The material presented
here is not Al-Anon Conference Approved Literature. It is a method
to exchange
information, ideas, feelings, problems and solutions on a personal
level.
I fully understand that I am completely and utterly powerless over alcohol. I know what it is, and I know and understand the physical, mental, emotional and spiritual pain that this powerful drug can inflict. I understand that I am powerless and I accept this.
With this new understanding, I know God is restoring me to sanity. I no longer fight the effects of alcohol. I simply remove myself from its presence. I feel a peace inside. Actually, I sometimes feel more powerful than the alcohol because I refuse to allow myself to become engaged in these battles. (please understand that its easy for me, because there is only me my children are grown)
I have made the decision to turn my will and my life over to the care of my God. I did this before I found Al-Anon. Doing step 3 is actually what led me to Al-Anon.
I have gotten to step 4 and Im afraid. What am I going to find out about myself. There are things that happened to me when I was a little girl that I did not remember until I was in my mid 30s. I cannot begin to explain the pain I suffered from these memories. Now that I am thinking about this, Im wondering if some of my rage that I directed at my alcoholic husband was not misplaced, or maybe its a culmination of both my ah and memories from when I was little. I dont even know where to begin with step 4.
-- Edited by cloudyskies on Friday 22nd of August 2014 07:01:23 PM
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Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
Is there a difference between self worth and self esteem? I am an educated woman with a Master's Degree in Education. I taught school for 22 years, have recently retired. I don't feel I have low self esteem, but I feel like I lost my self worth, and I feel like this goes wayyy back, past my ah.
__________________
Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
I don't think its a good idea to work Step 4 without a sponsor? Are you working it with a sponsor? For me, Step 4 was a big help to me. I found more assets than defects but after living with constant criticism, it was difficult to find those assets at first. Having a person outside of me to guide the process and point out was actually an asset that I thought was a problem was a big help. I couldn't have done that for and with myself.
As far as self-esteem goes - I don't have a dictionary definition of it. For me, it has to do with what I can do. Self-worth has to do with who I am apart from what I do. I want to be loved for me and not for what I do. People can focus on what I can do and I can feel good about what I do but take away what I can do and I'm left with who I am as a person, a woman, a living being.
Dear cloudy skies, I can certainly identify with your concern and hesitancy about working step four. It is important to work all the steps with the sponsor but as Grateful 2-B points out it is is extremely important to work step 4 with a sponsor.
I was prompted to work this step for several reasons----- the main reason being that it would help me to uncover my inner attitudes and some of the destructive habits that I had that hurt me.
The entire focus of Al-Anon, and the steps in particular ,is to unburden me of my negative destructive behavior and set myself free. I don't worry or need not worry about anybody else only how my behavior, assets and defects affect my life.
I believe that self-esteem is built by doing esteemable actions. Acknowledging those actions is part of who you are is extremely important as it is appreciating our own self-worth. I know I would deny my self-worth, make myself invisible and make others more important and visible. This was interesting to discover and the antidote was simple, keep the focus on myself,make a daily gratitude and asset list and share my positives with my sponsor.
The Al-Anon book:How Al-Anon Works was a great help in working the steps. I also suggest to those I sponsor that they could use the AA the book's suggestion regarding the fourth step.
This is a small simple outline and is easy to understand and work. The Big Book suggests that we; list all of our resentments, indicate the person we resent, indicate what emotion this affected within us, indicate our part in the situation.
It also suggests that we list the seven deadly sins and analyze our behavior with those in mind . These are lust gluttony, anger, greed, sloth,envy pride)
While you are listing these, it is suggested that you also list your assets as it refers to your virtues such as prudence, justice, temperance (or restraint), and courage (or fortitude). faith, hope, and charity (or love).
Now I'm sure you'll see why it is important to work this with a sponsor.
I would like to add that after working the fourth and fifth step I finally felt I joined the human race and for the first time felt connected and non-judgmental of others. Please continue with your work. You are well worth it
Thanks G2B and HR. I have spoken with one of my group members(probably will be my sponsor) about step 4, and she told me to hold on and take it slow. So that's what I'm doing. And after mulling over step 4 last night, I can understand why she is encouraging me to "keep it simple" for the time being.
Thanks for your help.
__________________
Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
When I did step 4, I didn't learn anything new about myself persay. It just helped me clarify some thing. I was the one who lived it all. I was the "main" actor. It was not a process of dredging up the unconscious for me. It was putting it all on paper, taking note of themes, and basically prioritizing the ways I wanted to change and move on with self-improvement. The themes that were obvious for me were leaping from relationship to relationship, putting all my faith in others to give me happiness, getting disappointed and losing myself when people couldn't fulfill my huge void of neediness, and then acting out...It went like that...rinse and repeat for my whole adult life. Oh and I had a giant martyr complex. But the thing is....none of it was a surprise to me. I knew I was like that. I just saw more clearly how it all played out. It was organized, on paper, and I had committed to working with my sponsor, my HP, and in the program to NOT acting that way anymore. That is when I really started changing.
Treasures buried in mud is what I found. My sponsor helped me to bring those treasures to the light, talk about them and celebrate them. She helped me to be fearless in the digging through the mud and stirring things up. You wont know what you will find; I bet you will not regret digging for your treasure. You sound insightful and committed to your recovery, big yay for you
Thanks pinkchip and PP. We'll see. I just want to move forward which brings me to another one of my shortcomings. I'm impatient. While I don't have a sponsor at this time, I have two ladies in my group with whom I feel very close and I unload on them weekly. They want me to slow down and keep it simple at the moment. They want me to get a little more time in the program, and they want me to become grounded in the first three steps which makes perfectly good sense to me.
Thanks for your replies.
__________________
Look for the rainbow after the storm, and I'm sending you a double dose of HOPE. H-hold O-on P-pain E-ends
They sound wise Maybe it isn't impatience....whatever it is, it is ok. Be gentle with you; living with addictions wounds us deeply. We can't wallow in the wounds or that continues to wound us, yet we can give those wounds what they need to heal. Let the gentleness towards you begin with you.
Maybe it isn't impatience....whatever it is, it is ok. Be gentle with you; living with addictions wounds us deeply. We can't wallow in the wounds or that continues to wound us, yet we can give those wounds what they need to heal. Let the gentleness towards you begin with you.