lost and hopeless - Al-Anon Family Group

ejriney · Newbie

lost and hopeless

grateful2be · ~*Service Worker*~

Hi. Welcome. There is probably a contact person and phone number associated with the group meeting you are interested in. You can call ahead to talk with that person if that would help you walk across the threshold of the meeting place. I am also shy/reserved/introverted until I get to know others and I discovered that I could walk into any meeting, feel the discomfort, sit down and feel at home within a few minutes of being there. It takes courage to do something new and you've got it because you just reached out to all of us and we're all strangers. You found the right room here. I'm sure you can find the right room for a face to face meeting.

Others will come in to greet you. I'm glad you're here. I hope you take the next step beyond us and go to a meeting, too.

PP · ~*Service Worker*~

Welcome ejriney, I agree with Grateful. This might sound strange, since the conversation might be new, but your Higher Power has led you here and is leading you to face to face meetings. You already have shown courage by sharing with this anonymous fellowship. It is a fellowship that knows your story as though it was ours. It is mine. I understand all of what you posted because I lived it and felt it. There is hope and you are not alone. Al anon will help bring you to a place of sanity while keeping the focus on you and not on your loved ones.

Your life has been affected by your boyfriends alcohol use...one thing you can count on is his drinking will get worse (unless HE chooses recovery) and you will see less of the man you love and more of the abusive man. You cannot in anyway force him into recovery. You can, however, recover from the effects the alcohol has had on you. Keep coming back!

pinkchip · ~*Service Worker*~

Relationships are important yes. But when I used to believe another person could "be my everything" and that they were "heaven on earth" to me, that was a big set up for unhappiness. It was turning my romantic partners into god and I lost myself in the process. It does sound like you have him on a pedestal and also that you have the relationship taking priority over everything else in the world. In my experience, to have a healthy relationship, you need to be able to be happy on your own and be prepared to let the other person go if you have to. We don't own other people and two halves in a relationship do not make a whole...that makes two incomplete and needy people. Two wholes make a couple. Once you are really whole, complete, not so reliant on someone to be your world and shape your destiny, then you can give love freely and maturely and travel along in life with a partner rather than trying to make someone fit with you as if you are one. When you do that, you often attract addicts because their egos need to be worshipped and while they are addicted to booze, you are addicted to them. Not a great dynamic. Focus on you. Building a rich life with lots of interests and friends and put faith in a higher power rather than a boyfriend. At that point, you will no longer be devastated by the thought of breaking up with someone.

Jerry F · ~*Service Worker*~

Aloha "E" and welcome to the board. I felt that way, sounded that way and acted that way when I first got into Al-Anon and then later came to know that most people do that during change and acting on "new" directions. I was fear based and a loner and also didn't know what, where, who, why and when as I reached the doors of the face to face meetings and I was too afraid not to because I knew I was insane and I was at the point of considering suicide which I had considered before in my first marriage to an addict. I come from with this fatal disease so feeling afraid and unsure and insane is normal.

If you scroll back over the stories of others on this board you will read your story repeatedly which means you are in the right place with the best support. Solutions for change are here and you can use whatever you like from others to start your recovery or change. Al-Anon is a step and tradition social model recovery process with those who have come for change and learned how to effect change pass it on to others who follow thru the doors. We are world wide so you are not alone within this problem. If you keep and open mind...you will find help. Start now and keep coming back often. Don't let fear cause you to stay away. There are way better emotions to choose than just fear. (((((hugs))))) smile

1lostmom · Member

Ejriney,

Hi there and welcome.

It sounds like you are very frustrated with the situation with your boyfriend. I have been there before- my husband was very similar when we started dating. Admitted that he had a DUI in the past, but assured me that he could control his drinking and that he was just a "social" drinker. By the time I was willing to look at the bigger picture and stop living in denial, I was completely in love with the man.

I can relate to how you are feeling about him being one person when he is sober and someone else entirely when he is drinking. I honestly think that Dr. Jekyll and Mr. Hyde was written about an alcoholic.

I remember being where you were and going to my first al-anon meeting. I remember feeling guilty and manipulated and desperate for answers about how to make him stop Drinking. I still feel that way sometimes. But you cannot control another person. Your boyfriend will not get sober unless HE wants to and HE makes those changes. No amount of nagging, or worrying on your end will ever be able to fix him. You didn't cause his drinking, you can't control his drinking, and you can't cure him. That is the bad news. The good news is that you don't have to live your life feeling this way. You can focus on you and your healing and your serenity.

Wishing you healing and peace. Keep coming back.

The material presented here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method to exchange information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal level.