If my husband had cancer and treated me in an abusive way, I would not stay with him.  If he had dementia and acted abusively, he would be living elsewhere or there would be another caregiver onsite in our home.  I don't care what a persons diagnosis is I dont do martyrdom.  Yes, I have compassion for all, however that does not mean I will choose to suffer.  I love wolves and coyotes, but they cannot share my home.  To thine own self be true, always.  Some can live with crap, I cannot, regardless of the issues.  In my profession I watched people manipulate their loved ones with their illnesses....there is a lot of currency in debilitating illnesses.

I have lived with active alcoholism and sobriety and seen the shift in personality and brain functions this is truly a mental illness.

As shared here I matter today and I can not be around abusive people whether it is intentional or not.  However I still try to be as compassionate and understanding and not play the blame game.

My ex partner is a lovely man with an illness yes different to other illnesses but still an illness.  This illness has hurt me and my children, his mother, children and all who love him.  When he was a little better this is what hurt him the most he hated hurting the people he loved. I am away from him now and I am caring for his son as he is active and if he could have a minutes sanity he would tell us all to get out of the way and protect ourselves. I do not try and understand it anymore its to baffling.  My battle is to detach with love , try and not take it personal, fight resentment and bitterness.  Work on turning myself into a good person.

I am hurting at the moment because the disease has him, I have been a martyr in my time but a lot of it was love but in the end the disease was to strong. I still love and care but thankfully I have learnt I can not cure it, fix him and that HP will decide the outcome.

Compassion for all who come into contact with this disease is needed.

hugs tracy xxxx

el-cee, my earlier post comparing alcoholism to these difference diseases was for me. I was sharing my thoughts about my life at this moment. Only the person who is living with an active drinker knows what his / her limits are, and these limits should never be applied to other people. What's right for me is only right for me. Because a person chooses to leave his/her alcoholic partner certainly does not make that person a bitch or uncaring. It simply means that person has had enough, and we should all respect that and offer that person encouragement whenever possible. Nor, should a person who chooses to stay with his/her alcoholic partner be made to feel he/she is playing the martyr. I am not sacrificing my self for anyone. For me, at this moment I'm following the guidance of my HP.

As I stated earlier, 4 months ago I was at the point of leaving, but things have changed. I have changed. I am slowly recovering from my own addiction (controlling). All I can do at this moment is work on me.

This has been a great topic for discussion.  It has taken me a long time to honor my desires, wants and needs.  Now that I know what this feels like, I can't unknow.  I can choose hell if I want, it is unlikely that I will, but I do have that choice.  If I do make that hell choice I hope it is the best hell ever  And my choices may be different than the choices of others and it is all ok.

Thanks el-cee. Again, thank you for pushing me out of my comfort box and encouraging me to reevaluate myself. We are all just trying to muddle through one day at a time. I am praying for your son. I wish there was some magic potion we could give to our loved ones that would allow them to see exactly what they are doing to themselves. We just simply have to Let go and Let God.

((hugs))

Mason County Blackberry ice cream.    

Dang, my world just keeps on expanding with the knowledge of such worldly delights!!!!!        

Thanks. Great post. There are all legitmate questions and I have asked them in some way, maybe w/ diffrent words, but I totally understand what you are saying.

I have known more than a few people w/ some pretty serious diseases including parkinson's, cancer, lymes, MS and others. Some are still with us; others are not. Currently a good friend is living w/ serious MS. NONE of these people rejected their family or blamed their disease on their family, or disconnected w/ them, lied, etc. etc . etc.  Whether I was kind, accomodating, mean, confused, or controlling, my AH was always mean, angry and blaming. My actions/reactions made no differerence, whether positive or negative. I also understand that my AH lives two lives: public (nice, professional) and home (disconected and mean). Others I know are not sick at home, but not sick when in public. If my AH was an alcoholic at work AND home, I would better accept that he can't help it. But, that is not the case. 

I don't have one answer for your questions or my questions. I have to believe that this is a disease in the way that I can't believe anyone chooses this life for themselves. In the beginning I do believe it is a choice, a bad habit, a sin. But, as the alcohol takes over the A is less able to control the alcohol; the alcohol control them. Oh, there may be moments he thinks he is in control, and maybe able to do their jobs, and do them well, but they are not in control. They lie to themselves just like they lie to us. 

I am leaving next week, and I am not mad - I am just done. I have accepted what I can not change; and exercising the courage to change the things I can. 

Questions are good; they will help you work this program. :)

I was hurt plenty by folks in my life with cancer, dementia, etc. Fortunately, Al-Anon helped me deal effectively with the humiliations, devastations and multiple losses that all of these diseases created for me. As much as I'd like to agree with what is written in the BB, my experiences have been the same in relationship to some with these diseases when they first hit as they have been in relationship to people with the disease of alcoholism. That may not be true for others and it has been true for me. On the other hand, most all of the folks who had these diseases were also untreated ACOAs, alcoholics or codependents and that could have a lot to do with what happened to them when they developed the other diseases? Ultimately, to me, it doesn't matter the why of it in relationship to my loved ones. It matters to me that I continue with the Al-Anon program and its readers and sponsorship and fellowship for me. It has helped me in so many areas of my life. I'm so grateful for the Al-Anon program and its fellowship.

  Good that the BB has been such a help to you, WTI. 

I agree G2B...with the exception that "To the Wives" and "The family Afterwards" was written for the families. That was all they had then and before alanon so...It's not alanon, but parts were written for the families and spouses.

I work in community health, especially with diabetic patients.  I see many many similarities and choose to compare them often.

There are a few people with diabetes who, when initially diagnosed, take it seriously and exercise, lose weight, and develop healthy eating habits.  Many of those patients are able to control their diabetes without medication- they just have to be diligent.  

However, many of the patients I see KNOW they have diabetes, but refuse to make necessary changes in order to manage it.  There are an unbelievable amount of people who have uncontrolled diabetes and refuse to take their medication, refuse to follow up with their doctor, make a million and a half excuses for why they "can't" modify their diet and exercise.  Many of those patients consider themselves functioning- they insist they are fine and doing well, until they lose vision or need a toe amputated, or have a stroke.  Those patients let their diabetes get to bad that it is near impossible to manage, and some of the damage is irreparable.  

I don't know diabetics to have the mood swings, violent outbursts, or abusiveness.  But in the way some people treat it, I like the comparison.