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Post Info TOPIC: This sucks so much less than I expected....


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 1887
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This sucks so much less than I expected....


I'm actually a little shocked by how much I am enjoying this.

Because my week was filled with "doings"  and achievements I felt OK with just enjoying the peace today. I lay outside in the sun for most of it listening to the birds and just "being in the moment". I thought..you know what? I haven't sun-baked just for the sake of sunbaking since I was a teenager. Then I thought about going inside to look for a bikini. Then I realised there is no-one home and no-one coming home and no-one can see me so I don't need one LOL. 

Strangely I haven't felt any urge at all to call and find out A's intentions or see how he is. It's like a "Shrodinger's Relationship" just now; as long as I don't talk to him he is both coming back and staying gone at the same time...lol. I'm just enjoying the fact that I'm happy and not worried. It's not what I would have expected from myself. Tomorrow will bring plenty of choices and concerns but just for right now I'm LOVING the fact that I'm just fine all by myself. I have not felt lonely once (except when we had a thunderstorm and the lights flickered LOL)

A lot of what has kept me "frozen" has been fear of the way I fall to pieces when I am without a man.

Correction...I guess the fear of the way I USED to fall to pieces when I was without a man.

 A has left me before..the last time was about 3 years ago and I ran out after him and begged him not to go. Then I called his mum like 5 times a day until he talked to me. I was an awful sad twisted crazy mess and when he came back I was so scared he would leave again that I accepted...in a way demanded that he treat me as badly as he liked as long as he never left me again. I blamed me and I let him blame me too..because I got mad and went nuts about his behaviour...it was easy to feel guilty bout the going nuts and forget all about the behaviour that drove me insane in the first place or the fact that tolerating it and having no boundaries made me feel so gross and pathetic and weak.

This time I didn't go nuts at anyone. I didn't try to stop him, I didn't engage or give myself anything to feel regretful about. I don't have any niggling doubts (oh, should I have...should i not have)...I defended a perfectly reasonable boundary which is...I don't want to be pawed at and slobbered all over by a falling down drunk. I can't regret standing up for myself and I won't regret the consequence, in fact if it means he decided he's not getting his needs enabled anymore and he's left then that's a positive thing for me because who wants to be with someone who only stays with you because you let them do horrible things to you and don't complain?

I have a lot of things to be grateful for, I have opportunities, projects and classes and goals and challenges to occupy my mind, a wonderful child who deserves a joyful energetic mother, new things to enjoy like driving myself around, friendships I can nurture and develop, I rejoined that cosmetics company I used to sell for and that's a nice way to meet other ladies and expand my social network, and I can drive myself to meetings, and when i ask myself the question...do i want A to come back or not...the honest answer is, I don't really feel like I want to be in a romantic relationship right now. I have spent most of my life obsessing about men and feeling sad.

Do you know what it was like? (Of course you do lol). But it was like, OK, one night A and I were waiting at a very old ATM machine...there used to be this funny slot you had to move into position so you could read the prompts? Anyone remember those? Anyway the guy in front of us took a really really long time and kept cancelling his transaction and taking his card out and putting it back in. he finally turned to us and he was so very, very stoned, and he said "I'm so sorry but the writing is upside down and I can't figure it out. Good luck guys, the machine is broken".

So we figured out pretty quickly that somehow he had the slot angled so that he was looking at the writing upside down and reflected in the shiny black plastic instead of adjusting it downwards so he could see the correct image...OMG we laughed and laughed and laughed.

But I think that's how it was for me before; I ONLY knew how to see life reflected by other people and the image I got was completely distorted and back-to-front. But now I have these tools that allow me to see through my own eyes, feel my own feelings, I just have to take a few seconds to adjust my view and see that I am looking correctly. What I see now is amazing; stuff I never even knew was possible and I'm really enjoying it and I have no interest or desire to do the compromising or give-and-take that come with even a healthy romance. I guess I'm saying not only do I not feel like I NEED a man in my life right now (or a woman), I think I would prefer...not to have to worry about someone else's needs in the way that is required in a relationship. I have all of this new stuff to enjoy and I think I'd like to enjoy it by myself, for the moment.

I know that if A is not coming back I will feel sad and possibly that will be overwhelming and awful for a time because in spite of everything I do feel so much love and grief for the guy I fell in love with. But I don't feel afraid of those feelings; I'll get through them and then there will be more happiness and being at peace all by myself. I think i will actually feel a bit disappointed if he does come back (and he probably will, let's be realistic) but the way i have felt since he walked out the door...this calm joyful feeling...hhas been a real eye opener and it's really putting to rest the doubt and fear i felt before.

Part of me still believes and hopes that A is my soul-mate and one day he can find some spiritual recovery and be a good and decent partner to me but that won't happen if we keep living that awful sad draining existence and he has a much better chance away from me and all of the delusions and sickness that our relationship created and nurtured. And that way even if he never does find any recovery I wont be living next to it and feeling destroyed by it every day. 

And OMG it's thundering again, PLEASE HP don't let there be a blackout because I will seriously end up under the bed with the dog shivering if that happens LOL. No matter how brave I am feeling, I'm still kinda scared of the dark LOL.

 

 

 



-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 23rd of August 2014 08:20:42 AM



-- Edited by missmeliss on Saturday 23rd of August 2014 08:47:16 AM

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If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 7576
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Melly, I find your share to be incredibly insightful and to quote a word coined by Carolyn Myss - delicious. Watching you celebrate the freedom that you have right now makes me want to cheer. And your final sentence: No matter how brave I am feeling, I'm still kinda scared of the dark - honey, that's true for me, too.

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



Senior Member

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Melly I have been following your progress in growing into a wonderful, independent woman. We do not need just any man in our life- we do not need a guy to 'finish' us, to 'need' us, to feel that we are whole. We need a partner, not to complete us, but to compliment the wonderful beings we are. And really, until we are ready to say that we are ok with being alone, that we can stand on our own and even enjoy the process, we are not ready to wisely choose a mate.

Just as your A is not the man you fell in love with, you are not the woman who chose him. You have grown emotionally and intellectually.

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PP


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3964
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When it sucks less than what we expect it is such a wonderful surprise...no resentments, anger.  I am inspired by your courage and perseverance in reaching for your happiness.



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Paula



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3613
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Melly, you are inspiring.  And who knows what might happen if there's a blackout?  Maybe it would be cozy and comfortable in the darkness.  There are no limits to how different the world can be when we take care of ourselves.  Hope you are having a great time!



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Senior Member

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Thank you for your motivating share. smile



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~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 1887
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I woke up and inexplicably cried my heart out for hours. Then I was super-bitchy to the ticket man at the train station and then cried in front of him. He was kind of a jerk but even so....
That's OK, I sort of expected it to hurt at some stage. But even when I was sobbing hysterically it was a positive sadness, like..I felt like "I can get through this, thank HP it's finally happening". And it wasn't really about A either it was just a horrible sadness about what I have put myself through, all of the pain and loneliness and self depreciation, years of it, why???
It was weird to cry and feel so sad and hurt but at the same time be feeling positive and telling myself "It's OK, it's finally going to be OK".
I'm so grateful to have you fine folk to share this with and make sense of it all.

I grabbed a copy of The Jerk today and am about to watch it, lol after Kenny referenced it. I loved Steve Martin when I was a kid, he made me laugh and laugh and laugh.


__________________

If I had a world of my own, everything would be nonsense. Nothing would be what it is, because everything would be what it isn't. And contrary wise, what is, it wouldn't be. And what it wouldn't be, it would. You see? (Lewis Caroll)



~*Service Worker*~

Status: Offline
Posts: 7576
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Sounds as if your tears were very cleansing for you, Melly. That knowledge makes me smile with happiness for you.  To let go of some of what you carried with you for so long is a necessary part of recovery.  Living with an abusive person just like living with an A is too much for us and when they're not present and we can finally breathe a bit in relief, we can let up some of what we've been holding down to make it through our days.  To me, based on my own experience, what you are sharing is a sign of healing.



-- Edited by grateful2be on Sunday 24th of August 2014 07:53:22 AM

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"Darkness is full of possibility." Leunig



~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 5663
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Melly, it is a tragedy. Over the last several years, you have watched someone decompensate from alcoholism. It seems to me he didn't even leave because of your or your relationship but because he was just so sick that he needed a mommy to take care of him and you are a young lady with a daughter to look out for. It was putting your whole life on hold dealing with him. Also melly, from everything you were saying, It seemed to me that it's time for the hospitals and rehabs to start for him or else you were going to just find him dead in his room within the next year or two. That is a really sad thing.

It was also a traumatic relationship on so many levels and it's difficult to heal from past trauma when you are still being constantly exposed to it. I can envision growing so tough on the outside from all that trauma exposure and then when the cause/person isn't there any more....wow....a flood of emotions.

Either way, I don't walk in your shoes, but I'm pretty sure I can grasp some of what you are feeling and I definitely validate it. It's like when we see war movies and the main character survives and then they are just crying and crying on the plane ride home...

I do think he will get sick of his mom and be in contact....Something similar happened when my ex-A needed to be hospitalized finally after trying to kill himself by taking pills while totally wasted. After me being on my own for the week or so that he was in the mental hospital, I realized I was okay being without him. He did not anticipate that...It was very soon after that I left.

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~*Service Worker*~

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I can relate to that feeling like how on earth did I live that way for so long. Its so sad, loss is loss and with alcoholism the loss is a constant. It sounds like you are choosing soothing activities like steve martin, who doesnt like a bit of him, laughter is the best medicine they say.x

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PP


~*Service Worker*~

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Posts: 3964
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This sounds like a much awaited purging...the wisdom within you was waiting patiently and when it knew it was safe for you to release what needed to be released, it did.  Sounds like there was a bunch of compassion for you that was in the mix, too.  I like what I read and am happy to be with you through these times.   These words are not al anon approved, but they seemed fitting to post here:

I would rather walk with a friend in the dark, than alone in the light. 
 
Helen Keller



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Paula

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