for an addict. Ib know how I feel about really being alone with my thoughts. That's where alanon has helped me. His starting has little to do with me our the kids and everything to do with fear. More he's in panic mode because he's being questioned by the New girlfriend about meeting the kids. He's putting on the good dad act. Hugs s :)
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Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
Thanks Serenity.
I am seeing the whole think as a lack of love and compatibility. I will try to leave the disease out of it.
Even if he was to get sober and even not being dry drunk, I still wouldn't want to remain married anymore.
His personality doesn't go with mine and we have very different ways to live life. Complete different tastes. But we do not compliment each other.
I got married knowing this and thought I could change him, believed he would change. I wanted to help him and live his life for him My disease.
Off to my first online meeting now!
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Sometimes the smallest step in the right direction ends up being the biggest step of your life. Tip toe if you must but take the step.
When we start getting real honest with ourselves as you are doing, Luiza, we begin to let ourselves out of a self-imposed prison where we can feel the kiss of sunlight on our cheeks, the soft rustling of our hair by gentle breezes, our feet planted firmly on the ground, and our minds and hearts slowly coming back together again in a way that helps us feel grounded and supported. Glad to read this this morning, Luiza.
