The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I met him, felt an immediate connection (turns out he's very much like my father) and married him after a few short months. Didn't take long to see that alcohol was a problem, and I tried to reason with him about controlling himself. That turned into lies and fights and loss of trust (as newlyweds). A few months later he quit drinking (my father has been in recovery for years) and started attending AA with my family members. Soon he decided AA wasn't for him but he stayed sober for a year. The entire year he continued to hide things from me, lie to me, manipulate and sneak around, betray my trust repeatedly and show no remorse. Sociopath behavior as it turns out!
then I came home to him drunk one day. Then again. Then he gets Ativan from the doctor (doesn't tell me, lies when I ask him if he's on something, because he's acting like he's on something). Then he asks me for "permission" to start drinking again. (Yes, totally co-dependent relationship, I see that now). I realized that by trying to keep him from drinking I am simply prolonging the inevitable, so I tell him to do whatever he wants, stop asking for my opinion or permission (I get punished anyway when he doesn't like my answer).
anyway, blah blah blah, after about 2 months of sheer insanity he admits now that he shouldn't drink, quits again, but is still bucking the AA recovery idea. Throws himself into work, still treats me like crap, the insanity continues. Completely unreasonable, defensive, no remorse, no honesty, no humility.
So am I married to a sociopath? dry drunk? Is there any hope without AA?
I'm trying to apply alanon principles and my thinking is changing, and my attitudes toward many situations are improving. but I am fearful that he will really never get better. That i will always suffer for his misery and addiction and that I don't have the option to have a happy marriage with him. That this cycle of crazy will just keep repeating.
any advice or words of wisdom would be appreciated.
The Gifts or Promises of AlAnon is a link at the top of the page. My experience is that this is correct. We will NOT have to torture ourselves for someone else's behavior.
It takes work to get out of the situation, especially if we have lived with alcoholism in our home.
Your concerns are valid. He may never enter recovery in earnest which means what you are experiencing now will worsen. Al-Anon will not save him and it can save you. The disease is a killer that affects everyone involved. The person with the disease is sick. We get sick, too. Focusing on our loved one will only result in us getting worse. Focusing on ourselves and getting the education and support we need to save ourselves in Al-Anon is the solution that many of us have experienced and suggest to newcomers to MIP. Alanon is usually listed in the white pages in our phone books. If not there, you can check the World Service Office for Al-Anon website for information on where meetings are held in your area.
I have no words of wisdom, but I just wanted to let you know that you're not alone. I married a sociopath, or dry drunk. I have come to realize alcohol is not only his problem. But you don't have suffer and be miserable because of his actions. You can't make him change, but YOU can change. I'm completely new to al anon so I'm still learning the steps myself. But I believe you CAN have a happy life. There is hope, no matter what he does. Hang in there
I relate to a lot of your share. By working my Al-anon program I have found happiness, peace, calm and contentment regardless of what my AH is doing. I have learned to put my focus on myself and my needs. Untangled our finances so what he does financially does not affect my security. Set and imposed good strong boundaries, with consequences when needed. Built my own life and activities.
When I didn't understand alcoholism, I am a recovering A myself too, I thought it was 'just' about a person physically drinking alcohol. Gosh, no I was very wrong. That is just a side issue, a symptom. It is the whole way of thinking, seeing the world and behaving. As you describe, whether the person is dry or wet, without a program their behaviour is just as difficult.
I was also attracted to AH as his behaviour was an absolute mirror of my dads. Of course, I didn't know that at the time.
Aloha Kay. You have already gotten some very useful feedback. When I got it I followed thru on it and am very grateful I had the support of the program to do so. I was born and raised in the disease and was married to my second addicted spouse before finding the rooms of Al-Anon. Only one of the things I learned in the rooms was to expect my alcoholic/addict wife to be an alcoholic/addict and not someone she couldn't or wouldn't be. I learned she was sick and not bad and so I learned not to judge her morally and to acknowledge how the disease ran and resulted in the insanity we were in.
There are so many psychological diagnoses that can be used within alcoholism. Alcohol affects the mind, moods, spirit and behaviors and so the negative displays are endless and the chemical exacerbates problems which were already there before.
I like sociopath as a term only myself. See I am also a recovering alcoholic who used to be considered crazy during the drinking years...wet or dry. Dry drunking is really insane often because one expects that if the drinker isn't drinking they are normal...what's normal?
Glad you're here. You are not alone and have lots of MIP support and love right now. Do the program and keep coming back. ((((hugs))))
My experience is that any problem drinker who is trying to stay sober without working a formal program of recovery as hard as they can will relapse. They all declare they can do it on their own, and I've seen many of them try, but I've never seen one succeed. So he may be a dry drunk for now, but in my experience he will become a wet drunk again without a formal program of recovery.
The statistics are that only 15%-25% of those who enter formal recovery programs (which yours is not in, of course) will achieve longterm sobriety. This is the statistic I wish someone had told me early on. I kept waiting for the change to happen. I had no idea how strong addiction is. And underlying that, of course, are many dysfunctional, unhealthy, even abusive ways of behavior which require major life overhaul to change.
I am reminded of the saying, "When someone tells you who he is, believe him." I suspect your husband is telling you who he is.
The good news is that we can detach ourselves from the insanity and get our own recovery program, because being around alcoholism and all its behaviors sucks everyone into the whirlwind. We can achieve peace and serenity whether or not they go on drinking. I hope you'll read through the threads here, find a face-to-face meeting, get the literature, and join us on the path to serenity. Hugs.
Your story is pretty much my story OP. Two things are different, I didn't marry mine and I didn't find out he was an alcoholic for about a year into our relationship. He hides it very well. Not drinking now for about 4 days but....we certainly have been through those cycles of dry drunks. He, too, is one that feels can do it without A.A. and do it "alone." Good luck to you, you are in the right place.
My AH has been going to AA for 3 yrs after being dry for 30 years. But still is not
Emotionally sober and has been much more abusive toward me since
Starting AA. It is not the answer all. They still need to face themselves
And learn the word humility to be teachable. Squash the ego and arrogance.
That is a very tall order for an A. He is also doing aa his way no sponsor,
No steps. He likes to help the young guys and needy attractive females.
After starting aa My dry ah had one emotional affair with An active A girl across the street
He was going to save her. Now he has another affair going with a recovering A gf that he
Was helping emotionally talking and texting and who knows what else they are closed mouthed bunch
and now he is seeing her and wants a divorce from me. He refused to work on the marriage and
is actively enjoying his new love Interest. He living at his mothers.
Yes my ah is a dry drunk of 30 yrs my therapist said they are some of the
Hardest nuts to crack. Also she says he is an abuser. To get away from him.
Both of my therapist said that. And i stayed and tried to work on the marriage.
he refused to work on it emotionally and mentally. He had checked out with no intent
on returning. Didn't know if he loved me a anymore, we weren't compatible , i
worked too much. Our discussions never went anywhere productive.
Midlife crisis,dry drunk and an abuser rolled into one. And he doesn't appear
To care how much hurt he dumps in me. I guess the more the better. We will
Need to sell our home because neither of us can afford to live there alone.
New gf has her own house but with 2 teenagers.
Yes i do attend alanon and do have a sponsor. Our problems went much too
Deep without both of us actively trying to work on the marriage. I personally
Believe the abuse issue with him is what is holding him back. He can not and
Will not face that. He is an emotional bully at best. That was how he was raised
And momma is right their to protect her way of life. She states he is not an
Alcoholic because he doesn't drink anymore. And she treats our problems as
Marital problems not dry drunk problems. He has been running to her the last
11 years instead of dealing with our problems. We kept her out the first 18
Years. He was typically gone for 5 days home for 2. So we got along and did
Stuff when he was home, worked as a team, then things changed and he was
Home all the time not gone anymore and it has been hell since then. His
nastiness really Started coming out.
I am writing this because a lot of people think being dry and going to aa
Alone without any changes will change their mate it wont. I know i put up
With unacceptable behaviors too long. I am paying the price now, alanon
Tools are wonderful and helpful when you need them. They are saving me
And my sanity. I am reaching out and asking for help i stead of isolating.
i too am like Miranda my husband was sober 30 years and recently relapsed. He has been binge drinking so much he doesn't hardly come home any more. I am still waiting for him to come home from last night. It's almost 11:00 am. What kind of person stays gone like that? Oh, ya it's an alcoholic. The disease gas no boundaries.
Keep working the program. I keep telling myself this daily. I will hopefully awake up to this abuse one day soon.
Thank you for your personal stories. This is so much uglier than I ever dreamed it could be. You take care of yourselves, my heart goes out to you all. Thank you for being here! I so appreciate all the feedback, and all the other posts. Xoxoxoxox
There are sooo many issues that go with the alcoholism and that whole emotional sobriety is HUGE. Until someone embraces emotional sobriety there is no hope in terms of removing the alcohol sometimes an ass is left in the active drinkers space. This is personal opinion .. a dry drunk is still an active drunk .. the drunk thinking is still there. It has helped me to go to open AA meetings and listen to their stories and each one goes back to the fact that the alcohol was only a symptom of the bigger picture because they had a thinking problem that the alcohol soothed. The best speaker I ever heard explained it this way .. imagine having a car put together wrong in the back (I guess years ago you could interchange back ends with specific models) well if you didn't do it right there was a horrible noise that would happen and no one else could see it outside .. inside it was like a constant whirring that went on and it was to the point that when someone asked how are you today .. he would come unglued. The only way he got relief from that sound was his addiction to ethyl alcohol .. it wasn't even a long time .. that perfect point of finding mind ease was 8 min at the max and the rest of the drinking was chasing that 8 min of bliss from noise and everything else. That was the first time I thought ohhh .. I get it .. I can understand what it might be like to be in the mind of an addict.
That is why in the rooms you hear Alcohol is only the tip of the iceberg. There is a WHOLE lot more going on under the surface.
I have only realized that there are personality disorders that go with this behavior and the biggest one in an active or dry A is anti-social behavior disorder and that's the one that tells them they are above the law and the rules just don't apply (I refer it to it as being a special snowflake).
So you are asking if an A can be a sociopath and I'm going to say YES .. absolutely it can go with the addiction active OR dry.
Addiction is a spiritual, mental, physical, emotional deficiency .. without a program of recovery and I don't care how someone gets there just get there .. all 4 of those things need to be made whole in order to work through these issues. That again is an opinion. Addiction is brutal, it's one of the few diseases that will tell you nothing is wrong and you are now "safe" to drink.
Alanon saved me from being sucked further into the hell that my STBAX had made for himself. I thought I needed to go down that path with him and I can see now I never had to take that road .. I wish for my sake and that of the kids I hadn't believed that .. his issues are his and we have our own to deal with. Keep coming back .. once my divorce is finalized I will keep coming back because my STBAX wasn't my first A and I just choose not to go down that road again.
Hugs S :)
Hugs S :)
__________________
Faith minus vulnerability and mystery equals extremism. If you've got all the answers, then don't call what you do "faith". - Brene Brown
"Whatever truth you own doesn't own you" - Gary John Bishop
