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Post Info TOPIC: Dishonesty


~*Service Worker*~

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Dishonesty


Paula, I do believe that this thread has received so much attention and such a wide range of responses is because in Grateful2 B's last sentence she asked:

"I'm wondering if others have run into this same kind of thing in your recovery circles and what you've decided to do in relationship to another person who continues to talk the talk but not walk the walk?"

I believe that once we are able to "cross talk" on another's idea we will always encounter differences  of opinion.

It is also a great reminder that my alanon meeting closes with  the statement that it is all" just opinion" and the opinions expressed are those of the person who expressed them and we can take what we like and leave the rest .  Here we were asked to comment and many did just that .




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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
PP


~*Service Worker*~

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I like that we can express our opinions, within the guidelines, on this forum and in meetings.  I may not like what I hear or read, but that does not matter, what matters is the growth I get from what I experience which I can then apply to my daily activities. I don't take what I like and leave the rest, because there may be wisdom in that which I do not like. 



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Paula



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Hi,

an old timer once told me that he would help  anyone who was willing to help themselves but he would not carry anyone anymore.

 

hugs tracy xx



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PP


~*Service Worker*~

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Amen, Tracy...summed it up for me quite nicely.



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Paula



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I must say that I am one of those individuals who have come to this forum on occasion and asked for help, always at my lowest emotional point. Not having anyone, at the time. who I could trust to talk to. I was and still am so very grateful to have been able to reach out to you all and you have to know that your kind words and reminders of the Al Anon protocol just absolutely was what I needed to get me back on track. So sorry that anyone of you feel, well used, because I am here to say that you have been a Godsend to me.

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 "Forgiveness doesn't excuse bad behavior, but it

does prevent bad behavior from destroying your heart". ~ unknown

Debbie



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Thank you Debb I am pleased that you found us and feel safe enough to connect . There is no mandate on this Board for members to respond to posting so please keep coming here for the support you need. We grow in our program the more we share our ESH .

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Betty

THE HIGHEST FORM OF WISDOM IS KINDNESS

Talmud
PP


~*Service Worker*~

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I am glad you found support here....I hope you are doing well.



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Paula



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I think people may be misunderstanding this thread. It is NORMAL to arrive at Alanon sad, confused and totally unsure what to do. It is normal to vent and just be hopeless and share that at first. That is what newcomers are supposed to do. However, once it's been months and even years of being that way without taking suggestions to go to real meetings at all...no commitment to the steps...that is when we might start feeling lime "hmm...maybe this person is not moving forward and I'm wasting my breath." All of us have problems wanting things for others more than they want them for themselves. This does not just apply to our qualifiers. It plays out with each other. Relax folks. Vent all you want but take suggestions too. Simple.



-- Edited by pinkchip on Monday 25th of August 2014 09:46:55 PM

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I like this post a lot and all of the responses. It really got me to thinking in some many different ways. I am so very grateful for this forum because I learn and can always keep learning to keep an open mind. I try really hard not to inventory others that are present at my meetings and when I wonder if they are just talking the talk, I stop the conversation I am having in my head and remind myself that maybe just maybe one day something will help the person.

For my AH, now that is a different story, I am not quite at a place where I believe he wants sobriety or he is just doing the "deed" because it's court ordered. I struggle lots of days on detaching, but I know one thing for sure, this board, these meetings online and my f2f are moving me along in my journey quite nicely.



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Linda

Don't worry about tomorrow, tomorrow will have it's own worries

Matthew 6:34

PP


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Agreed Linda, you are moving along quite nicely....you are inspiring.

PC...well said.



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Paula



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Thank you for that post. I have found that if I listen to the gut / instinct, and actually follow through it does allow me to remain at peace. And what is great about that is that it works in all areas of life, not just in the world of addiciton that we all live. I use it in my job where I am a diet coach and dieter is not ready to work, but wants to be talked into doing the necessary work & later will blame the program, and not themselves. We dont' want the negative publicity so won't sign these people up. Like your friend, I give them a card and tell them to call when they are ready to work. I recently had a lady that said point blank, "I want to do this but I don't eat vegetables, so I can't do that part." The reply was, "Then you can not do the program as it requires you to eat vegetables." She argued a few times, but I refused to sign her up. 

With my A, he has said, from time to time he will get help (not that he needed help); there is a big difference. He was going to this, that or the other to say he went, to appease me or be able to tell his boss he was in recovery. But, he attended, and that was it. He never worked the program - and he has been to several groups and counselors and has never stopped drinking. I used to go w/ him until I realized that I was a distraction to his recovery and he needed me in the room to blame. He needed to be alone. When I stopped going, he stopped going. 

I knew this before AlAnon, but AlAnon put it in order for me. The slogans and daily readers, and fact to face meetings and the online forums have been a lifesaver for me. It confirmed what I knew and gave me confidence and credibility. I was not alone anymore. Even though I knew I wasn't mean, angry or bitter, even though I had been told for years that I was, it was nice to be able to really understand the disease and its characteristics. The projection, and all the other wonderful things it is. I don't get frazzled anymore wondering WHY he can't see what is going on when it is so blantantly clear. He has on blinders, and has physical and mental issues due to the alcohol. I accept that now, and that has let me put down trying to reason w/ him and make him see what I see. 

As we get healthier it will be easier to see when we are being used, manipulated, etc. Of course most of us are givers, and fixers, and workers and will always have that tendencey to help and do good; but the more I work this program the more I see how I need to first take care of me before I have any business helping anyone else. The blind leading the blind is not very productive. 

Thanks for the share. Very encouraging. 

 

 



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Do the next right thing~

I've never regretted taking the high road. ~



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If I am honest, by the time I got to the end of the thread my heart was still singing Kumbaya and tears were rolling down my cheeks with gratitude. Thank you all for sharing so openly and with such honesty. My Grandfather was a truck driver and when he took my mother and aunt for a drive and they wanted ice cream he would make them sing Kumbaya for it. I have sang that to all my babies and there are 2 songs that soothe my soul. One is Kumbaya and the other Amazing Grace. Both my Grandfathers favourites. He passed exactly 1 year prior to my second daughter's birth. Life is short. I can only hope I learn to love unconditionally, that includes myself. I am blessed to have found MIP. I will keep coming back.

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